h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hi Flame,

Liked this very much. I read it once, then read it again for the plot clues, and yes! They are very carefully constructed as to have a double meaning, which makes the second read probably more pleasurable than the first. A few of my favourite and not so favourite bits follow:

"Joshua's eyes were red rimmed and puffy, his face, peppered with grey stubble was ashen"

(A decent clue as to the reality of the situation and his state of health, but not enough to give away the ending. It reads first time like he's in a deep state of self neglect now his "loved one" has left him. Lovely double meaning.)

"a merry-go-round of perpetual parties and non-stop fun."

(A great way to introduce yourself to "her".)

"she was there to comfort him"

(So true!)


"Although he admired her physical beauty"

(Not so sure about this. Are youreferring to the bottle/label/colour?)

"Sometimes she amused him so much he would roar with laughter until his sides and belly ached. Other times they sat in comfortable silence and didn't have the need to say very much at all."

(A great piece of metaphorical writing about the mental states of drunkenness. Lovely.)

"In his darkest moments, of which there were many, he had finally given in to his feelings, and opened up to her. He hadn't planned it to happen that way, but once his tongue was set loose he found he couldn't stop. His deepest secrets, his fears and disappointments, all the things he despised about himself. The sadness of his life came pouring out until he thought he would drown in the tide of his own sorrow."

(Perhaps he should despense with the depressive alcohol (maybe with less additives))

"She didn't judge or ridicule, just sat back quietly and listened. He wept openly, gratefully and unashamedly, warm salty tears (sliding) down his face and nose."

(Nice image but "sliding" is the wrong word. Maybe "trickling" or "meandering" or something like that.)

"He was consumed by her, thought of her day and night, craving her like a jealous lover."

(Good analogy of an addict.)

""I'm sorry to have to be the one to break the news, but we can't avoid this any longer. The situation isn't looking good; in fact it isn't looking good at all. Your chronic drinking is causing serious damage to your health. Unless you agree to give up the bottle immediately there is little more we can do ..."

He coughed loudly, and paused again, searching for the right words. "Maybe we can get you into a detox unit, or at least find you some kind of support," he suggested kindly.

A flicker of hope briefly crossed Joshua face. Then he shook his head and smiled sadly. There was no one who could help him now; he had surrendered to her long ago. With heavy shoulders, Joshua slowly rose from the chair and without a further word or backward glance, left the room."

(I think this bit is good, and leads to the plot reveal, but doesn't quite have the same style as the rest. I don't know what to suggest, but it just seems a little out of place.)

"Sitting alone, and in silence, Joshua stared hard at her, his beloved, the whisky bottle on the table."

(quite a jerky sentence, and as it's the plot twist reveal thingy, it needs to be the most powerful one of the whole story.)

"He could hear her calling softly, beckoning him to taste her sweetness. With shaking hands he lifted the smooth golden nectar to his lips, knowing he would never let her go."

(Nice powerful ending, but may be better if you say "he lifted HER smooth golden nectar")

On the whole, it's a sad, poignant but warm piece of writing. Great for a short story comp, if you spend a little more time in the polishing.

Well done!

Chrono.

Thanks. If you looked you would have seen that it has already been polished and featured. I just wanted you to read it......

But thanks anyway

Oh. Sorry.

It's like a piece I've just done - I polished and agonised over every word until it was the absolute best I could do. I put it proudly out to crit to a couple of people I respect to give me an honest opinion. One came back and said he couldn't add a single thing and that it was the best piece I'd done, and the other was very harsh and picked it to bits.

Sorry if I was just meant to read it and not give a detailed comment.

Chrono

Forgive me if my commentary was misconstrued. It truly is an excellent piece of writing. But if I just told you that, I could've just said that without reading it or bothering to pore over every line.

The above comment regarding the two people who commented on my piece - neither were completely right or completely wrong, but I found it really useful to get two such different views. It helped me get it just that little bit better without compromising what I'd done in the first place. I'm not too keen on me/others telling writers they should do this, or they should change that, because it's all about personal opinion - I mean, unless I'm/they're a multi million selling author or respected professional writer, what do I/they know?

I'd like to read more of your stuff, Flame, cos you've got talent and plenty of submissions on here to read.

Just let me know if you want me to critique it or not, thats all!

I'm waffling. Have a great day. Miserable though the weather is.

Chrono

Wrote it ages ago and probably could have gone back to it and improved, but then couldn't we all with every bit of work? Change a word here and there, say it slightly differently, add things in, take them out? I get to the point when I can't be a***d to go back anymore, don't you?

Nice to think you took so much time over it, but it was already to the UG and as I no longer had any editorial control I couldn't have made any changes even if I wanted to. (Once in the UG or PR you lose control although they do ask you if you agree with any changes).

I actually like suggestions for my work and prefer to have people read it who I know will give an honest assessment - rather than the 'it's fantastic' all the time. Will never learn from that. In this case I
suggested just to 'read it' as I wanted to save you any typing . But all is well, will look at your suggestions and maybe make the odd amendement if I decide to send it off somewhere. So maybe your typing didn't go to waste after all.

Sent any of your work off?

(hate to butt in)

"Nice to think you took so much time over it, but it was already to the UG and as I no longer had any editorial control I couldn't have made any changes even if I wanted to."

Sure you could. We're nothing if not flexible. If you ever come up with any changes to your UG works, and want them changed, ask one of the eds and we'll try to make it happen

Hi Jodan,

Thanks. I did say you are asked if you want to make any changes, just that you can't make them yourself. Not that I wanted to........

Cheers,
Flame