h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No longer just for the homeless, dumpster-diving can be a fun, if somewhat risky way to provide for the body's needs during times of un- or under-employment. Students, the working poor, and tree-hugging hippies who want to do something more than complain about the wasteful habits of modern consumers can live quite comfortably with absolutely no money spent on meals. Any health risks associated with this form of dining should be taken into consideration, but the knowledgable diver will soon learn to tell a good "find" from a bad one. All in all, the benefits outweigh the risks.
So how does one go about dumpster-diving? It may seem obvious to some; just dive in and start digging. However, one must first take several factors into consideration. For example, not every dumpster or trash bin that one may come across will even contain any food. Obviously a dumpster used by an office-complex or manufacturer is not worth a second glance, unless your goal is to find materials or stationary. Many might think, "Well, then, how about one that is used by a restaurant?" Better, but keep in mind that these establishments throw any leftovers together in one big garbage bag, so the food found here will be a big, sloppy hodgepodge of slimy goo, more often than not floating in a soup sauces and soda. Certain fast-food restaurants, where the food is often served in cardboard boxes, are much better. A certain chicken establishment comes to mind. The buckets in which the meal is served make excellent trash containers, and any sloppy side-dishes such as mashed potatos and gravy, or cole slaw, come in styrofoam containers with plastic lids. The average diner at these establishments will re-seal the containers before disposing of them, just so that there is less to carry to the trash bin. Any eatery that serves the meal in a container of any sort, whether it be a box or bag, is better than a more expensive restaurant.
This leads us to two more excellent sources for the diver to explore: the Pizza Joint and the Hotel. The pizza joint is the absolute best place for a free meal. If the diver can't talk one of the drug-addled employees out of a few slices, then the dumpster will supply what the pimple-faced stoner won't. Remember, the best way to assure a relatively clean and healthy find is to find food in boxes. This keeps flies away and prevents the food from mingling with other foods. Pizza, more often than not, comes in a perfect, sealable box that keeps the pie fresh for at least a day. Who hasn't enjoyed half of a pizza, delivered in said box, and left the remains sealed in the box, the box on the floor amid empty beer cans, and woke the next morning to finish the rest for breakfast? Whoever hasn't has never been a college student.
The best time to "hit" the pizza joint dumpster is right after the lunch rush or at closing time; the latter if one has no problem being awake at such late hours as the establishments usually keep. Normally the dumpster at these times will be full of bags, each bag full of boxes, each box possibly holding a treasure of delicious pizza! Not knowing whether your treasure will be pepperoni, or sausage, or vegetable adds an element of surprise that makes the meal so much better. As for closing-time dives, one will find that often the establishment will box up and throw out one or more fresh, complete, just-cooked pies, which for whatever reason were not consumed or delivered. The juvenile prank of calling in a delivery order to a hated enemy's home comes to mind. And sometimes a customer will refuse a pie because the crust is a little black, or deep-dish instead of the ordered thin crust. In any case, a fresh, delicious meal can be had for the enterprising eater!
Finally, we come to the Hotel. It is better to try the cheaper hotels that do not have a restaurant within them. In these "continental breakfast" hotels, the traveller is reduced to either eating out or, more often ordering in. Can anyone guess the standard hotel fare? If you said pizza, you have the makings of a great dumpster-diver. But pizza isn't the only food available here. Bags of chips, loaves of bread and jars of peanut butter, sealed trays of deli sandwiches, and similar goods are the staples of hotel dumpsters. A traveler on the go will, more often than not, purchase meal-makings at a nearby market or convenience store, and find that the bulk goods sold at said establishments are too much to eat during their stay. As a bonus, each room has its own little trash bag, so the diver will find one great big bag filled with little bags, making the diving process much easier as there is less to sort through at once. Whole or partial boxed cakes and pies, sealed loaves of bread and spreads, rolled-up bags of chips and half-eaten boxes of cookies and crackers- these are the usual finds in the hotel "garbage" bins. Perfect for those who desire a break from pizza!
Now we come to the most important part of diving; safety. Certain foods "turn" quicker than others, and the wise diver knows to be careful with meats, especially poultry. Chicken must be eaten within a day, or salmonella is a serious risk. Pork and beef may be edible after up to two days in mild weather. Of course, a rule of thumb is: if it's moving, leave it be! The same goes for food that has aquired a bit of an odor. But don't worry about it too much if neither of the above is true. Animals start to decompose the second they die, but that doesn't stop one from buying a steak from the market, where it has been decomposing for days already.
So if you are really set on free food, but are a little too proud to beg, try dumpster diving! Not only food but many interesting and useful things can be found; magazines and books, toys and games, clothing, you name it. Remember that ancient saying, "One mans trash is another mans treasure"!