What Is Bonoboism

Bonoboism is an artificial religion, established solely for the purposes of debating the nature of religious thought.

Some of the main elements of Bonoboism are:

• It has a set of scriptures which define its basic tenets and supporting myths.
• There are many schools within Bonoboism, and hence many possible views on the interpretation of scripture. Some Bonoboist sects take scripture literally, wheras others regard it as allegory from which they are free to extract and interpret its tenets to form their own belief system.
• Bonoboism is a living path. New scriptures are sometimes discovered. (The notional author of these scriptures is the prophet Edward). Interpretations of scripture also develop over time, as the result of dialogue between and within the various sects.
• Bonoboism is an eclectic religion. Some of its scriptures are clearly influenced by other religions. Also, on the Chinese model, adherents are not necessarily restricted to Bonoboism (although Bonoboist fundamentalists disagree on this), but are at liberty to pick what they chose and mix it up with other faiths of their choosing
• Bonoboism originated in pre-scientific times. As such, it sometimes provides explanations of the physical world which are seemingly at odds with what we now know. Depending on their degree of fundamentalism, Bonoboists believe either that scriptures overrule science, or that they can be interpreted in ways which provide alternate worldviews which are not necessarily inconsistent with science.
• Some parts of Bonoboist scripture blatantly contradict one-another and are the subject of raging - often violently antagonistic - debate between the various sects of the faith

Bonoboist Scripture

Bonoboist scriptures are collectively known as 'The Guru Edward Sahib'. While it is widely recognised that they were the work of more than one hand, they are treated as a unified whole, written by a notional prophet, called 'Edward' - a hairy creature not unrelated to humankind. The Guru Edward Sahib can be thought of as the collective wisdom of Bonoboist thought. In some traditions of Bonoboism, the book is regarded as a stand-in for Edward himself and is accorded due reverence.

Litle is known of the origin of the scriptures. Certainly there is a large body of them which which are believed to have been originally written in a variant of American Sign Language, for which no original document can be found. There are also parts of the scripture which can be traced back to source documents in various formats (short essays, scraps of paper, e-mails), written in various languages and styles. These have been collectively translated into a standard form of 'High Bonoboist ASL'. Some sects use this form within their liturgy, while others use translations into local languages.

A matter of considerable controversy within the Bonoboist faith is the constant emergence of previously undiscovered scraps of scripture. Opinion varies between sects as to whether these should be incorporated into 'The Living Guru Edward Sahib'.

The Guru Edward Sahib has two (or possibly three) components:

The Pillow Book

Bonoboist tradition holds that a fairy named Tinkerbell left a book of scripture beneath the prophet Edward's Pillow. This book was written in an unfamiliar language which only became comprehensible once Edward had slipped on a pair of sacred RayBans.

The Pillow Book is also known as 'What The Fairies Have Told Us.' It is a collection of material - descriptions of the origins of the world, moral instructions, fairy stories - which are supposed to originate from various fairies (see below). It is divided into books, mainly corresponding to the various fairy authours (The Book of Tinkerbell; The Book of Mimi; The Book of Petunia; etc)

The Pillow Book is generally regarded as defining the basic precepts of Bonoboism.

The Post Scriptures

In addition to the Pillow Book, The Post Scriptures provides a collection of material which is regarded as interpretaion of and commentary on the basic precepts. The various, eclectic parts of the Post Scriptures are regarded collectively as the works of Edward and hence are also known as 'The Musings of The Bonobo'

The Musings are divided into many parts - some short, some long. These range in style from dense, philosophical lectures (eg 'Who Is This Derrida Guy Anyway?' to short parables, zen-like haikus and koans and a nice song about some ducks. One of the more intriguing parts is a recipe for Tarka Dhal, which is regarded by Bonoboists as a sacred food.

The Apothecary

From time to time, new scraps of Bonoboist writings are uncovered in various obscure places (desert caves; suburban litter bins; down the back of the couch). While some sects of Orthodox Bonoboism fail to accept the validity of these, others are happy to include them within the Post Scriptures. Indeed, some sects believe that the continued emergence of such scraps is evidence that Edward is a living prophet. Surprisingly, there is little disagreement amongst such sects as to whether some scraps are authentic and others not. They hold the view that the scraps all apply different shades of meaning and interpretation to the scriptures. Where they are mutually contradictory, they are regarded as two sides of a dialogue between which the Bonoboist must steer a path towards the truth

Collectively, the newly-emerged scraps are called 'The Apothecary'. There is no particular pharmacological relevance to this title - it is simply a mis-spelling of a term borrowed from another faith. It is a moot point as to whether The Apothecary is a separate part of scriptures. Outwith Orthodox sects, adherents hold that the Post Scriptures are the sum of the Orthodox Post Scripture, plus the Apothecary.

The Bonoboist Cosmo-Theology

The Bonoboist faith is theist - but it is difficult to tell whether it is monotheistic, polytheistic or pantheistic. It holds that any wisdom it might hold is a direct consequence of the way the universe has been put together. The structure of the universe not only ordains a 'natural order' but also places Bonoboist adherents in a position to communicate with universal forces

The means by which the Bonoboist communicates with the universe is through conversation with fairies - either second hand, Guru Edward Sahib - or, in the mystic strand of Bonoboism, through direct contact.

The Fairies

Fairies are traditionally held to be beings which are responsible for the day-to-day running of the universe. There are many, many fairies, all of whome have different jobs (the cake fairy; the sunshine fairy; the fairy that makes flowers grow; the fairy that pushes people down when they jump up; the fairy that makes babies smile). There is no exhaustive list of fairies (a mere 543 are mentioned in The Pillow Book), and it is thus held by Bonoboists that we cannot fully comprehend the universe, but merely search for ever more fairies

Fairies live at the bottom of the garden, and are thus on hand for communication with the Bonoboist. The fairies enjoy talking to people, if only they will listen, and are happy to tell stories about themselves, other fairies and various aspects of how the universe works. It is these stories that are recorded in The Pillow Book. The stories are believed by Bonoboists to represent the fairies attempts to suggest the things that humans are supposed to do. 'Free will' is explained by the fact that humans do not always take the hint.

Unfortunately, not all fairies tell the whole truth. Some of their stories are confusing and some are outright lies. Not all fairies are good - some are mischevious and others downright malevolent. This is how Bonoboist theology explains the phenomena of human discord and suffering.

Those People Up There

A favourite topic for fairy stories is tales of 'Those people up there'. These are widely assumed to be (but are not explicitly stated by the fairies to be) gods. The fairies do not have direct contact with the gods, but sometimes, when they fly near the gods' realm beyond the rainbow, they overhear their conversations.

As far as we can tell, the gods seem to have something of an executive role within the cosmology. Their conversation seems to suggest that they created the universe, have title to it, expect worship and can command the fairies to run it a certain way (the fairies are devoted to the gods; if a god were to suggest, as Wodin does in The Book of Jemmima, that 'those humans should be taught who's boss' - then a fairy overhearing would take it as an order). Thus the gods are theoretically omnipotent - but there is always a degree of uncertainty as to whether a fairy happens to be passing (and which fairy determines how the order is carried out.

So far, the term 'gods' has been used in the plural. However, it is not clear to the fairies just how many there are. Many different names are used - Isis, Wodin, Ahura-Mazda, Quetzacoatl, Jehovah, Kali, Bob - but some of the fairies suspect that certain gods use multiple pseudonyms, and one reports "I reckon that God has some sort of multiple personality disorder" (2nd Book of Norman, 3:11). Sometimes the god(s) are in a friendly, benevolent mood while other times they are capricious, grumpy and even malign, leading to a dualistic interpretation.

The Bonoboist Universe

The Bonoboist universe is divided up into three parts:

• The Home of the Humans: The real world which we inhabit and over which the fairies have day-to-day responsibility. It is divided into the various rooms of human activity.
• The Garden. A beautiful place, which can be entered by the Bonoboist seeking beauty and truth. Fairies live at the bottom of the garden.
• Up There: The realm of the Gods, somewhere beyond the rainbow. Fairies can (theoretically) enter this realm, but would never dream of doing so without being invited

While human activity is restricted to The Home ("Thou shallt say thy prayers and get tucked up all cosy in thy bed" The Book Of Nana, 23:14), some movement is permitted between realms:

• Human thought is said to wander into the garden from time to time
• At the end of life, humans usually go into The Attic. However, humans who have been especially nice may be invited by the fairies to dwell in the garden and are planted as pretty little flower
• New lives are created when fairies fly in through the window and scatter fairy dust
• Fairies bearing urgent messages may pop up in The Home.
• At night, fairies enter cheildren's bedrooms to check that they have been good and to purchase any spare teeth.
• The prettier animals and plants (bunnies, bluebells) dwell in The Garden and are afforded special protection by the fairies (and hence are sacred).

In addition to the gods and fairies, The Guru Edward Sahib - especially in The Post Scriptures mentions various other characters, such as Dougie, The Girl With The Pony Tail, Flash Bob, Raoul and Miss Tibbles. These are all reckoned to be friends and acquaintances of Edward who have been told various things, true or false, by the fairies.

The Seven Pillars

Bonoboist life is governed by seven 'pillars' or precepts, each of which is associated with a different fairy:

• Listenining to the fairies (Tinkerbell): Prayer, meditation and obedience to the gods.
• Being Lovely (Frou-Frou): Pleasing the fairies in words and deeds. Charitable acts. Kindness to bunnies.
• Tidying Up (Nana): Looking after The Home (ie not making a mess in the real world
• Watering the flowers. (Trixie-Marie): Looking after The Garden, ie studying scriptures understanding the realm of the fairies (mystical sects also include meditation)
• Playing Nice. (LaaLaaLaa): A beleief in the universal kinship and equality of humankind.
• Din Dins (Yum-Yum): The weekly eating of Tarka Dahl (especially in communal meals)
• Smiling (Norman): A duty to be happy and make others happy.

There are considerable differences between sects as to how these precepts should be interpreted and hence in the diverse range of Bonoboist ritual and practice.

Bonoboist Rituals and Practices