h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

*Gwennie arrives outside the library with her three dogs and reads the notice on its door*

Oh, dear! Just when I needed a good read too.

*Gets a pen from her handbag and writes a note which she leaves pinned to the door*

"Dear Lipsbury Pinfold,
Please let me know when you're back by phoning me at http://www.h2g2.com/A424784. Thank you! "

*Decides to take her dogs for a walk to the river*

* Removes note from Gwennie, unlocks door and turns sign to open *

* Sits down at the elderly and slightly battered looking PC in the corner and logs into H2G2 to while away the time until someone comes in looking for a book*

*The door swings open and Gwennie strides in*

Hello? Lipsbury?

Sorry about keeping you waiting. It's terribly rude of me, I know and I do hope you forgive me. At my advanced years, the memory is one of the first things to go.

Now, I was wondering if you have a little book by Kate Kray entitled "Hard B******s"?

No but I do have Ronnie and Reggies self help book

"I'm a Kray , you're a Kray"

Oh, well! I'm not fussy! "I'm a Kray , you're a Kray" will do fine, thank you.

Is there any chance you can order the Kate Kray one for me please?

*Attempts to smile sweetly, but somehow always gives the impression that she's about to eat someone*

Now then! I suppose I need to sign up to the library to get a ticket or something...You'll be requiring some form of identification...Let me see...

*Rummages around in her bag and starts to pull out all sorts of junk until a half bottle of vodka falls onto the library counter*

Oops! I wonder where that came from! *Blushes* Oh, it must be the bottle that Mari-Rae gave me to look after for her and Pandora!

Well if Pandora trusts you to look after her vodka then thats good enough for me.

* Fills out a card and pops it in the wooden rack thingumy*

Will six weeks be long enough and do you want to borrow the wind up generator which comes with the book?

*produces a packet of digestive biscuits *

Would you like a McVite ?

Thought this might be of use to you:

Hi Cloviscat.

That's not intended for me is it?

Ohhh, McVite biscuits! Why thank you Lipsbury! You really are too kind!

*Munches on a biscuit and says with her mouth full, at the same spraying Lipsbury and Cloviscat with biscuit crumbs*

I don't think that the generator will be necessary, thanks!

Gwennie - no problem I'll keep the generator here just in case ...

CC - Thanks. I'll hang your picture up right away - gives the place an air of verisimilitude

*Brushes away the crumbs from her mouth and front*

Thanks! You're too kind! When the next batch of my homemade elderberry wine is ready, I must remember to give you a bottle as a sign of my appreciation.

Thank-you I'll look forward to that - I hope you enjoy your books

I promise to return them as soon as I've finished. Bye for now.

*Wanders off, her dogs in tow*

*knocks on the door*
*listens*

*the Vicar walks past*
I say, are you looking for Lipsbury pinfold? I've just seen him IRL - he's on his hands and knees swearing at a hifi cable and talking about vampires. says he'll be along as soon as poss'.

Toodle-oo!

*** Opens Door (wiping hands on grubby rag)

What Ho! your lordship - do come in is there something specific you were looking for.

Please feel free to look around - We have a set of first edition Poe - slightlly foxed with raven droppings but otherwise quite legible.

Can I offer you a cup of coffee and a buiscuit

Good morning sir!
Do you have Dante in your fair collection?

We hve the Divine Comedy - but I suspect my assistant has filed it under music again

Hooray!
Does it include illustrations by Gustave Doré?

I believe so - though with this being a public library I'm afraid that most have been retouched by small children with crayons and felt tips who have a somewhat picassoesque view of composition and colour

I found a nice copy of the pictures if that is any consolation

http://www.datadesignsb.com/art/dore/dore.html

Thank you very much!
*wanders through the paradise*