Haggis is a traditional Scottish dish comprising the following ingredients:

Ingredients

• 1 sheep's stomach (thoroughly cleaned)
• 1 sheep's liver
• 1 sheep's heart
• 1 sheep's lung
• 1lb beef suet
• 1 large onion
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 tablespoon black pepper
• 1lb oatmeal

Method

A recipe for ten hungry Scots.

1. Trim heart, liver, and lung and place in a large pot with 1 cup of water. Bring mixture to boil then simmer for one-and-a-half hours then leave to cool for about 20 minutes.

2. Cut out any grisly part of the lung and put this with the liver, heart and raw beef suet through a meat grinder.

3. Mix up all the ground meat in a big pot, throw in the chopped up onion and season to taste.

4. Toast oatmeal lightly in heavy bottomed pan and add this to your mixture.

5. You should now have a thick gooey mess. Stuff this into the sheep's stomach until about 3/4 full and then seal.

6. Prick stomach¹.

7. Fill pot with 1 gallon of water and bring to the boil. When boiling add the haggis and boil gently for 4 - 5 hours.

8. Leave to cool.

9. Address the haggis (see below) and serve with neeps and tatties².

10. Eat and then belch loudly or throw up.

The Address

Penned by Robert Burns and traditionally spoken before cutting into the cooked haggis.

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.

The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hurdies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut ye up wi' ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich!

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethankit!' hums.

Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad make her spew
Wi' perfect sconner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As feckless as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Thro' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whissle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned
Like taps o' thrissle.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware,
That jaups in luggies;
But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

Haggis Folklore

This small furry mammal is indigenous to the Northern Reaches of Scotland, known as the 'Highlands and Islands'.

As a result of the native tribes' predilection for hitting anything that moves, these likeable little creatures had been hunted to the point of extinction by roughly 100-50BC. Nowadays, tourists enquiring after the Haggis find the local Scot smiling wryly. 'Och, he'll be runnin' aroun' the mountain.'

As a result of the Haggis' escaping the hunter's club, it has developed the unlikely ability to run very quickly around the circumference of any mountain or hill. Over the centuries, the few Haggis that remain have evolved limbs of differing length in order to better facilitate their rapid escape around the steep slopes.

Sadly, since its left legs are longer than the legs on the right hand side of its body, the Haggis is somewhat handicapped in that it can only escape in a clockwise direction. Many a canny Scots hunter has foiled the Haggis' speedy escape by surprising it from an anti-clockwise approach.

A cooked Haggis is a rare treat indeed, but due to the rarity of the livestock, one which few visitors to Scotland can ever fully appreciate.