h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I'm not sure. I think there are articles about it in the Guide somewhere. Anyway, how are you going to emigrate when ou are chained to my wall?

*creaking door*

Mina! You've done so much since I was last here!

Welcome, welcome FC! You know you can come down here any time you like!
Do you like the new decorations? I try to keep them living for as long as possible. Otherwise they just start to smell.
Would you like to have a go?

*offers FC the whip*

What if I took the wall with me?

*tries to do incredible hulk style muscle flexing*
*fails*

Oh. Looks like I'm stuck here then...

~Enters carrying very large canvas bag~
Sorry, had to collect the gear together.
~Drops bag with a loud clank~
Is this the vic...I mean volunteeer? Looks to be a fine specimen, I must say.
~Cracks whip~
Now, where would you like me to start?

*has a quick look in the bag*

I am impressed Calamity, where did you get all this gear from?

Well, you sort of accumulate it, don't you.
I bought some of it, bit most of it is just lieing around the bedroom when I wake up
~gets out two large candles~
Now, can you hold these while you're manacled to the wall like that?

*tries to guess what's coming next*

Sure... if you put them in my hands...

*opens hands*

Do you think a blindfold would be appropriate Calamity?

Feel free. I have no strong feelings one way or the other.
~Lights candles~
Now, watch the wax, cos it will be hot. Don't drop the candles or I'll get cross.

You wouldn't like me when I'm cross.

Hmm, sounds like she's going to turn into the Incredible Hulk.

*watches nervously for signs of ripping clothing*

*holds the candles _very_ steady*

ooh.... I've got a terrible itch on my nose... you wouldn't.....


thought not.

Hold still. No I won't scratch it. And you wouldn't want me to with these claws, anyway.
~Drags claw down Lucinda's back, leaving a minute trickle of blood in it's path~
See?

*gives a little shudder as the claw bites in*

oh dear.... I seem to have spilt my wax...

*watches the drip of wax roll down the side of the candle with forboding*

That'll sting then.
~Watches trickle of wax with interest~
But not as much as this...
~Pulls braided cat o nine tails from bag and "swishes" it through the air~
Any areas you want left intact?

Well, I'll be likely spending much of tomorrow sitting down, so if you'd be kind enought to go easy on...
*the wax hits*

Yeooww!

*manages to keep hold of the candle, but not without spilling much more on the other*

Try not to make too much mess you two. I'll have to get Arthur in to clear up otherwise, and he scares everyone off.

He does add greatly to the atmosphere of the place, though...

YEOOWW!

Though at this rate, he might be clearing wax off the floor

Does he? Maybe I'll go and get him. Wouldn't like to leave you alone though, as Calamity appears to have lost interest for the moment.
Try to stand still, then the candles won't drip.

*all of body goes into spasms except for his hands which somehow remain still*

*catches breath*

...That's not helping!