See Gnomon's Update Workshop for an explanation of why this is here.

Guernsey is the second largest of the Channel Islands (with Jersey being the larger one). Although Guernsey and Jersey are included here under the heading of the United Kingdom they are not actually part of it. Instead both Guernsey and Jersey owe allegiance directly to the Queen of England in her role as Duke of Normandy. This dates back to 1066 when William, Duke of Normandy staged the last successful invasion of the British mainland and became King William the Conqueror. The Channel Islands are the only bits of Normandy that the British Crown managed to hold on to during the subsequent 900 years. Guernseymen sometimes refer to the Battle of Hastings as 'when we conquered the English'.

Both Guernsey and Jersey have their own mini-parliaments (known as 'The States') and this gives them rather more practical independence of Westminster than, say, Scotland or Wales, although the UK government is responsible for the island's defence and foreign relationships. Whenever someone suggests that the islands should pay for this, islanders mention the Occupation (see below).

When the UK joined the European Union this situation became even more complicated. The UK negotiated an exception for the Channel Islands which basically gives them all the advantages of EU membership but without the financial obligations.

Geography

Guernsey is shaped like a right-angled triangle with the sharp corners cut off. The short sides are the east and south coasts, and the long side is always referred to as the West Coast despite facing northwest. Total land area is about 25 square miles, and the short sides are six or seven miles long.

Guernsey is also responsible for Alderney, Herm, and a bunch of smaller islands with names that end in 'hou', such as Jethou (pronounced 'Jet-who'), Lihou and Breqhou. Most of these smaller islands are privately owned or rented, although you can wander over to Lihou at low tide. If you do this, be sure you get back before the tide rises. You can also take day trips by boat to Herm and Sark. A short airplane ride takes you to Alderney, although it's not clear why anyone ever does this.

Sark is yet another constitutional anomaly; it is the only Feudal Seigneury left in the world, and is therefore an independent state with the Seigneur owing allegiance directly to the Queen (it really is the Queen this time, not the Duke of Normandy). The island parliament is called the Chief Pleas. Jokes about the Droit de Seigneur are considered to be in very poor taste on the island.

The Occupation

The biggest thing to happen to Guernsey in the 20th Century was the Occupation by Germany during World War II. Hitler turned the island into a fortress, and the resulting lumps of concrete are now among the most historically significant eyesores in the world. Nobody can decide whether they should be demolished, maintained as part of the island's heritage, or just allowed to fall apart.

Finance

The largest town is St Peter Port (usually just called 'Town', and never 'St Peter's Port'), which sits half way down the East Coast. It's notable for its cobbled High Street and amazing density of banks and other financial institutions. Guernsey and Jersey are both centres of offshore financial activity thanks to their generous tax laws. This activity is generally straight, but allegations of large-scale money laundering are made occasionally. Also an odd piece of law means that companies can incorporate on Sark with Sark directors and thereby avoid just about every piece of company law in the world. However, Sarkees who go into the Company-Director-for-hire business (known as the Sark Lark) run the risk of finding that one of the hundreds of pieces of paper they get asked to sign has turned out to be part of a fraud, for which they get arrested and imprisoned.

Cows

Guernsey's most famous export is probably the Guernsey cow. It's a little larger than the better-known Jersey cow, and does not have the characteristic black face of the Jersey. There also used to be an Alderney cow, but they appear to have become extinct during the Occupation.

Famous Guernseymen

• Football fans will know of Guernseyman Matthew Le Tissier, the prodigiously talented, much-loved character who has faithfully served Southampton Football Club for many years.

• John Le Messurier was an actor from Guernsey. He was best known as Sergeant Wilson in Dads Army, but also played Bilbo in the BBC Radio adaptation of The Lord of the Rings, and the Wise Old Bird in series two of The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.

• Victor Hugo was not born on Guernsey, but he was its most famous resident. You can visit his house if you are interested.

Visiting

If you go to Guernsey during the summer then make sure you have accommodation organised before you get on the plane or boat, and preferably get both sorted well in advance. The island fills right up during the summer, and the authorities take a very dim view of people sleeping rough. There are several campsites, but caravans are heavily restricted. Basically, you can't take your caravan over there.

There are any numbers of restaurants, most of which have a seafood theme. Locally caught crab is especially good. If you are self-catering then try buying your seafood in the market on the north side of town. The fishmongers buy it directly off the boat.

A trip to Guernsey has to include a walk on the South Cliffs. Guernsey has lowland north, which rises via steep hills to a 300-foot plateau in the south. The plateau drops abruptly down to the sea, producing spectacular views and a dream habitat for seagulls. You can walk along the whole length of the cliffs. In fact, you can walk along almost the entire coast, and a determined walker can do this in a couple of days.

If you prefer a more usual tourist activity, such as frying yourself in sun cream on the beach, then there are a number of broad sandy bays on the west coast. However, these get crowded during the tourist season. For something a little more secluded pick one of the coves on the south coast at the bottom of the cliffs. Moulin Huet and Petit Bot are probably the easiest to get to.

There are also a bunch of museums. The one in Candie Gardens covers the island's history in general and is very good. Military history is done at Castle Cornet and all the wrecks that have happened are at Fort Grey on the west coast. This latter is locally known as The Cup and Saucer because of its odd design.

Language

The names and odd pronunciations bring us on to language. Guernsey has two languages: English and Guernsiais, which is a peculiar mixture of French and English with a few odd bits of its own. In some of the smokier cafés on the west coast and in St Peter Port you can still hear people speaking Guernsiais. Even when speaking English the Guernsey accent is quite distinctive. Think of a cross between French and South African with the word 'eh' appended to the end of every sentence.

Hints and Tips for Visitors to Guernsey

• Jersey and Jerseymen are despised. Jerseymen are called crapauds, which means 'toad' in Guernsiais. Do not admit to having come from or visited Jersey.

• Attitudes on the island are, well, insular. Black and Asian faces are sufficiently rare that they may attract stares, but serious bigotry is unlikely to be a problem. Being openly gay, on the other hand, is probably a bad idea. Homosexuality was only legalised comparatively recently, and then only because the European Convention on Human Rights required it.

• When walking on the south coast stick to the paths. This especially applies if you are walking out with a girl/boyfriend and fancy a spot of alfresco sex. The emergency services rescue several such couples every year, and the use of excessive sarcasm has been authorised.

• Buy a road map as soon as you arrive. The island is a maze of small lanes with a complicated one-way system. Direction signs are sparse except on main roads (most of which would just about qualify as 'B-road' in the UK). If you get seriously lost then try to head in a roughly straight line until you find a main road. In the south look for aircraft taking off and landing; they show where the airport is.

• Hire cars carry a large 'H' plate so that local drivers can spot tourists and give them a wide berth. Guernsey roads take some getting used to, so this is an important accident prevention system. The local number plates are distinctive (all digits), so cars brought over on the ferry can also be identified. By the way, car hire is cheap on Guernsey, so it may not be worth bringing your own car over. Road markings and rules of the road are not quite the same as the UK, so make sure you know the differences before setting out. People drive on the left in Guernsey (mostly, anyway).

• You can't get a pint, or any other alcohol, on Sunday. In fact the island pretty much shuts down on Sunday. Plan a day on the beach or walking the cliffs.

• Cycling is a good way of getting around the island, but beware those steep hills. Adrenaline junkies may want to try going down the Val de Terre without using the brakes.

• There is a mobile phone service, but coverage is by the local telephone company. This will count as 'roaming' for billing purposes.

• If you are there in September then make sure you see the excellent Liberation Day air display, featuring the Red Arrows and the Battle of Britain flight. It's free and the best place to watch is the top of the ferry terminal or Castel Cornet, although pretty much anywhere on the harbour is good.