h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Mari-Rae!

Well, I made it then! Here at last!

Is there any chance of my being able to kip on your sofa tonight my dear? The plumbers seem to have my place upside down at the moment!

Nonsense, Gwen! Bring everything you need and stay in the guestroom for as long as you like. However did you get a plumber to come out? I've been waiting on Bluebottle for two weeks now to install my new dishwasher.

*Rushes upstairs and throws herself onto Mari-Rae's guest bed and starts to bounce*

Whee! *Grins insanely*

Plumbing? Dishwasher? No problemo!!!

I can fix that! All my years of DIY and living on my own have taught me a bit of plumbing...

Pass the monkey wrench, sweetie!

*Passes wrench to Gwennie and watches anxiously as she disappears behind the new dishwasher.*

*Lots of rummaging, crashing and grinding noises emanate from behind the dishwasher*

Well, that should do it! Do you want to try it out?

*Loads dishwasher with tea things and baking pans. Puts in soap and turns it on. There is a humming, then a crashing, then the dishwasher begins to lurch across the kitchen spraying soapsuds everywhere!! *

Oh no - oh no - oh no!

*Leaps on top of the dishwasher and tries in vain to pin it down with her immense weight and calls desperately to Mari-Rae*

Switch the power supply off!!!!!

*The dishwasher lurches across the floor and manages to release itself from the plumbing and water starts to spray across Mari-Rae's nice kitchen floor*

H-E-L-P!!!!!

Eeek! Eeek! Eeek!

*Wringing her little gnarled hands in the air, she hesitates with indecision, then grabs the cord and pulls it free of the outlet.*

Gwennie! Are you all right?!!

I think so...

*Slides off the dishwasher to the floor into a puddle*

Nothing a week on a remote Greek island, an endless supply of retsina and a hoard of young men wouldn't fix.

*Produces a huge, wicked grin*

Have you got a floor mop?

Let's have a drink first. Sherry ok for you?

That would be wonderful, dear. Thank you.

*Fidgets with her wet behind*

Have you a plastic bin liner I could sit on, please as I seem to have a wet bum?

Go and change clothes in my room, there's a sweatsuit hanging on the peg on the closet door. I'll throw your clothes into the washer.

*Sloshes over to the drinks cabinet and takes down a large bottle of sherry and two tumblers. Pours.*

Thanks!

*Returns sporting Mari-Rae's sweatsuit (or tracksuit as we call 'em over here ), sits down and joins her host in a glass of sherry*

I suppose we ought to clean this mess up! Have you got one of those vacuum cleaners that washes floors? Perhaps we could suck all the water up with it?

As a matter of fact, I do.

*They busy themselves and soon have the kitchen clean again. They sit back down for another tumbler of sherry and regard the dishwasher.*

Maybe Amos could install it.

What a good idea! But promise me not to let on about my failed attempt. You know what these men are like when it comes to taking the mickey out of "the little woman's" attempt at DIY!!!

Have you got his phone number?

*Dialing*

Its ringing...

Hello? Amos, is that you? I was wondering if you could pop over to my place and install a dishwasher for me? I'm at http://www.h2g2.com/F50623?thread=72789&post=585286 Hello? (covers the phone) Gwennie, I would never tell. I think it was marvelous of you to try it. He's a bit slow answering me.

*from other end of the phone, slightly tinny sounding*
Yes, it be Amos here. Dishwasher yis sais?
Oooh Arrr, ma'am. I cans do thats roight enough. I shall just gather me tools and proceeds promptly likes.
*line goes dead as Amos replaces the handset*

*Replaces handset.*

He's on his way.

*Goes to the refrigerator to make sure she has some beer on hand for Amos.*

You'd better get some air freshener out too, as I don't think Amos has any "facilities" in his little shed!