Jester's Condescending English Dictionary - T
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
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| Tablet | n | A small table. |
| tacky | adj | Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions. |
| Tapas | n | Spanish for "not enough food". See also Continental breakfast, Dim Sum and Nouvelle cuisine |
| Taphephobia | n | Fear of being buried alive.See also Ballistophobia, Otophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Trichophobia and Vestiphobia |
| Tax | n | A fine for doing well. See also Fine |
| tear leather | v | To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore his leather jerkin' off." |
| tearing off a quicky: | v | Gunning the jump. |
| Texan | adj | A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. |
| Text | n | When someone becomes a Texan. |
| Theorem: a cat has nine tails | Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails. | |
| Theorem: All positive integers are equal | Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. Proceed by induction: If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B. Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. | |
| Theory of Selective Supervision | n | The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office. |
| theory | n | System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print. |
| There are three ways to get something done | pl, n | (1) Do it yourself. (2) Hire someone to do it for you. (3) Forbid your kids to do it. |
| The Third Law of Photography | n | If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out. |
| thorny | adj | A thailor at thea. |
| Thought | n | Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! |
| The three biggest software lies | pl, n | (1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. (2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from will fix the microcode. (3) Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. |
| The three laws of thermodynamics: | pl, n | (1) You can't get anything without working for it. (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. |
| Three rules for sounding like an expert | n | (1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. (2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored. (3) Come up with three rules of your own. |
| The three rules of international air travel | pl, n | (1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used to be Braniff or Aeroflot). (2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you know *exactly* what you're doing. (3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. |
| three-bag ugly | adj | That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep it from howling. See also four-bag ugly |
| Thyme's Law | n | Everything goes wrong at once. |
| timesharing | n | An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. |
| today | n | A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. |
| toilet toupee | n | Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus creating endless annoyance to male users. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" |
| Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life | n | If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. |
| tourist | n | A pretty girl in Oklahoma. |
| transfer | n | A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. |
| transparent | adj | Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it" See also virtual -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. |
| transvestite | n | (1) Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. (2) Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. |
| travel | n | Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. |
| Trichophobia | n | Fear of hair.See also Ballistophobia, Otophobia, Peccatophobia, Sitophobia, Taphephobia and Vestiphobia |
| True Love | n | An injection with affection to the midsection from a projection without objection. |
| "Trust me" | (1) Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." (2) Los Angeles for "F*** you, your mother, and the horse she rode in on." | |
| Truthful | adj | Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" |
| Tsort's Constant | n | 1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified) |
| TSR | n | Someone who says mean things about you. |
| Tumor | n | An extra pair. |
| Turnaucka's Law | n | The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord. |
| Tussman's Law | n | Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. |
