Featuring: Inspector Gasgonnoff Isnoton
Episode Two, Or, another bit added on after the first bit...
While out walking and retracing my steps in a forward direction, I saw in front of me, well! I didn't really have a saw in front of me, tenon or rip, I mean! It's not the sort of thing an inspector in the police force would have on his person, but there in front of me, I saw an half, now! I thought that was strange? Because you don't see many halves on the floor. But silly me! After picking myself up, covered in oil, I now know it was a hole.
Now I know I'm not paranoid, but picking myself up takes some explaining! I'm not that easy or cheap, so I cautioned myself that it was an offence to solicit and told myself to move on. So, walking on and covered in oil from the hole, I now know it was fisshoil (fish hole) which is my dialect for 'Fish and Chip shop'.
But back to the crime at hand, now! With his lordship being dead and taking the Fifth Amendment in refusing to talk, my solving this case was made very hard.
Her ladyship could have read my mind, because she said it was very hard to the gardener. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me! But looking around, I couldn't see who threw it. I could not ascertain the time this happened, for I'd forgot to put my watch one hour forward the day before.
Before I took this case, I'd been reading a book and at the end. The butler did it. So my next task was to interrogate the butler and he wasn't going to fool me by saying he was butlering at the time of the murder — and how did he know it was a murder, if he wasn't there?
My suspicions were growing, and that was odd... I'd planted tulips.
I had to make out a P756/834-9982 requirement requisition form for three pairs of shoes. It is extremely hard trying to question a chauffeur while he is driving the Rolls Royce. The Chief Inspector will not allow me a car after the slight accident I had, he has only another nine months before the body cast is removed (it was his fault, he should have sat at a different table away from the window in the cafe).
Having recorded the words of the chauffeur, I went back to the manor to question the butler. The poor man! He was under the illusion that I was a school teacher; he kept calling me 'Sir'. So not to confuse him further, I gave him some lines and two hours' detention. Now it was the gamekeeper's turn. He said he was with the upstairs maid and as that is where she was, he was cleared as well.
I needed extra information, so I asked forensics what they had come up with. Stabbed 20 times/shot 11 times/poisoned/tyre marks on his torso and his head found 2ft away from the body, with feet missing. So I deduced that that ruled out suicide and that he fought with his murderer, because he could not run away, not having both feet. I now narrowed down my suspects to one!
The only one who knew all the details and where everyone was, so he could move about without being seen and that again, led me to me. So having retraced my steps, I knew that if I questioned myself enough, I would crack and the crime would be solved. So again, I arrested myself, but this time I would not grant me bail, in case I made a run for it.
I had to prove my innocence somehow.... It is not over yet....