Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - F

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F (forte or loud)n
The neighbours are out. See also P, Crescendo, PP and FF
To hell with the neighbours. See also P, F, Crescendo and PP
Fairy Talen
A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
falsie salesmann
Fuller bust man.
Famous last wordspl, n
(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."

(2) "You and what army?"

(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
a cop."

(4) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.

(5) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.

(6) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

(7) We won't need reservations.

(8) It's always sunny there this time of the year.

(9) Don't worry, it's not loaded.

(10) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.

(11) Don't worry! Women love it!
Famous quotationspl, n
" "

-- Charlie Chaplin

" "

-- Harpo Marx

" "

-- Marcel Marceau
Conspicuously miserable.

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A girl who is both fast and hideous.
What you have to do if the tap won't turn.
A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it.
felt tipv
Past tense for a breast examination!
Life support system for a p****.

See also Male (2)
Female rabbitspl, n
The gift that just "keeps on giving."
A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
The large glacial deposits that form on the insides
of car fenders during snowstorms.

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Ferguson's Preceptn
A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
A boring picnic worse than death.
A small lie
A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Fifth Law of
Applied Terror
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.


If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
File cabinetn
A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
Throwing your wait around.
Finagle's Creedn
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's First Lawn
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
Finagle's Second Lawn
Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working.
Finagle's Third Lawn
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake


(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.

(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Finagle's Fourth Lawn
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
it worse.
Finagle's Fifth Lawn
Always draw your curves, then plot your readings.
Finagle's Sixth Lawn
Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Finagle's Seventh Lawn
The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Eighth Lawn
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Ninth Lawn
No matter what results are expected, someone is always willing to
fake it.
Finagle's Tenth Lawn
No matter what the result someone is always eager to misinterpret it.
Finagle's Eleventh Lawn
No matter what occurs, someone believes it happened according to
his pet theory.
A tax for doing wrong. See also Tax
Fine's Corollaryn
Functionality breeds Contempt.
Finster's Lawn
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
The First
Commandment for
Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest
it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
First Law of
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First law
of debate
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
First Law of
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
Fifth Law of
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
First Law of
Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule
of History
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are
kept for observation.
Five rules for
eternal misery
pl, n
(1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably.

(2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to
treat these assumptions as though they are reality.

(3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis.

(4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with
how much better things might have been or how much worse
things might become).

(5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to
follow the first four rules.
Will never ever vary.

-- Good News Week *2
The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.

-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
Flon's Lawn
There is not now, and never will be, a language in
which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
What you get lifting too much firewood. See also Log On, Log Off, Monitor and Download
flowchartn & v
[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction
problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation
using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template.
2. n. Neronic
doodling while the system burns.
3. n. A low-cost substitute for
4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A
thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's
Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps.
5. v.intrans. To produce
flowcharts with no particular object in mind.
6. v.trans. To obfuscate
(a problem) with esoteric cartoons.

-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Flugg's Lawn
When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fog Lampspl, n
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts
of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights".
Foolproof Operationn
No provision for adjustment.
A prediction of the future, based on the past, for
which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
A promiscuous pussy.
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
four-bag uglyadj
When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
See also three-bag ugly
Fourth Law of
Applied Terror
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.


Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law
of Revision
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Fourth Law of
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.

-- David Ellis
Fresco's Discoveryn
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Fried's 1st Rulen
Increased automation of clerical function
invariably results in increased operational costs.
Friendspl, n
People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them.
People who know you well, but like you anyway.
The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
gets stuck.
To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. Usually
abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob." See TWEAK
and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points along
a continuum. FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes
fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's
carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it
but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just
doing it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
pl. Frobnitzem

An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to electronic
black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to FROTZ, or more
commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and FROBNODULE.
Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. FROBBOTZIM, has also
become very popular, largely due to its exposure via the Adventure spin-off
called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be applied to non-physical objects,
such as data structures.
Fuch's Warningn
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-f***-me" pumps. Shoes with
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
them properly.
f*** offn
The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
Fudd's First Law
of Opposition
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Fun experimentn
Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week.
Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want...
bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
even when you are the only person in line.

-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"

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