h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: "Illusion of Beauty" - A4107007
Author: vbdronadula - U1553469

WRITING WORKSHOP IS REQUESTED TO PASS ITS SUGGESTIONS AND COMMENTS.

VB DRONADULA

Welcome to the Writing Workshop.

The Writing Workshop is officially for Entries that are intended to end up in the Edited Guide. The Edited Guide is for factual entries which describe the real world. This entry is is a piece of fiction, so you probably want to do something different with it. You might like to send it to the Alternative Writing Workshop, or submit it to the h2g2 weekly on-line agazine: The Post.

In the meantime, it is here so I will comment on it. This is obviously written about a very different culture to my own. In my culture, women are not "of marriageable age", and are not expected to marry if they don't want to. It is not the only thing that a woman thinks about. Your piece of writing assumes that the only thing that a woman wants to do is to marry. It also assumes that there is a god who will answer our prayers. Both of these assumptions seem very strange, so you might like to say a bit more about each of them.

The English in your entry needs a little tidying. If it is your first language, then you probably just need to read through what you've written carefully. If English is not your first language, you'll find it hard to spot the mistakes. I can point them all out to you if you like.

This has already been put in the AWW before. I'm ashamed to admit that I didn't have the time to look over it. AWW regulars seem to have been really busy recently and entries in there haven't really been given the credit they deserve a lot of the time.

Dear sir,

I shall be greatful, if you could point out the mistakes which i have committed in the above fiction

Thank You,

Yours Truly,

VB DRONADULA

You should break this up into paragraphs. You could start a new paragraph at "One day,", and another at "Realizing".


Ms.Dona - put a space between Ms. and Dona

in serene village --> in a serene village

Because of such --> Because of this

she grew up too proud to the tolerance of others -- I don't understand this. I think you mean:
she grew up too proud to be tolerant of others

reached at marriageable age --> reached marriageable age

to equally suite --> to equally suit

she discarded to marry --> she declined to marry

she has dreamt of better match which her friends or neighbors feel jealous of it -- I don't understand this.

Having fed up with her attitude --> Becoming fed up with her attitude

she strongly believed her stunning beauty --> she strongly believed in her stunning beauty

from "angle" to "earth" -- do you mean "angel" here?

a strong notion thus any person --> a strong notion that any person

That's enough for the moment. I'll do some more later.

It's a fine moral story, VB. Is it based on a traditional myth or legend? I understand it, and the strange English is quite charming. However, there are many points where it isn't standard, as Gnomon is explaining. If you're trying to get published, make sure you know how copyright is affected by posting here.

toxx

Dear sir,

Thank you very much for your comments and suggestions. I am sure that my story is my creation. IT was not based on any myth or fiction. It reflects the attitude of majority how they do perceive reality.

yours truly,

VB DRONADULA.