The Human Race- A nice species to visit but...
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
The human race, ah, that brings me back. Sunny days, picnics in the park.
"Oh look mom, that man has a clipboard and pen."
"Run away son, call for help, save yourself.."
Sigh, if only I had stayed at her side, then perhaps her theories on world peace and that endless power source could have been published. Oh well, such is life.
I digress; the human race can only be described as one big public swimming pool of confusion, and used plasters floating mid-water in the shallow end. Humans like to make things difficult for themselves; money, pollution, politics and not forgetting DIY programs.
So this article could be discribed as the most important piece of information for survival on the planet in question (Earth, in case you didn't realise which planet you are on). Frankly humans don't like it when they're evaluated, so I'll try and keep things as uncontroversial as possible.
Anyway, the human race is a funny old thing, and they work by a set of chaotic and completely illogical set of rules. So as an example I thought I should run you through a few of them:
1. Always state the obvious, except when it has something to do with you. Stating the obvious is possibly the most annoying thing one can encounter with humans. But it seems the only way humans can begin interaction. For example:
'Did'nt you wear those spandex pyjamas last week?
'No, I just covered myself in Dulux once emulsion and thought i'd go out looking like something from one of Dale Winton's wildest fantasies!'
2. Constantly boast about your own illnesses and bad experiences especially if they are self-inflicted. One of the most important ways to fit in is to create a fictional happening (the truth is so exaggerated it may as well be fiction!), in which they undergo a misfortune and boast about it. Observe:
'I went out 'clubbing' last night, it was really awful! I was slapped in the face by some women who caught me trying to grope her! Then I was kicked out for trying to drink straight from the beer tap. Afterwards I was so bladdered I spewed up everywhere, I could barely walk. I had such a great time I've decided to do exactly the same thing tonight!' It sounded awfully peachy to me as well.
3. The use of the word 'nothing,' must be used in the completely wrong context(something I have to admit to have done). An example if you will:
Julie:'Whats wrong John? You have a miserable look on your face and there's a 10 inch nail sticking out the back of your head!'
John:'Nothing.'
Maybe thats a good example of stating the obvious (and a poor use of language).
I'll keep adding to this list as time goes by, if you want to give any suggestions, type them down and I'll take a look.
The best way to get on with a human is to never be open, never tell the truth and always pretend to be ignorant over their personal matters. What this means is speaking to everyone else apart from the actual person about their problems. Apparently, humans much prefer this as it means there destiny is out of their hands. 'Let fate decide.' Fate happens to be a b*****d, the same b*****d who decides when you should have to sit through a slide show describing the anatomy of a tape worm! The same rectal louse who ponders whether you will either eat the nice honey coated cereal or sugar puffs! So in my opinion you should take fate into your own hands and ring his bloody neck(fate maybe a man or woman, but I don't really care). But for the visitor to earth, it maybe best to just sit back and let things hit you. Its only polite after all.
Human custums vary, they try to hide them behide ethnical differences, but their all the same. They go through the same thought processes everyday. Wake up, realise you've got to get out of the security of your bed and get on with your day. Go have some breakfast, labelled as a fibre provider, but knowing in your heart of hearts, it'll just make you fatter. Brush your teeth using your three year old toothbrush, which is now only adding bacteria to your teeth and then get changed. Depending on your vocation, decide what to wear for the day, spend five minutes looking and then just grab the least stinky clothes. Take a shave (this can apply to a man or woman), then set off to your destination. When there, think about how monotonous your life really is, then think, nah, what the hell and carry on as usual. Then go home and, REPEAT PROCEDURE UNTIL EXPIRY. Thats not even my own life.
I know I sound pretty pecimistic, but humans do like to live in perpetual misery. Looking on the bright side, stars in their eyes is on, on Saturday nights!
I myself am actually human (*poor observational joke placed here*), and so could be described as being biased or just plain silly. But I assure you I really am sitting on a wall for this. The human race in its heart of hearts thinks that its unique, but the truth is there is probably better. Its going to take a bit of evolution before humans start to get intelligent, but when they do, I want to be there with naked baby photo's of them, laughing at just how wrinkly and small they used to be.
Humans have their good points however, bloody mindedness can be described as one of the better ones. Once they have their minds set upon something, it must become reality. Teenagers are seen to be aggitated, generally greasy and unpleasent not to mention keen for self satisfication! This leads to social constructionism, meaning that teenagers end up living up to their stereotype. That's just one example. This can be good for manipulation! In theory if you arrive at intial intake of knowledge in a human you could create a completely different reality for them(reality is only how we perceive it after all)!
I'm going to keep adding to this entry, and if you give me a while i'm sure i'll find at least half a dozen positive things to say. I'm sure Ford Prefect could back me up on what I've said, but unfortunately he's currently watching the end of the universe while drinking a fine Betelgeusian wine. Oh, and I almost forgot, Always have your towel on standby, your going to be using it overtime.
"Oh look mom, that man has a clipboard and pen."
"Run away son, call for help, save yourself.."
Sigh, if only I had stayed at her side, then perhaps her theories on world peace and that endless power source could have been published. Oh well, such is life.
I digress; the human race can only be described as one big public swimming pool of confusion, and used plasters floating mid-water in the shallow end. Humans like to make things difficult for themselves; money, pollution, politics and not forgetting DIY programs.
So this article could be discribed as the most important piece of information for survival on the planet in question (Earth, in case you didn't realise which planet you are on). Frankly humans don't like it when they're evaluated, so I'll try and keep things as uncontroversial as possible.
Anyway, the human race is a funny old thing, and they work by a set of chaotic and completely illogical set of rules. So as an example I thought I should run you through a few of them:
1. Always state the obvious, except when it has something to do with you. Stating the obvious is possibly the most annoying thing one can encounter with humans. But it seems the only way humans can begin interaction. For example:
'Did'nt you wear those spandex pyjamas last week?
'No, I just covered myself in Dulux once emulsion and thought i'd go out looking like something from one of Dale Winton's wildest fantasies!'
2. Constantly boast about your own illnesses and bad experiences especially if they are self-inflicted. One of the most important ways to fit in is to create a fictional happening (the truth is so exaggerated it may as well be fiction!), in which they undergo a misfortune and boast about it. Observe:
'I went out 'clubbing' last night, it was really awful! I was slapped in the face by some women who caught me trying to grope her! Then I was kicked out for trying to drink straight from the beer tap. Afterwards I was so bladdered I spewed up everywhere, I could barely walk. I had such a great time I've decided to do exactly the same thing tonight!' It sounded awfully peachy to me as well.
3. The use of the word 'nothing,' must be used in the completely wrong context(something I have to admit to have done). An example if you will:
Julie:'Whats wrong John? You have a miserable look on your face and there's a 10 inch nail sticking out the back of your head!'
John:'Nothing.'
Maybe thats a good example of stating the obvious (and a poor use of language).
I'll keep adding to this list as time goes by, if you want to give any suggestions, type them down and I'll take a look.
The best way to get on with a human is to never be open, never tell the truth and always pretend to be ignorant over their personal matters. What this means is speaking to everyone else apart from the actual person about their problems. Apparently, humans much prefer this as it means there destiny is out of their hands. 'Let fate decide.' Fate happens to be a b*****d, the same b*****d who decides when you should have to sit through a slide show describing the anatomy of a tape worm! The same rectal louse who ponders whether you will either eat the nice honey coated cereal or sugar puffs! So in my opinion you should take fate into your own hands and ring his bloody neck(fate maybe a man or woman, but I don't really care). But for the visitor to earth, it maybe best to just sit back and let things hit you. Its only polite after all.
Human custums vary, they try to hide them behide ethnical differences, but their all the same. They go through the same thought processes everyday. Wake up, realise you've got to get out of the security of your bed and get on with your day. Go have some breakfast, labelled as a fibre provider, but knowing in your heart of hearts, it'll just make you fatter. Brush your teeth using your three year old toothbrush, which is now only adding bacteria to your teeth and then get changed. Depending on your vocation, decide what to wear for the day, spend five minutes looking and then just grab the least stinky clothes. Take a shave (this can apply to a man or woman), then set off to your destination. When there, think about how monotonous your life really is, then think, nah, what the hell and carry on as usual. Then go home and, REPEAT PROCEDURE UNTIL EXPIRY. Thats not even my own life.
I know I sound pretty pecimistic, but humans do like to live in perpetual misery. Looking on the bright side, stars in their eyes is on, on Saturday nights!
I myself am actually human (*poor observational joke placed here*), and so could be described as being biased or just plain silly. But I assure you I really am sitting on a wall for this. The human race in its heart of hearts thinks that its unique, but the truth is there is probably better. Its going to take a bit of evolution before humans start to get intelligent, but when they do, I want to be there with naked baby photo's of them, laughing at just how wrinkly and small they used to be.
Humans have their good points however, bloody mindedness can be described as one of the better ones. Once they have their minds set upon something, it must become reality. Teenagers are seen to be aggitated, generally greasy and unpleasent not to mention keen for self satisfication! This leads to social constructionism, meaning that teenagers end up living up to their stereotype. That's just one example. This can be good for manipulation! In theory if you arrive at intial intake of knowledge in a human you could create a completely different reality for them(reality is only how we perceive it after all)!
I'm going to keep adding to this entry, and if you give me a while i'm sure i'll find at least half a dozen positive things to say. I'm sure Ford Prefect could back me up on what I've said, but unfortunately he's currently watching the end of the universe while drinking a fine Betelgeusian wine. Oh, and I almost forgot, Always have your towel on standby, your going to be using it overtime.
