h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Entry: The Witness - A3496089
Author: Flameofgold - U645857

Danielle is witness to an event she never expected to see.

This is a serious piece of work, disturbing in its realism and at the same time moving. One can't help but be drawn into the horror as it unfolds, almost to the point of crying out STOP!!!

And therein lies the true beauty of this story. It brings the nightmare out into the light and puts it on display. Who among you can ignore the crime after reading such? Who can remain unmoved by such tragedy. Not this reader.

And not you either, if a soul resides within.

Seconded.

I liked your choice in focusing on the humanity of the girl and in keeping the reader with her pain to the end without getting diverted into anger and blame.

I don't really want to do the workshop style stuff after that but you've gone though what it takes to produce a piece like this - the least I can do in return is to do some work too. So a couple of thoughts after rereading:

The "Please," she whispered, "please take me home...." paragraph is the readers' 'Stop!' line.

Isolating it like that yet making it a quiet line, whispered rather than screamed, gives it impact.

I wondered if it would produce a rising tension through the three paragraphs that precede that one if the signs in the first of them were less definite? Might increase the impact of that 'Stop!' line even more. Don't know, just wondered.

The word 'kissed'. It stuck in my mind. The sound of the word is gentle in itself. And there it is with all it's romantic connotations... can you call what he did kissing? On the other hand the effect of the sickening contrast is perhaps worth keeping. Don't know again.

(Really helpful hey? )

Thanks for posting and thanks for another moving read, Flame.

Wow... the only thing I can say is that I wasn't so much moved as disgusted.
But, it's my belief that the mark of good writing is making the reader feel strongly and emotionally.

Check that off...