Once again we are beholden to the current executors of the Knolly estate for letting us publish this, the second package of the great man's journals and memoirs.

Leaving Elspeth to try and revive poor Charlotte, Merrick ushered me to his "office" and plonked me down on a chair. He picked up a telephone, painstakingly dialled a number and then handed it to me. He made to leave but I bade him stay, for I wanted him to hear as much of the conversation as possible - even if he could hear only my words. After many rings, the remote device was finally picked up.

'Hello? Hello?' Came a faintly tinny voice. 'Royston Halogen Hobbes' residence here. Bertie Harrison-Harrison speaking. Who is this please?'

'Bertie! It's me - Knolly!' I yelled down the mouthpiece.

'Knolly! It's me - Bertie!' replied the tinny sounding voice.

'I know .... You just told me. You sound awfully faint,' I shouted once again.

'What? Oh ... I'm trying out Hobbes' extension to the outhouses. Half a MO, I'll run back up to the house.'

'Bertie, no don't bother,' I yelled again. 'Hello? HELLO??'

It was too late, here I was with the marvel of modern technology in my hands, and all I could hear was the sound of chickens clucking and scratching from somewhere on Hobbes' land. I looked at Merrick and shrugged. He just glared back at me - leastways I think he was glaring and I think it was at me. I put the earpiece on the side table and looked around the room, wondering why the fellow was so cross with me. I just gave an embarrassed grin when Merrick mumbled something about 'not bothering with the telephone' and 'may as well open the bloody window and shout' when the uncomfortable situation was broken when Elspeth breezed into the room.

'I've made some tea for us all, shall I bring it through for you both?' she asked.

'Tea? Wonderful ... Excellent.' I replied.

'How is she?' Enquired Merrick.

Charlotte? Oh, she's fine'' said Elspeth. 'I took her to her room for a longer lie down and to cool off a bit. I suspect it was the combination of excitement and the heat as much as anything.'

Merrick nodded and was about to speak when he was interrupted by buzzing and clicking sounds from the telephone, followed by a faint 'hello, hello' in the background.

'Ah! That will be Bertie, back from performing his business in the outhouse.' I said, wishing that I had selected my words a little more carefully.

'Have you told him yet?' said Elspeth in a rather loud voice. 'You know ... About being watched and about the diary?'

'Who's being watched? What diary?' came the question simultaneously from the telephone line and from across the room.

'Oh dear! I'll go and get that tea, shall I?' asked Elspeth as she backed out of the room very meekly and pulled the door closed.

I looked at the space she had vacated, took a deep breath and counted to ten in the little known ancient language of the Dip-thong traders of Babylon. I gave up at five; life was just too short, and besides, I had an audience and any further delay would just be rude. I picked up the telephone once more.

'Bertie ... Are you still there?'

'Yes... But...'

'Please, just listen. I have rather a lot to pass on to both you and John, but first please tell me that the "Y-File" is still safely with you and Hobbes?' I held my breath, awaiting his answer.

'Of course it is!' came his answer loud and clear. 'Why, we were only looking at it yesterday...'

'We? Who is "we"?' I asked as I tried to keep the panic out of my voice. I caught John's eye; he was plainly concerned at my agitation, but nodded his thanks as I passed the eye back to him.

'Knolly, whatever is the matter?' asked Bertie. 'By "we" I meant Hobbes and myself.'

I breathed a sigh of relief.

'And you've noticed nothing strange going on whilst I've been away?'

'It depends. Do you mean strange for normal everyday life, or strange for Hobbes' environment?' quipped Bertie.

'Strange for normal life. You know, as though you are being watched.' I added. I looked to Merrick to see if he had noticed any odd goings on - he shook his head.

'Not that I'm aware of,' said Bertie. 'Why do you ask?'

I then proceeded to tell the same story I'd told Elspeth after leaving Hoot Hall. Thankfully, the telephone line held up and both members of my audience kept quiet throughout; my train of thought was only initially interrupted by Elspeth when she brought in the tea. She proceeded to sit with John and myself to ensure that nothing was left out concerning the Watcher, Baddick and Biggfat's concern for the safety of the Y-File.

'Well!' said Bertie. 'That's a pretty set of affairs, eh? I think you might have told me all this before you went .... or at least mentioned it in the telegram from Marlborough. Talking of which ... did you bring my gun?'

I was just about to suggest to Bertie where he might stick the gun when (thankfully) Merrick interjected.

'This Watcher-fellah. Do you still believe him to be an American? Do you think it's Sechs?'

Merrick was now suddenly very interested.

'If it was, I'm surprised he hasn't paid you a visit once more.' I said.

'What about my gun?' asked Bertie once more, even louder than before.

'Yes .... Your bloody gun is here.' I replied. 'And it did a good job of helping keep a carriage to ourselves on the journey to Waterloo.'

Merrick looked to me, and gargled on some tea as he mouthed: "gun?"

'Don't worry; it's perfectly safe,' I said. 'I placed it by the aspidistra-planty thing, well out of the way.'

'Oooh, Knolly! You must tell them about meeting Mr Cody on the train!' added Elspeth eager to join in the conversation. Thankfully, she did not advertise to Merrick the exact specification of the weapon currently under discussion.

'What did Elspeth just say?' asked Bertie.

'We met a Mr Samuel Franklin Cody just outside of Aldershot.' I said rolling my eyes at my darling wife.

'Well, you have all the jolly luck don't you, eh? Look, Hobbes is here with me now and we want to try something new with the telephony system. We haven't got a name for it yet other than "The concordance box".'

'What the devil is a "concordance" box?'

'Yes .... Needs some work I know, but it should let everyone speak and hear at the same time without the need for passing the one device around. Rather, it allows for candlesticks to be linked in to the same conversation. Anyway here goes ....'

There was a loud click and buzzing which slowly subsided, followed by the voices of Hobbes and Bertie talking at once. Merrick leaned toward a cupboard, opened the doors and produced two additional telephones which he plugged into a box on the wall. From the box, a cable snaked back to the telephone receiver that I was currently holding. Now we were all connected.

'Err ... Hello can you both hear me?' I called.

Elspeth and Merrick said in unison, 'Of course we can!'

I sighed.

'Knolly! Excellent!' echoed the voice of Halogen Hobbes with additional chuckling from Bertie. 'Who is with you please? Speak up!'

Each now holding a telephone, Elspeth and Merrick spoke up in turn and said 'hallo'.

'Good, good,' said Hobbes. 'I'm not sure how long this thing will work for. It's already getting a bit warm ... So Knolly, please tell us about Mr Cody, hmmm?'

I recounted the tale of this morning's journey to Waterloo, which would have been a much more simple and succinct affair had a certain person not kept butting in with additional comments.

There was much humming, ah-haing, and I'm sure, had I been able to see my colleagues at the other end of the line, much accompanying nodding.

Finally, Bertie said: 'So it wasn't Buffalo Bill then? Just some aviator wallah?'

'Bertie ... Have you been listening to anything I've been saying?' I enquired as politely as possible.

'Oh yes, but it would have made a better story, that's all!'

This was all getting too much for my dear wife. 'What about Uncle Monty's diary!' she blurted out with excitement.

There was a loud thump from the other end of the line.

'Excuse me Knolly, while I help Bertie up from the floor and untangle him.' called Hobbes.

I am fine, thank you Hobbes.' we heard Bertie say. He was back with us. 'Elspeth ... You did just say Monty's diary didn't you?'

'Indeed I did.' she confirmed.

'But how did you get hold of it? No ... never mind. What year is it from?'

'It is for 1845.' I said.

Another thump came from the other end of the line.

'Now, Bertie ... Are you sitting comfortably?....'

The Great Knolly Archive

The Shepherd and
huzzah4knolly

31.07.08 Front Page

Back Issue Page