Alcohol
Created | Updated Aug 4, 2008
And on the 8th day God invented XXXX.
There are many glorious things in life- sex, baseball, DVD, but none of these match the most significant discovery in the history of the human race- vodka and coke
Here is my brief guide to alcohol, the stuff of life-
First- whether to drink a drink or not.
Look at the alcohol percentages to see how much you can drink-
100%- none, it would kill you
75%- very little. It would also have to be home brewed.
50%- Ah, now we're talking. With a sufficient mixer, you could probably get away with about two pints of the spirit.
40%- Vodka (or something similar)- Mix with coke, and drink until passing out (about five pints, when you take the coke off)
10%- strong belgian beer, get a few gallons down your throat and stop moaning
5-9%- Normal(ish) beer- drink it all night
2-5%- poncy beer- don't bother, you could drink it all night
<2%- You'd be better off drinking your own urine, it tastes better, and if you've been following my advice, it'd also be about 60% proof.
GOOD DRINKS
Goldfish bowl (10 vodkas and 3 red bull in a fish bowl, available in Tiger 2 on the corner of Bridge Strret in Warrington, Cheshire, not a million miles from Mr Smith's)
Vodka (with a mixer)
Tequila Sunrise
Draft Lager
Bacardi Breezers
John Smiths Bitter
Newcy Brown
BAD DRINKS
A goldfish bowl of water (god forbid)
Vodka (without a mixer)
Tequila (in any form other than Sunrise)
Any other spirits not home brewed by Tim Kilmurray (for a recipe email [email protected] )
Bottled lager
Any Bitter other than John Smiths
Anything else
HOW GOOD WAS YOUR NIGHT OUT?
You Are: Sober
The Night Was: Wasted
You are: Slightly Tipsy
The Night was: Not too good
You are: rather drunk
The night was: Quite good
You are: quite badly drunk
The night was: very good
You are: Lying in the gutter singing "I'm a Little Teapot"
The night was: Damn good
You are: Unconcious
The night was: WOO_HOO!!!
You are: In hospital
The night was: An unmitigated success
You Are: Dead
Oh dear, you took this a little too far didn't you?
DRINKING PROBLEMS(from Mina-Muse of Bondage. See the conversation below for a fuller explanation)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
There are many glorious things in life- sex, baseball, DVD, but none of these match the most significant discovery in the history of the human race- vodka and coke
Here is my brief guide to alcohol, the stuff of life-
First- whether to drink a drink or not.
Look at the alcohol percentages to see how much you can drink-
100%- none, it would kill you
75%- very little. It would also have to be home brewed.
50%- Ah, now we're talking. With a sufficient mixer, you could probably get away with about two pints of the spirit.
40%- Vodka (or something similar)- Mix with coke, and drink until passing out (about five pints, when you take the coke off)
10%- strong belgian beer, get a few gallons down your throat and stop moaning
5-9%- Normal(ish) beer- drink it all night
2-5%- poncy beer- don't bother, you could drink it all night
<2%- You'd be better off drinking your own urine, it tastes better, and if you've been following my advice, it'd also be about 60% proof.
GOOD DRINKS
Goldfish bowl (10 vodkas and 3 red bull in a fish bowl, available in Tiger 2 on the corner of Bridge Strret in Warrington, Cheshire, not a million miles from Mr Smith's)
Vodka (with a mixer)
Tequila Sunrise
Draft Lager
Bacardi Breezers
John Smiths Bitter
Newcy Brown
BAD DRINKS
A goldfish bowl of water (god forbid)
Vodka (without a mixer)
Tequila (in any form other than Sunrise)
Any other spirits not home brewed by Tim Kilmurray (for a recipe email [email protected] )
Bottled lager
Any Bitter other than John Smiths
Anything else
HOW GOOD WAS YOUR NIGHT OUT?
You Are: Sober
The Night Was: Wasted
You are: Slightly Tipsy
The Night was: Not too good
You are: rather drunk
The night was: Quite good
You are: quite badly drunk
The night was: very good
You are: Lying in the gutter singing "I'm a Little Teapot"
The night was: Damn good
You are: Unconcious
The night was: WOO_HOO!!!
You are: In hospital
The night was: An unmitigated success
You Are: Dead
Oh dear, you took this a little too far didn't you?
DRINKING PROBLEMS(from Mina-Muse of Bondage. See the conversation below for a fuller explanation)
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
