Ask Mr Dreadful
Created | Updated Jan 20, 2005
'Tis a fine day out here on the Seven Seas. The crew are happy, the parrot's squawking and the hold is laden with gold and fine silks plundered from fat merchantmen.
Arrr!
Sorry, I digress, welcome to the first (and hopefully not the last) Ask Mr. Dreadful column in the H2G2 Post. Every month I'll be putting up the most moving and heartfelt letters I have received in the previous four weeks along with one or two classics from the Ask Mr. Dreadful backlog.
Do you have difficulties with pirates?
Are you unsure of the correct way to badger a badger or clean a polecat?
Is your life unfulfilled and void of helpful advice?
If the answer to any of these questions is 'yes' then... Ask Mr. Dreadful, H2G2's one and only Agony Pirate.
Literates of the Spanish Main
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
I have a problem getting pirates to return library books on time.
They give me bogus addresses like King's Warf, Slip 4, Berth 7. When I try to find them to retrieve our books, I often find that Slip 4 has been turned into a floating casino and Berth 7 is now occupied by a roulette wheel.
And when they finally do return the books, they try to pay their fines with those little gold foil wrapped chocolate coins. My bank will not give us credit for chocolate coins.
What should I do? I can't afford to keep replacing all of our books about parrots.
Yours,
Hypatia
Dear Hypatia,
Install cannon by the door and keep a cutlass under the desk, these are things which pirates will understand and are generally the only way to make a pirate part with any real money.
Another alternative would be to invest in a travelling library-ship which can chase down the tardy pirates while also offering a small but diverse selection of the latest books.
Muletide
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
I need some advice about how to keep mules off my patio.
Thank you.
Yours,
Lil
Dear Lil,
Hmmm... this is a tricky one. If it wasn't against so many laws I'd advise installing a minefield, so instead I shall advise that you install a 10-foot electric fence complete with sentry towers, searchlights and attack dogs (available from most branches of Toys R Us. Kids, eh?).
Unless, of course, you mean 'mules' as in 'footwear' in which case you need only install a shoe rack.
Absence Make the Heart Grow its Own Vegetables
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
Two years ago my wife ran off with my best friend, and I really miss him.
What should I do?
Yours,
Dai
Dear Dai,
Get a new best friend and do all the things that your old best friend liked to do. Make sure you tell everybody you know about your new best friend and how he's so much better than the old one.
Eventually the news will reach your old best friend and in a fit of jealousy he will return and kill your new best friend. Try to get yourself implicated as an accessory to the act and you will both be sent to prison, and if you ask nicely you will be allowed to share a cell for the duration of your 'porridge'.
Are You Loving It?
Dear Mr. Dreadful,
A few years ago I began to notice worrying trend in my life. After consuming copious quantities of alcohol I suddenly become attracted to any person who was within earshot of my stool at the bar. At the same I began to experience problems with my legs.
It was about six months before this became noticeable that I accidentally went into a fast food chain that I can only here refer to as 'MC Dona's', is this related to my predicament? And does it explain the strange periods of memory loss I often experience?
Yours,
Confused of the 'Flying Pig'
Dear Confused,
The people you meet at the bar are secret agents working for the MC Dona's Corporation of Ameriworld. They have been spiking your drink with a nerve agent which compels you to go to MC Dona's and eat McProcessed Cheese 3/4 Pounders (now with Meat!). Any attempts to do anything else seem like drunkenness as your body is basically on autopilot and the conflicts within your neural pathways make things very difficult indeed.
The memory loss may simply be alcohol related.
If you have any problems with your lifestyle, or just need advice about keel hauling leave a message on the latest thread on Ask Mr. Dreadful or contact Mr. Dreadful directly via e-mail. I shall attempt to answer all correspondence even though only a small portion of it will appear in the column every month. Letters may be edited for crimes against grammar.
Until next time, mateys!
Mr. Dreadful
