Frenchbean returned to Australia from Scotland in 2005 to see whether she'd fallen in love with the country, or simply with her husband, eight years previously.




The answer lies in the fact that she is still there, living on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, from whence she writes her Witters from Down Under. It is a life of hard work made bearable by sunshine, beach exploits and topless driving.




The Post Team are delighted to be able to publish her regular reflections on Antipodean life.

A Preponderance of Puppies

Hello Everybody

I've taken to long tramps along the beach most days in place of gym sessions, now that the weather is cool enough for proper outdoor exertion.

The local beach is a place of people and dogs (one of the rare places they are allowed off-leash), thereby guaranteeing entertainment for a dog-lover like me.

On each walk I privately award prizes for 'Most Handsome Dog', 'Waggiest Dog', 'Friendliest Dog', 'Most Bonkers Dog' and 'Best Ball-Catcher'.

The breeds invariably winning 'Most Handsome' are Labradors, Retrievers, Great Danes and Dalmatians, which demonstrate my personal favourites, of course.

'Waggiest' are usually Border Collies, but Cocker and Springer Spaniels and the occasional Terrier have also taken that prize.

Most Bonkers' are generally Heinz dogs, although a Retriever won yesterday. He was completely overcome to be at the beach; running round in circles, in and out of the surf, ears flapping and tail whirring; racing up to his owner to tell her what fun he was having, then off again racing half way to Noosa. What joy!

He was of course a double winner, with 'Waggiest' as well as 'Most Bonkers'.

'Best Ball-Catchers' are, without exception, Collies.

I'm also instigating a new category for 'Friendliest Dog Owner'. There are a dozen or so with whom I cross paths most days. With some I have progressed past a smile and 'G'day; how are you?' to chats about the weather, the state of the waves and the antics of dogs.

And I'm considering 'Most Zen-like Dog Owner'. There are some who seem as pleased as their animals to be on the beach, as they kick through the surf, gently smiling and soaking in the ocean breeze and sunshine.

Finally I'm going to introduce 'Most Doggedly-Determined Dog' next week. There's no shortage of runaways, dogs acting deaf and general misbehaviour in the face of hoarse and sometimes desperate shouting.

Perhaps I should get a dog?

After sorting through doggie nominations and deciding the prize winners on Sunday, I walked back to the car and found a dozen people sitting on the sand, looking up expectantly into an apparently empty blue sky.

Out of curiosity I joined them, feeling slightly stupid, but assuming that the eager atmosphere was leading to something. And indeed, after a while three parachutes popped open and I could hear distant whoops and hollers.

Down they came, wheeling backwards and forwards along the coast, until they landed with extraordinary control and precision right in front of us on the beach.

The final touchdown was of a tandem - the girl in front evidently falling out of the sky for the first time, because she was the source of the shouting: either crapping herself or having a ball. Whatever, it took her a long time to get up from her hands and knees once she was on terra firma!

My Mum is a bit of a dare-devil and has done a few things in her time at which I seriously balk because of my vertigo; like gliding, helicoptering and walking fearlessly along cliff-tops.

When I told her about the sky-divers, she exhorted me to give it a go, because she can no longer contemplate that kind of challenge and has regrets about missed opportunities. (She's missed out on hot-air-ballooning too.)

To be fair, when I gave myself a chopper trip 18 months ago my vertigo didn't kick in at all, and whilst I have absolutely no inclination to chuck myself head first off a bridge on a bungee, perhaps a tandem parachute jump wouldn't be so bad?

And I've always said that I won't die with the words 'If only...' and 'What if..?' on my lips.

Perhaps I'll take my courage in both my hands and organise it for my birthday, in my own personal tradition of 'doing something I've never done before' to celebrate each passing year.

It was on my drive home from the beach on Sunday that the black beast was almost smashed by an idiot in a large 4WD (one of those ones with teeth), who signalled right at a roundabout and then cut left across my bows.

My roof was down and his windows were open, so there is no way on earth he can have missed my bellow of as I stamped on the brake and swerved to avoid him.

When I overtook him a little way down the road, I gave him a really hard grumpy stare... and found myself glaring into the eyes of Australia's Shadow Treasurer.

I have always thought he was rather smarmy and pleased with himself. Now I add 'arrogant road-hog' to his list of attributes. Pah! No guessing where my vote won't be going.

Witters from Down Under Archive

Frenchbean

19.06.08 Front Page

Back Issue Page