h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Down in the hull you descend until you come across a door with Japanese writing on it. You knock once. No answer. You knock again. Still nothing. You pound the door with your fist and demand that Raine open the bloody door if she wants her f*****g cigarettes.
Finally there is a click and you turn the doorknob. The door creaks open and you prepare yourself for sickness....
"You alright, mate?" Raine asks as you step into her cabin.
Instead of martial arts weapons displayed within a dark room you find a dark room where the walls are decorated with charts, movie posters, anime posters, and cartoon/comic posters. A laundry bin stands nearby and it is half full of clothing. The bed is unmade with black sheets and a blue blanket covered in cat hair and two cats. A bookshelf staggers under the weight of roughly a hundred and fifty books, most of them graphic novels and a second bookcase is dedicated to the creations of a certain Douglas Adams. However, the last shelf does have the entire Harry Potter series up to book six, but a space remains for #7. The chest at the foot of the bed is closed and a framed photograph stands atop it. You see Raine with a woman, holding hands and...wait, were they at a wet t-shirt contest? Because you can almost clearly see the other girl's...
"Jug of wine?" Raine offers, but you decline. Could she have poisoned it? I mean, this is the ship ninja! Killing is her thing, man!
A shout from somewhere catches Raine's attention and she becomes very solemn. She ushers you out and shuts the door. A moment later you think you see a shadow pass by, but you disregard it. You still clutch the package of cigarettes in your hand so you knock on the door again, which opens on its own.
A note on the bed is half-obscured by the very fluffy cats. You pick it up and it reads:

Make yourself at home. I should be back later. Or just leave the smokes on the bed. The cats should leave them alone. There is pop and beer in the fridge. Or if you prefer you can put the kettle on and make some tea or ramen. In fact, make some ramen anyway. I'll probably be hungry when I get back.
Oh. And don't go in the closet. Never go in the closet. You shouldn't look under the bed either. Nope. Don't do that.
!
-Raine (the ship ninja)

*walks in and sits on the bed*

hello, ship's beast at your service

*trudges in after a long night of doing bad things to bad people and bad seafood doing bad things to her*

Hello hello! What's this? A ship beast?

Ships breast?!?!? Where? Where?

...

..Oh sorry I see, my mistake

Ah! We've got a small group so far!
*pours some crisps, chex mix, and dip into bowls before tapping a keg*
Shall we party then?

yea! *clicks fingers and party music starts*

*takes a drink and some dips and settles down into a seat*

Did the party die?

It must be cos there are no balloons. You gotta have balloons...

*makes balloon animals*

are you crazy!? parties never die! you can always get them back!!

[Scarecrow Stan, mysterious traveling merchant man]:
*Knocks on the door.*
He is a tall and gangly man with scraggly hair and wears a tattered black cape. There is also a raven on his shoulder instead of a parrot.

"Hello, hello... might I interest you in some fine cutlery perhaps?"
*Unfurls his cape to reveal a suitcase that is laden with stuff*

[Qwi]: (This is the name of Stan's rude (occasionally bawdy) raven) : "Buy! Sell! Barter,- It's Stan's idea of a conversation _starter!"

[Stan]: "Oy, you shut up Qwi!"

I don't need any cutlery at the moment. Got any albatross?

^_^;
"Do you mean -living, or um, precooked?"
Eh-heheh...

*Whips out some albatross catchers.*
"I can offer up to you this very nice netball-gun _if you want. the shot is specially made, and is actually a type of weighted net on a retractable tether. Will that do?"

*However, upon noticing that it is a party going on, Stan does not wish to thus intrude. After shifting his cape so that it is once again over both shoulders, he leaves behind him a little flyer about The Tiki Trader on his way out.*

Come back, mate! Enjoy the party! Jinnentonicks, anyone?

[Stan]: "Well if you insist... then,- okay (I guess)."
*Marks down the price to said netball gun a little when he hopes that nobody else will notice*

*Siad or no[t]*

[Scarecrow Stan]: "I also have this large-headed and easily usable, shorthandled mallet for throwing to take-down typos. See?"
*Shows her*

Mate, this is no time for a sales pitch.
Now put your clothes back on and enjoy this party!

[Scarecrow Stan]: *Is not sure what she means, but then freaks out when he does notice, he freaks out*
"Clothes? What do you-"

*It seems that as he was getting carried away with the art-of-the-deal, someone had gone and sliced into Stan's suspenders*
"Er, does anyone happen to have a belt I could borrow?"
*Drops the hammer onto a table*

/ "I will trade that-hammer,_for a belt."