h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Greebo says...
"There are only 3 types of people in the world. Those who can count, and those who can't."

~grin~

The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thought and
thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal
next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that
means 'woman'?"

The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even
bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."

The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do
you have an eraser?"

Greebo wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, Greebo moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of warm milk, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Greebo was now quite worried now, and moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!"

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.

"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."

Student Greebo shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...

"I would do anything to pass the exam".

She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".

He returns her gaze. "Anything???"

"Oh yes" Greebo said, "anything!"

He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you.....Study?"

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. Looking at the string,
the bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve strings."

"What? That sucks," said the string. So the string walks into the
bathroom and ties himself up and messes up his ends. A couple moments
later he comes back out and approaches the bar again and again orders
a drink.

"Hey, aren't you that string?" asks the bartender.

"Nope. I'm a frayed knot."

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel pushed into his pants,
the barman says to the guy, 'why have you got that shoved down there?', and the dude says, 'I don't really know, but its driving me nuts.

A lion woke up one morning feeling very rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The trembling monkey said, "You are, mighty lion!"

Later, the lion confronted a wildebeest and fiercely bellowed, "Who is
the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

The terrified wildebeest stammered, "Oh great lion, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle!"

On a roll now, the lion swaggered up to an elephant and roared, "Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"

Fast as lightning, the elephant snatched up the lion with his trunk, slammed him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feel like he had been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla, and ambled away.

Upon recovering consciousness, the lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and croaked, "Geez, just because you didn't know the answer, you didn't have to get so pissed off!"

Frog Jokes..

Q: What is a frog's favorite game?
A: Croaket

Q: What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A: French flies and a diet Croak

Q: Why did the frog say meow?
A: He was learning a foreign language.

TEN BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that
time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

An old couple sat on the front porch, rocking. Suddenly, the old woman
picked up her cane and whacked her husband on the shins. When he got over the pain, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied, "Fifty yeas of bad sex!"

In a few minutes, he picked up HIS cane and whacked HER on the shins.

When she stopped crying, she asked, "What was that for?"

He said, "For knowing the difference!"

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night.

He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

He thinks, "Bloody hell what happened last night??"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? Who was I with? Must have been a wild party."

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is, "If there's a god, please let this be a teabag."

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born
baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
in the first place!!"

Please, please put some jokes in an article and link them to:
http://www.h2g2.com/A227440
Please?????????????

Thanks for that Greebo... I don't suppose you're interested in an idea I had about merging our joke collections?
Or are you having too much fun being independant?

What is your idea???

What's my idea? Urm - not very well thought out, really.
But I was thinking, we remain different, but linked. If I advertise your jokes and your e-mail service from my "So Long And Thanks For Laughing" page, as well as any other joke related stuff you do, you'd advertise "So Long And Thanks For Laughing" and put more jokes on it, too. You'd also be listed as one of the people who concieved "So Long And Thanks For Laughing", and when you did your jokes, you'd simply include a link to the directory.
But it's negotiable.