h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I have to come back and review all of this good stuff but just briefly crusing through reminded me of one of the funniest jokes I have ever heard....I had an organic chem professor who was one of the most intimidating curmugeons ever...he specialised in crabbiness which is a pretty awful way to teach college students. One day in class he announced that this week's lab usually would involve using mercury but since mercury was now known to be dangerous, students were not allowed to use it. I've been using mercury for decades he said, but nobody cares about me. Nobody notices that when the weather gets cold, I get shorter and when the weather gets warm I get taller. I nearly fell out of my desk laughing at this and then couldn't stop laughing at the horrified looks on the other students faces...years later his comments are still cracking me up and I think about this whenever I look at a thermometer, which is often because I have 2 greenhouses. This crabby guy has real immortality. I've told the joke a gozillion times but it's not as funny because (cliche coming) you just had to be there.