IPR presents: The Man Who Invented Roof Paste
Created | Updated Mar 18, 2004
The man who invented Roof Paste
Time immememorable has filled the pages of history with many a space
were a picture was torn out... to be pasted in the copybook of ... What was his name?
Wasn't he a Greek fellow who wrote telegrams in Latin on the Island of Lesbos?
Or was that Patmos?
Anyway. Time is not our friend and history was written by someone named Victor
while his sister, Faith... Oh, Fate! Um, while his sister Fate... What a name.
did something on the distaff side and created the bass clef so that the oboe
would not feel... I can't read this. It's smudged.
Wing it? I don't know anything about Oboes! No, I don't! And leave my mother out
of this. She doesn't know anything about Oboes, either, despite that photo that's
been going round the tabloids. You ever heard of Photoshop?
What? It wasn't around in 1948? Oh, then it must be true. She lied to me.
This evening we would like to bring you an interview with the inventor...
And originator!
What?
I didn't just invent it, I originated it!
Eh. Okay.
Look. It really means something different, Inventing and originating.
You pulled it out of thin air?
What?
The constituent elements of your product were not found on this plane,
planet before you created them?
I...
The elements that lead to your idea did not exist before you stretched forth
your guiding hand and dragged the whole kit and kaboodle kicking and screaming
into our reality?
Well, no...
I mean, isn't it enough that you lot get to goof around playing with things, naming them,
marketing them, getting your name and face plastered all over the world and a few shiny tins,
and then set back and count the moolah while the rest of us have to sit in the shadow of
of your preeminent genius and feel small, very small, tiny.... really tiny....
Um. What are you doing with that magnifying glass?
Looking for myself.
Um. Look. Ah. Do you need a glass of water? An aspirin? A feather burned under
your nose?
Are you condescending to talk down to me?
Well, no. I've got a small bungalow in the Hamptons, but it's a fixer-upper...
Oh, really. What sort of lawn mower do you use?
I've got some Angora cats that ....
Oh, is that right. My mother used paint Avon decanters with an Angora brush.
Oh, really?
Yes. And they were quite expensive.
The hand-painted decanters?
No, the brushes. You had to be very careful about static, or the paint wouldn't
adhere to the glass during a full moon.
Valium? Lithium? A small brandy?
Ah, no, I'll have a harf an harf.
Ah.
Harf WD40 and harf 10w30... Castol, if you please...
Waiter! Cheque please!
Actually, no, it's more of a tartan. Campbell, I think... Or maybe Hunts, you know,
like the food?
Is there the slightest chance of getting some help in here?
Ah. The cleaning staff is in Monaco this week. Something about an elephant
and ocelot and a stage show. The carpet was hand-weaved by virgins during the last half hour
before the Boers were kicked out of Spain, sometime during 1942... I think.
Help! Please, somebody help!
What are you doing?
I'm beating my head against the floor in Morse Code.
Oh, you're not doing it right. Here, let me show you.
WHACK, THUD, WHACK, WHACK, WHOMP...
Ah, that's done it.
ohhhhh... ohhhh... thud
Now, where was I. Ah. Not only am I the inventor and originator of Roof Paste
the only patented method of making your neighbors ignore your yard and look up....
Ohhhh.... Mummy? I'm ready for my bathy-bath...
Morse code?
Ahhh... Right.... THUD, THUDDY, THUD, THOMP...splet
Good boy...
