Pod people like me because I feed oranges to them and then show them the way to the ladies toilets.



Lollipops look like horses from a distance because of the spines and real horses don't like them if they smell.

Square peanuts are fun to throw and they don't even mind.

Nevermind the Buzzcocks because they'll never mind you, even if you plug them in.

Alcohol rolls away if you don’t tie mice to it and even then the monkeys will complain so what can you do? NO BOTTLES!!!

Bat droppings make good lunchboxes if you ask them nicely but never try to turn them inside out or you’ll get a nice surprise.

If you ask me, I won’t tell you but I might give you a clue as to how to find your feet. They’re over there!!!!!!!.

Forget what you just said or I’ll get jealous and start to cry.

Logs can’t fight back so don’t tell the teacher or she’ll shrink to the size of an eight-horned unicorn.

If I said you had a beautiful apple would you sit on my neck?

I wouldn’t like to eat three meals a day because I’m scared of fish. They nibble.

Lot’s of people say I look like my reflection but I don’t see the resemblance.

Spinach and Ricotta cheese pasties may look nice but just you try to sit on them and you’ll see just how much money you can make out of dairy products.

Encyclopaedias are nice for a visit but I wouldn’t want to live there and neither would you if met the chief chicken.

Photocopy your eyes for a laugh but don’t blame me if you end up with a huge electricity bill and not much left in your house.

Footballs don’t roll uphill unless you say please and even then you’ll get too dizzy to sit down.

Plug sockets are the best fun you can have with your clothes on. They’re also the best fun you can have with you’re clothes painted four shades of green and yellow.

How many CDs can you fit up your fingernails?

Academic principles are all well and good if you can afford the jam and pickles.

Hell hath no fury like a donkey that’s been dragged through a hedge forward, never mind backwards.

You used to be able to jump over whatever you wanted without people asking questions, but not now, oh no.

I love Clingfilm, but only at the weekends. Wee. That’s a good word isn’t it? I wouldn’t know.

Hey, you, over there, big fat bum and curly hair. Women like to fall over quite a lot but they can’t stand it when they hit the ground can they?

There’s no more melon, or cheese, or sodium chloride.

I wouldn’t want to be a tree because of all the dogs being naughty around your lower orifices.

Five blue camels, hopping on the car. In the car! Under the car! Oh my God! They’re coming to show me some pictures! No.

I can understand why hermits want to be alone in the mountains because I used to be one (a mountain that is, not a hermit). They smell too much of fruit.

How do you do Mr. Carrot?!? I’m fine but I’m not me or you today. To the moon and back out to KwikSave for some frozen peas.

I’ve got a sore head. No. No. OK then. Try jumping up a drainpipe. It’s really boring.

Go away little girl! Now there’s something you don’t see every day! I do. Ha. No. Shut up. I don’t like the way you’re looking at the gnomes.

Help, I’m stuck between my dog and I haven’t even got one.

Monkey, monkey, monkey! Please come and rearrange my best china or I’ll turn you around. You haven’t got a truck.

Old people are all on my side because I set them free for a living.

Not so much gravy as a bucket of orange grapes, really.
Maybe I should think of returning all those library books to the milkman before he starts jumping on my head.

Purgatory for apes. What a great idea! I’m not very dolphin friendly because seals brought me up.

It isn’t what you do, it’s what your elbows say to you.
Pop off to sardine land while I hold the fort on my spoon.
Pool your resources and charge 50p-entrance fee.

For god’s sake, will someone tell that damn rug to fold itself up, I could use a kettle.

I’ve only just found out what tables are for. Isn’t it funny how you can never find a journalist when you need one and then forty women come along and prod your nose.

I wouldn’t say it’s unpleasant though, or they’ll come and show you their etchings.

I’m a cat, and I live in Newhampstead. There’s lot’s of old people there who give me candied ferrets.

Underneath the goat you’ll find the question to all your answers that will show you how to lift goats up properly.

All the cows and chickens and un-candied ferrets come to see me at night when I’m behind the curtain.

Where, oh where have my booties gone? Mice. No. Whatever.

Seventy-five fishermen, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-F.

The beautiful people are quite ugly when naked. Not that they ever wear clothes of course.
Don’t.

A message in a bottle of cat’s tails that’s a bit soggy now so don’t force it down.

Up the alley, down the toilet, that’s the way it doesn’t go if I can help it. Forget what I just said if you’re one of those people who can’t remember to forget much. Yes, for once.

The cats out of the bag so put it in the fridge if you don’t want it to go off. Take this bag off my hand so I can see well enough to tie it up at the long and pointy end.

If you say that one more time I’ll come over there and show you what reverse psychology really means and that’s no walks in the park you little ground-hopper.

Shape-shift your car into a soft-shelled trigonometry that no one understands or even wants to think about it.

Does anyone ever realise that they aren’t standing up? If they do then they don’t do anything about it because I don’t see no floor. Or do I? No.

Perhaps I could just ask them for some nice fruit to last me through until June. They would probably say yes. That’s the problem with fish these days, no respect for their shopping trolleys, that’s what I always say. Well, quite often at least.

Remember the good old Swedes? Noble gases really get my toaster. Now I need another new one.

All the otters are in my face and I can’t get them to sing for their suppers. Gypsies, tramps and turnips. We here it from the people of the cheese.

The man in the moon just fell out. Now the whole world apart from Canada can see his herb garden.

I’m hoary, hoary, hoary, for god’s sake someone tell me where to find that silly little man with all the eggs. On the other hand I could always tell him I’m from over there so he wouldn’t think I’m a box of chips, ripe for the dipping in petrol and being sold to small Americans.

Have you got the time? Give it back! It’s mine! Bye bye, I’ve got to go and prune the sieves.

Spool off your head to a brush salesman until there’s none left and you feel sad. Sort it out so that you can’t smell the bread for the red.

No. To the roof, Mr. Nog! The swarms of lamas are in the outhouse, just waiting for you to ask them for a warning. They will, you know.

Paint the town colour blind so they’ll all thank you for making them jump over sheep, whilst the fences counted.

Fix your banana to the back of your front until there’s no distance in between.

I don’t know about you but I could sure do with a game of chase your neighbour up the passage right now.

All the kumquats in the world could have been yours if only you’d have listened to the small people hiding in the shower cap.

It’s hard to know what to do when they tell you to throw a herd of gazelle over to the helm without saying “Simon says” first.

The papers say that I’m alive but don’t believe them because they hide my shoes.

What in god’s name do you think you’re doing looking at the gnomes like that? They’re people to you know! Well, I think they’re very kind anyway. Maybe you just don’t feed them their hens often enough. I’d certainly like to see you try. Except that I can’t use my eyes anymore because the elves would sing up the tap until I told them to go back to their own little pigeons.

Sometimes I wish that all the little frogs would just top themselves and get it over with. They really annoy me when they won’t tell me their secrets.

Rabbits are one of the worst sources of calcium in the world so don’t give up your day job, you over-furnished foot wiper.

Sometimes I’d just like to rip out your horoscope and use it as a decongestant for my gerbil.

At least I’ve got one you exasperated melon. Many, many, many horses sniffed to bring you that weasel you know. Don’t smell it so much, if you please. Just leave the gnomes alone if you don’t want me to read you a story from the bible!

Corpses of living people aren’t too hard to find really, you just have to kill them first. Just because you can’t talk to them it doesn’t mean they want to listen to the endless dribble of your imagination. I know what you did last Tuesday when you went to the butchers. The butcher told me himself when I untied him and stole his cheese.

Return to your future that hasn’t been written yet when you get back from the world of the over-worked pigeons.

If you tell me what I want to say I’ll make you listen until I know.

Right between the shrubs and the headphone sockets comes the way to the bunnies. One such idiot came to my shed the other day. I wasn’t there so I don’t know if I’m telling the truth or not.

Under the pie tree you’ll find a pie if you pop it into the fridge for a few minutes first. To find me, you have to want to see all of the seven kinds of road. From asphalt, to blue and white stripes. Over the telephone box and far away, Teletubbies come in white coats to take me away! Up on the roof my friends come to see me in my tree and I tell them to go away because I need to rearrange my gate so that the horse is on top.

Poo on the camel and it’ll spit in your eye and expect payment in graffiti. The squirrel god haunts me in the basement because I didn’t feed him his grapefruit.

Old McDonald had a plant and he sat on it all day until he got a headache. Like me.

Because I’ve got a headache. I need some frozen peas, right here, right now. No.

Perhaps if you feed me some frog vomit I’ll shut up and get on with my study of cats.

Just when you think it’s safe to go back in the bathroom, a rather large hairball zooms past at radiator height and you decide to leave it for another few minutes until after you’ve got the kettle from Mr. Fridge.

All the cows in the world come and show me their slides. No. All over the world, people are telling me they’re in the exact same position as me, which is impossible because I’m the only person in the world with four chairs that are more than fourteen bugles across the great blue sea.

Possibly the reason to tell me you’re a sore baboon is that you really are one so I feel sorry for you now. No. Go away before I tell how much I like the sound of yogurt in the morning.

The best conductor in the world isn’t me because I crawl around in insects for a living.

Lots of horses are bad for you but there are a select few that will serve as a vitamin supplement until you get home and do the ironing.

On the other hand, nobody’s forcing you so you definitely will.

The fringe benefits of purchasing my fish are quite in-expensive to the average joculator.

My ankle is the size of a tennis court at the moment so don’t talk to the parrots.

At the beginning of time there was a big noise that started everything but no one actually knows what it was because they were all in the kitchen making good use of the microwave. Which at that point was a cross between a camel and an electric storage heater so no one did.

Of all the cucumbers in the world, you had to choose the least green, didn’t you? It’s bad enough that you don’t like cheese balls like the rest of the family. Not far from the fridge is the home you’ve always hated but you do eat breakfast, don’t you?

Joking aside, have you ever heard the on about the woman who always sat on the cooker? No? Well neither have I so go away and no more looking at the elves for you my smelly little robot.

It’ll be a clip ‘round the plug socket for you and your friends if you don’t stop acting your age.

You can’t keep on changing your story forever you know! One day all those toilets will catch up with you and tell you the time of your life at a time before you were born or could even use a watch. That’s a good one, isn’t it? What time are you looking at you’re watch today? I need to know because I have to come along and bear witness to the birth of my great, great, great grandmother so that I can say I’ve lived, which I could do now if I could back it up with evidence.

School is exactly the wrong place to be. Yes. Pool cleaners unite and smell the coffee in the morning before the woman makes it so you can look her in the eye and tell her that you take two sugars.

It’s a very graphic presentation of an old classic with eggs, yogurt, grated wahooni and extra anchovies and I give it six thumbs up just to please the gardener, unlike some people I could mention.

If you want to stay in the same position then call your librarian a sheep. Then duck. It might bleat at you.

Go and wear your leather somewhere else because I don’t like you, but I could be persuaded to kick your nose a few times. That would be the most fun I’d ever had in the space of a few seconds and a big green box.

Books can kill if you don’t watch out for the lawyers all over the road. They bite.

Up and under all the tables ‘till you reach the floor and you can’t see the black coated whore any more. That would nearly rhyme if I weren’t so annoyed with it.

Of all the rugs in the world, you had to go and squat on mine, didn’t you? No? YES YOU DID YOU LITTLE WEEVLE!

Say the last before you’ve started then tear my head in half because I can’t hear a word you’re saying. You’d just have to look at your watch five seconds ago. You know what I mean. No.

Or rather you do and you don’t care enough to be before the ever moving now and close down the frogs. Run off to your own little world and shut the door so I don’t have to follow you for once. No. Not a lot of people know that.

You’re not one of them. Look out, look out wherever you are, I’m coming to tell you. No. Joke around if you like but I won’t be here when you get back from here. I’ll be over looking at the elves in your place so you’ll have to go and chew the cud with some other baskets.

Off your trolley’s the way to buy frying pans.

I thought everyone knew that but obviously it’s just me, the elves, and a pig shopping expedition.

Green jobs. Purple goats. That’s not. Very good. For you.

Happy hour eats wellingtons for breakfast, lunch and Easter until the pig driver spoils his greens. For apples’ sake, I just want my horrible catfish if you please my dear organ grinder of the window.

I, don’t, know your, orange hen. So, what, let’s go now. Slow, slow, quick, quick, not slow at all if you feel like a tortoise, go and sit in the chips.

My nipples explode with the delight of Monty and Spain.

Squirrel paste and Delilah up the tree.

Pour over the yogurt machine person with the face, give the dog a bone, and tell him to eat it. He will die. Kill him again and then add a cup of paste. Cook until frozen.

Mostly it will be nice but the cow knows how many times you have to be legal before you can get arrested. Stop speaking with your mouth and I’ll give you a microchip with water in it from my brain where it has been living in Neighbours.

If that catfish stares at my button one more time I’ll poo on its head and tell it to hop for the first time in six years. Which it will not like! Not much of a head if you ask me, which you don’t, because you’re purple. Head for the hills. The lucky hills.

Very slowly, put down that eel and fraternize with the pond. If you don’t post the turnips they’ll laugh at your attempts rejuvenate your camel with a small orange.

Perhaps you could just hold this fridge for a second while I run away. Lean on someone else when you’re not strong, I don’t like it.

It hurts when the green ones twist the shed for fun and grapefruit. You wouldn’t catch me down there by the plant pots because I'm too big and heavy.

That's a tortoise you’ve got there isn’t it? No. Not that there’s much point in impaling fish on cardboard anywhere from here to the garage. But you’d know that if you didn’t spend so much time falling on the light fittings and all associated friends of the turkey man.

The printer’s delayed buzzing gets on the fly’s dinner and I don’t even know if I really want to go to the walls for supper. I always do though, it’s in my nature walk.

Always take a diving board if you want a good time and a splash of toilet paper.

Eggs in cups should be shot on sight just because they don’t understand the more complex principles of gardening in Huddersfield.