h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

~Ching-a-ling~

*Phillipa, Mari-rae's useful niece, walks through the door with a Welcome Basket overflowing with goodies. There are chocolates, assorted teas, cookies, bath salts, coupons for local businesses, and a note that says WELCOME in shaky, but legible calligraphy. She spots the photo of the Vet and turns very pink while trying to hold in her laughter.*

Oh! Hello! ~grinning pinkly~ Welcome to the Village! ~small snort of supressed laughter~ Doctor Wonky! ~Turns an outright laugh into a choked hiccup. Tears start up in her eyes.~

"Hello Doc! If you promise not to do to my blue doberman (Belle)
what you're doing to that horse I will be bringing her around for her booster shots! And I have several cats that need small parts removed *blush* do you give cut rates for groups?" (CUT rates!
oh, how I make myself giggle)

Good morning, mesdames!

Thank you for the cakes and the welcome - Let me just wash my hands before I touch the food.

The shots I can do for a quid: I'm practising with my new blastomatic hydraulic industrial vaccination gun - still a few teething problems - hence the cut rate.

As far as group discount for the cats - no problemo. I'll give them all a quick MOT while we're at it. I don't do claws though.

Ooh, must dash, I've got Daisy the cow's triplets to deliver in 20 minutes!

- Adam

Just let me know if you ever need claws or hooves done! Perhaps we could trade. I have twenty cats!

My word! You must have to buy *enourmous* bags of kitty litter (or is it kitty kibble where you come from?)

I've just got the one. Mabel - a bit fat, very lazy, very vocal and very much into sitting on your lap!

- Adam

Good morning.

*Extends her hand to Doctor Wonky*

I'm Gwennie and live down at The Rank with my five cats and three dogs and was wondering if you'd give me a discount if I had them all vaccinated at once.

I love your picture of you with your hand up the horse's bum.

*Hurridly retracts her extended hand and puts both hands in her pockets*

Hi.
I've just added a rapid-fire automatic addition to my new blastomatic hydraulic industrial vaccination gun. Just line 'em up and I'll do the whole lot in five minutes. Call it two quid for the lot

*Glances over shoulder at photo of me with horse*
I forgot my gloves on that particular visit. Still, its a good way of stopping biting your nails!

- Adam

Hello again Doc Adam. I had to laugh at your question...kibbles (here) are what they eat & litter is were they re-cycle it, as it were!
I only have 'Precious' the cat inside along w/ my dog Belle. The others live in a nice cat house I had built esp. for them... it's heated in the cool months & cooled in the warm months. It has running water...they drink from where it drips-I've tried to teach them-but they just act like a bunch of animals! I also have an over abundance of cat-nip growing in-doors & out. And I've found
as a mental health professional (IRL) that I am able to help critters with emoptional problems. So, if you ever need my help please feel free to ask! One last thing. Since I hate to carry money around, would it be alright with you if I just gave you say...ten thousand dollars. You could put in on the books (or not ) and let me know when I've used up the amount. Is that alright with you then? And please feel free to come to my cottage anytime for a dip in the indoor/out -door pool or the hot tub. There's also a nice guest bath with two sofas if you need a nap after the swim. And plenty of bath sheets. (in a heated cupboard)
The doors are NEVER locked, so just make youself at home when ever you do visit! E you around! ~Pan

Why thank you madame!

Now let me see... 10 thousand dollars... Hmmm... That should last you until AD3004 (I am very cheap).

*looks around for his swimming trunks*

- Adam

You don't look cheap to me! inexpensive perhaps, but not cheap! Trunks are optional. Of course you can never tell who might drop by & some of my lady friends are a bit, shall we say,
"Grabby?" LOL!!! The door to the hot tub has a palm tree carved on it, the door to the pool a carving of a waterfall & the guest bath
has a carving I did of a mexican, wearing a poncho & sombraro
sleeping with his back resting against a tall cactus...get it...it's the RESTroom! (in RL I painted that on the door to the 1/2 bath in the garage-keeps folks from dripping thru my cabin when they're
using the pool) You'll find my cottage at lot # 19 & if you ever need to find me, I'm usually in the pub Oh, & the hot tub & pool both have a fully stocked bar. (there's a silver tin of magic dust on the bar-just at the end. If you don't find what you want, put a pinch of dust on the bar & wish for what you want to eat or drink...sorry but those are the only types of wishes the dust gives) Enjoy yourself. *whispers-there are rubber duckies & various animal shaped flotes in the tall chest in the pool room*
The door with the shull & crossbones is the door to my bedroom & where the doberman stays-I wouldn't open it if I were you! Last chap who tried will be having the stiches removed in another couple days Ado~Pan

I'm glad its not just me that has magic dust

Splashing your dosh around again, Pandora? Tsk! This woman has more money than sense!

I'll bring my menagerie around tomorrow. I've borrowed a friend's Land Rover to load 'em all in to. Thanks!

*Having gotten an earful of Pandora's outrageously blatant flirting, Phillipa hurries back to the Tea Shoppe to find her Auntie.*

"Oh, & Doc...just take Gwennies charges off my tab. I had'nt realized how far a quid would stretch!!! Gwennie, care to lunchen with me at the Villa's Pub? Perhaps you could try to explain to me again about this spending money thingy, or not spending it, or whatever?" *looks at Doc on the way out the door*
"I can never remember if I should or shouldn't keep giving it to people!?! Bye for now, and don't let everyone teasing you about where your arm went in that horse get under your skin! "Mama always said;
she'd never gotten ANYthing on herself that wouldn't wash off or wear off !!"

Have a lovely day ladies!

*The screech of tyres and a loud crunch is heard as Gwennie attempts to park her borrowed Land Rover. She gets out and slams the door shut on her restless menagerie who are prowling and panting inside the car*

Hello! Dr. Wonky? Can we vaccinate my cats and dogs now please? I have to meet Pandora down the pub soon.

*lines the animals up on table*

*wheels out huge blastomatic vaccination gun*

*cranks it up - after a cough and a hiccough, it splutters into life*

*peppers the room with vaccine*

Oops the trigger on this thing is a bit sensitive!

*all the pets start looking at one another nervously*

BADADADADADADADADADADA

There! All done. I think that cat there may have had two shots, but no matter.

*pets look round, slightly stunned*

That should keep them out of mischief! Now to clean up all this cat and dog poo!
Have a nice drink - get me a lager in, I'll be over once I've mopped up

*Is surprised by Dr. Wonkey's "methods" but obediently removes her menagerie to allow the surgery to be cleaned up*

Thank you so much! I believe Pandora kindly paid my bill for me, so I'll toodle off to the pub shortly and leave a drink behind the bar for you.

*CLANG-the door flies open-in runs Pan holding Greebo in her arms...not even taking notice of the claws deeply embedded into her shoulder & back* "DOC!!! Please Doc where are you???
Emergency!!! OMG Doc you have to help Greebo!!! Please What are they? Is it serious??? I'll pay for whayever must be done!!! I'll take care of everything - Greebo, just try to remain calm! Doc!!!
What are these two black thingys that are moving around Greebo's head?!? I can't get them off of her!!! Please help her!!!
Just try to be calm Greebs...like me!!! DOC!!! What are they?!?
Get them off her PLEASE!!!!!!" *Pandora begins to cry*

~Greebo looks around the room~

Hmmm...

~Greebo recognises some of the instruments...~

Errrrr...

~Greebo realizes that she is insode a vets office...~

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Greebo starts to panic big time... she struggles in Pandora's arms~

NOOOOoooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Greebo's struggles increase...~

ME is innocent... ME IS INNOCENT!!!!!!!