IPR Presents: Should the Bitesize GCSE Revision be easier to swallow?, or...
Created | Updated Apr 8, 2004
IPR Presents: The man who invented the reusable
paper clip
Rarely in modern bordcasting does one find a willing subject
who will discuss the bad old days without some sort of vetting process,
to see if we are tabloid reporters or investigative expose writers or novelists
looking to make a quick buck off a stale titbid from the past of the great, near-great,
and the almost-forgotten-but-not-quite-yet-dead...
Anyway, we told them that we were College Adult Education Extension Course
Students who were selling glasses perscriptions to make our way through
Night School. She took pity on us, bought fourteen pair of tiger-striped horn-
rimmed frames and promised to be on our College radio show.
We haven't yet told her the truth, that neither of us have ever been nearer to
a college than the dust bin mews, that glasses frames are made of PVC, and we are
getting paid for this show...
No, you're not. The lawyers say you can't
Oh.
They also say that if you pull that again, you will
be looking for other work.
Ah. Is that the way it is. Would you like this frail creature to get a look
inside your personal effects locker on her way out?
Errr, now that you mention it... No. Carry on.
Now, Missus...
It's Miss, please.
You were never married?
Well, yes, if it's any of your business, but I've since reinvented myself.
Ah.
Yes, I was a Proto-Feminist once upon a time. I thought that the best way to change men
was one at a time.
Ah?
Then I changed my mind, got a couple of divorces, and bought a men's sport team.
Uh?
Changed the uniforms, got them all nice haircuts, taught them manners
and gave the control of their salaries to their wives or mothers or sisters. That made
a difference right off the bat.
I should say it would. Did they win?
In the end, everybody won.
No, I mean, the team. Did they win?
Win what?
Any games!
Oh, that. Yes, I suppose they did.
Um, what sort of team was it?
Portugese Lacrosse, or something like that...
I've never heard of it.
I don't suppose you would have. This was many many years ago, before
one of the wars. All the teams went off to fight and after the war, few came back.
A lost art, that. All those poor young women... Well, relatively speaking... Making their
way without the fellows they were taking care of, guiding through the world...
But at least the sons and daughters were better off.
So, they all had children?
Well, yes, that was part of the contract.
What?
What was the use of becoming a new man if you didn't have any little ones to
influence? I had trouble with some of the homosexuals, but we worked it out.
What?
Oh? You didn't know there were homosexuals in sport back then?
Well, not in so many words...
Well, I know all the words. History has wiped up so much of the mess that
people, simple people don't like to think about. But the stains are still there, under
the new carpet. And some of those stains are mine.
Soooo, you have some dirty laundry?
Well, it's a bit rotten by now. But, yes, I did some things I wasn't proud of then,
but I'm damn glad I did now.
So, you are...
A shameless old broad? Not hardly. Just realistic.
So, where did the money come from that allowed you to buy a sports team?
Ah. A patent, I think.
Whose?
My father's. He invented the reusable paper clip.
What?
You've never heard of it?
I've heard of the paper clip. But the "reusable" one?
You use your's only once?
Well, no, but...
Then who ever made your paper clips is probably paying a royalty to my family
Uh.
Didn't know that, didja?
Um. No.
