Classification

North-American Killer Slug-Tongue (Arion Causarius Occisio)

Physical Appearance

It is pink. Putrid pink like the insides of your intestines. When it emerges, you can see that it is coated with a thin, viscous layer of clear slime. The tip of it contracts to a rounded point. It puckers like- well you know like what- and then expands in width. A thick, fat, pink chunk.

Overview of Offensive Capabilities

The slime that protects it from becoming too dry also acts as its only weapon. Its attack is based on a simple premise and is highly effective. The premise is this: by creating a sound that is so vulgar, so repulsive and sickening to the hearer that it causes extreme pain and discomfort in the belly, it can cause its prey to end it's own life. It, like it's parent organism, who it lives with in perfect symbiosis, is lazy, and this method of attack suits it very well.

Details of Offense

Attack Behavior and Methodology

Due to its mode of attack, the Slug-Tongue is commonly found in humans that work in offices, book stores and libraries- anywhere where one might find lots of paper. When it is ready to strike, it signals the parent organism, always a human (Homo Sapiens), to draw his or her fingers to the mouth (the home of the Slug-Tongue). The Slug-Tongue relays a message to the human brain that the human "needs" to moisten his or her fingers to help leaf through loose papers or pages of a book. The human then touches the fingers to the slime coating of the Slug-Tongue, which emerges as the fingers are lifted toward the face. The attack comes as the human mouth opens and the Slug-Tongue moves forward. Its slime layer is rather sticky, and as a result, produces a smacking, clicking, suckling sound when the Slug-Tongue is in motion. Likewise, the human mouth and the innermost parts of the lips are generally covered in the slime and produce the sound just as terribly when the mouth opens to release the Slug-Tongue.

Results of Offense

The effects of this attack are devastating. The sound, which is horrific and basically indescribable, has been known to cause heart attacks and strokes when combined with over-exposure to the naturally revolting appearnce of the Slug-Tongue. This can be avoided, however, by simply looking away from the creature. The primary cause of death varies, but is always committed by the victim when the churning discomfort and pulsating pains in the stomach area become too great to bear. Victims have been known to jump out of office windows on high floors, poison themselves with ink by snapping pens in two and drinking the contents and, in extreme cases, beat themselves to death with staplers and tape dispensers. This author narrowly escaped her own suicide by faking a loud, violent fit of throat-clearing which prevented the sound from taking full effect.

How to Protect Yourself

If you suspect that a supervisor, coworker or significant other is host to the Slug-Tongue, start planning immediately. Develop a hacking cough, frequent bathroom habit or case of Tourret's. Have friends call at scheduled times if you know you will have an unavoidable encounter with the Slug-Tongue. Anything that can prevent you from remaining in the creature's presence or from hearing its awful movements could save your life someday.