h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The Lion and Albert - from memory so apologies to the author...
(written by Marriott Edgar, popularised by Stanley Holloway)

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool
As is noted for fresh air and fun
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad were young Albert
All dressed in his best, quite a swell
With his stick with the horse's head handle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell

Well they didn't think much to the ocean
The waves they was fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded
In fact, nowt to laugh at, at all.

So seeking for further amusement
They paid and went in to the zoo
Where there was lions and tigers and camels
Ay, and old ale and sandwiches too.

There was one great big lion called Wallace
Whose face were all covered in scars
He lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had hear about lions
How they was ferocious and wild
And to see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child

So straightway the brave little fella
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took his stock with the horse's head handle
And pushed it in Wallace's ear

Now you could see that lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside t'cage with him
And swallowed the little lad whole

Now Pa who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said, 'Mother, Yon lion's 'et Albert'
And Mother says, 'Ee, I am vexed'.

They called for the animal keeper
Who said 'What a nasty mishap'
Are you sure that it's your son he's eaten?'
Pa said, 'Am I sure, there's 'is cap!'

The manager had to be sent for
He came and he said what's to do.
Said Mother, Yon lion's 'et Albert
And 'im in Sunday clothes too.

The manager wanted no trouble
and took out his purse right away
He said 'How much to settle this matter?'
And Pa said 'Well, what do you usually pay?'

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
No, No somebody's got to be summonsed
So that was decided upon

The magistrate gave his opinion
that no-one was really to blame
And he hoped Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Would have further sons to their name

At this Mother got proper blazin'
'And thank you Sir kindly', said she.
'What spend all our lives raising children
To feed your ruddy lions? Huh, Not me!'

Ah, t'was reet grand reading that again

Ee lad, tha's a good 'un