Awix's Glittering Casket of Noteworthy Pop-Cultural Ephemera
Created | Updated May 26, 2005
Lost in Translation
Hello again everyone, and welcome to another edition of the column that's already being called 'like his film reviews but not as useful'. And I hate to tell you this, folks, but I sense a great disturbance in the Force - as if millions of film critics cried out in horror and were suddenly ignored by everyone else. Which must mean it's finally time for the release of the last Star Wars movie. And just as the last great dinosaur-eradicating meteorite to strike the Earth was apparently preceded by a swarm of smaller rocks, the Great Bearded One's cod-Wagnerian opii tend to be heralded by a cluster of pre-publicising merchandise, much of it bearing the dread words 'a must for any true fan' and 'special collector's edition'.
New to my vast collection of LucasFilm-originated tat is Star Wars - A Musical Journey, which comes as a freebie when you buy the soundtrack. The music itself is pretty much what you'd expect from a John Williams Star Wars soundtrack - one new theme and all the old ones, and distinguished mainly by a surprising scarcity of Darth Vader's dah-dah-dah, dah-de-dah, dah-de-daah tune and far too many reprises of the throne room music from the end of the first movie in the series to be made. But the bonus DVD is a truly remarkable piece of work.
What this basically is is all the aforementioned famous themes and other bits of Star Wars music, stuck together over clips from the movies in a mock-operatic fashion that somehow seems utterly appropriate. Okay, it's only operatic inasmuch as there aren't actually any lyrics (bar some choral stuff in Sanskrit near the start) but you know what I mean. So it kicks off with Duel of the Fates from Phantom Menace, moves on to Anakin's theme, eventually reaching the aforementioned dah-de-daah number, the alien jazz from the cantina scene, etc etc. (Strangely enough, there's no sign of Jar Jar Binks' theme, though.) Actually, it's not just film clips - there's some slightly dodgy art in a couple of places too. Some of the pictures supposedly of Princess Leia look more like Britney Spears than Carrie Fisher, which if nothing else may be indicative of the way minds work in LucasFilm's art department.
And in theory, and often in practice, this is a fantastic idea, because - and let's be honest here - I don't think anyone really watches Star Wars for its snappy dialogue or intricate plotting (not the recent movies anyway). A version of the story that dumps all this in favour of more good stuff (panoramic special effects sequences and orchestral manoeuvers with the Dark Side) is surely long overdue. If nothing else it could be a useful aid in trying to explain the way the films fit together for the benefit of older relatives who are so busy trying to work out who grows up to be who and why that they miss the sight of an 80-year-old man having a sword fight with an erstwhile glove puppet.
Sadly, this DVD falls down on that front as it is more likely to confuse than enlighten, simply because the clips are not in chronological order. Sometimes this is spine-tinglingly effective (Alec Guinness's 'this is your father's lightsaber' speech from the original movie plays over Hayden Christensen in action in the arena - admittedly using a clearly different weapon, but all pedantry must have its limits), but only rarely. The Duel of the Fates track cuts back and forth between the climaxes of Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones, which could give the impression to the unwary that Ewan McGregor has either himself been cloned or is in two places at the same time. This sort of thing gets worse as it goes on - the peerless asteroid belt number from Empire Strikes Back is accompanied first by the actual sequence in question, then a gunfight on Cloud City, then the asteroid belt bit from Attack of the Clones, then the speeder chase from the start of the same film, and finally the podrace from Menace. Obviously this is supposed to be thematically similar in some way, and I suppose it is, but it's still bloody confusing.
However the DVD makes up for this by being very educational in another way. Basically, the default setting is that the foreign subtitles are switched on. I can imagine many a devotee sitting down to watch this and, much to their surprise, finding themselves learning useful Star Wars phrases in other languages without even expecting to. And if they later find themselves working in a military recruitment office in France and are confronted with a hopeful whom they suspect may not make the minimum height requirement for one of the elite regiments, they will know what to say: 'Vous n'etes pas un peu petit pour un pilote d'assault?' Are they worried about someone's lack of religious belief? 'Su carencia de fe resulta molesta.' Or, if they are in Germany and discover a cute moppet whose precocious Jedi powers indicate a future wearing the kind of hooded top guaranteed to get him banned from many UK shopping centres, all they need tell his mother is 'Die Macht is ungewohnlish stark in ihm. So viel stelt fest.' Feel the need to tell some of your foreign exchange buddies that the rising tide of evil is affecting your precognesis? 'Le voile du cote obscur est tombe.' Or maybe they're wondering why there's such a fuss about becoming a Sith Lord. Well, it's obvious: 'El lado oscuro de la Fuerza es un camino hacia muchos poderes que algunas consideran antinaturales.' Personally, just learning Darth Vader's title if he ever visits Benidorm is 'Senor Oscuro de los Sith' was enough for me.
(The subtitles are rather intriguing as they present a subtly different Star Wars in many ways. For one thing, French Yoda doesn't mangle his syntax, so far as I can tell. Where English C-3PO cries 'Goodness gracious me!', French C-3PO is prone to rather less reserved shouts of 'Mon dieu!' Other characters are less emotional. Where English Obi-Wan cries 'Nooooooooooo!' on seeing his mentor get a saber through the sternum, according to the subtitles his foreign counterparts generally restrict themselves to a single O (but admittedly an extra N where appropriate).)
But what makes this DVD really special and rather hypnotic to watch is the linking material between the actual suites of music. Criminally, LFL have supplied an option where you can switch the introductions off. Do not under any circumstances use this. The chapter titles hint at what's to come - dreadful melodramatic headings like 'A Fateful Love', 'A Daring Rescue', 'A Life Redeemed', and so on. (Although complaining about melodrama in the context of Star Wars is, to coin a phrase, a bit like ordering chocolate chip ice cream and then complaining about the brown lumps in it.) The links themselves are even worse. Sadly, space and litigation laws prevent me from quoting at too much length, but here's a snippet from the intro to 'A Bond Unbroken' (about Luke and Leia's relationship):
' As twin children of Anakin and Padme, they shared a bond far stronger than that of merely two devoted leaders of the Rebel Alliance. Although raised on planets light years apart, Luke and Leia joined together in their struggle to destroy the oppressive Empire their estranged father helped to create.'
The scribe responsible, by the way, is Jamie Richardson, who will probably be very upset if he googles himself and reaches this page. It's not exactly great on paper, but read aloud it's even worse. Especially as it's delivered by a clearly-only-doing-it-for-the-money Ian McDiarmid. McDiarmid does some pretty shocking things in the movies themselves but none of them are as bad as this. Either showing commendable devotion to the franchise, or just very delicately taking the piss, McDiarmid takes this rubbish and reads - or rather intones - it as if he's commentating on a royal funeral rather than just knocking out a cheapo bonus DVD extra. Never before has gravitas been so remarkably misplaced. It's actually very hard to tell whether the glint in the actor's eye is a knowing twinkle or a nascent tear. If only we could be sure, we could inform properly trained personnel, like Amnesty International.
Aahhhh, cruddy Star Wars merchandise! Where will we be without it? Not that we're anywhere in particular with it - I've yet to get past track two on the 'The LA Orchestra plays music from Star Wars Episode One', which someone actually gave me as a Christmas present once (when orchestras start doing cover versions of each other, you know you're heading into the musical twilight zone, and the LA Orchestra, on this showing at least, are basically a pub band with a slightly bigger string section). But it's not as if it's ever going to really going to go away. (This is leading up to something, and it ain't going to be pretty.) The films are, for good or ill, effectively modern folklore now, and whatever longevity they have will surely extend to their attendant paraphernalia. (Brace yourself.) Remember, this farce will be with us... always.
