Maybe this wasn’t the best thing to review given the concept for these essays. I saw Episode 1, and I think that my $7.50 and two hours worth of time give me the right to say this:

Episode 2 will suck ass.

Remember all of those die hard fans waiting in line for tickets to Episode 1 a month in advance? They will all be there waiting again. This time, however, they will be the only ones.

Jar Jar Binks did what was thought to be impossible. He destroyed the mystique surrounding George Lucas. No excuses can be made for him. He was devised, written, and performed by George Lucas. He was perfectly cast just the way Lucas wanted. The voice was the only thing that Lucas didn’t have total control over.

The truth is that everything else could have been horrible about the movie, but if the effects stunk, and Jar Jar was the flagship of those effects, Lucas’s reputation would finally start to crumble.

With the revelation that Jar Jar will be in Episode 2, the focus of the next movies hype is whether or not Lucas can save the series. The Star Wars-Lucas pedestal is not as high; Episode 2 could financially flop. Lucas easily has enough money to withstand a failure more complete than any other in movie history, but that won’t happen. Lucas still has too much reputation. Star Wars Episode 2 will make money, maybe not a lot, but if this one is as bad or worse than Episode 1, all bets are off for Episode 3.

But why should Episode 2 stink?

Because George Lucas has let success get to his head. He won’t learn from his mistakes, because he doesn’t think he has made any. Want proof? He's keeping Jar Jar. That’s not all his fault. Would you tell Lucas that watching his character is like shaving with a belt sander? Now imagine you were working for him. Think how much influence a Lucas letter of reference would be. Only the truly exceptional or unexceptional would say anything, and they would both hurt their careers.

What you have to remember was that there were two things special about the first trilogy: Harrison Ford and Jim Henson. Because there was no one like Harrison Ford to shut Jar Jar up, the movie took itself too seriously, and because Jim Henson was dead Lucas got away with his uninspired, and some would say ethnically stereotypical, brand of alien. Every new alien spoke English for Christ’s sake.

Maybe “stink” and “suck ass” are harsh words, but I thought Episode 1 was approaching “Waterworld” bad. Lucas can’t afford a “Postman.”

The Obligatory Ratings

Chance this movie will live up to the studio’s hype: 5% (5% chance of a messy Jar Jar death)

Chance this movie will be worth paying for: 50% (matinee only, it will be better in the theater)

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P.S.: Don’t watch “The Postman.” Don’t. For your own good, don’t. Costner has a statue made of him in the end. It’s horrible. I only saw the last half hour, and my eyes bled. A f**king statue. What the hell was he thinking? A STATUE!!! Maybe I should take a valium.