How to Avoid Being Unwell

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Humans are fragile things. For the most part we can be quite resilient, however, there is an increasing propensity for becoming unwell. Diseases, in many different forms (for example: germs/bacteria/viruses/parasites), attack our bodies from the inside out (or the outside in, dependant on their wants and needs) and casually eat bits out of us, or off us. Sometimes just little bits (cells/plasma/nerve endings), other times larger bits (arms/legs/lungs/genitalia), causing us to become quite ill. So how do you prevent sickness?
The following 10 Steps To Health and Harmony should assist you.

  • Step 1: Don't Breathe Outside Air smiley - yawn

    The very air we breathe is full of contaminants and pollution that can cause illness. Try to avert respiration. Obtain portable air tanks from your local diving club. It may be a weight to bear, but isn't your Health what's important?
    WARNING; Photosynthesis is NOT an option.

  • Step 2: Don't Drink Water smiley - cheers

    Water can carry all manner of nasty diseases and creatures that like to use your body as:

    1. a nest
    2. a meal
    3. symbiosis

    Therefore it is advisable to avoid imbuing H20. Other forms of re-hydration are available at cornershops/supermarkets and other people's refridgerators1.

  • Step 3: Avoid Certain Foods smiley - footinmouth

    As with Water, Foods can also harbour a variety of terrifying bugs, creepy-crawlies and additives harmful to your health. The Five Food Groups to Avoid are as follows:

    1. Seafood
    2. Chicken
    3. Kebabs
    4. E - Numbers
    5. Rodentia

    Eating any one of these will invariably result in nausea/vomiting/diarrhoea2.

  • Step 4: Avoid Alcohol smiley - ale

    Too much of a good thing can really upset your bodies equilibrium causing headaches/vomiting/speech impediments and lack of motor control. Adding vast amounts of alcohol to your body can also lead to other forms of becoming ill3.

  • Step 5: Don't Wash smiley - towel

    Washing removes layers of epidermis and dirt that can prevent bacteria from invading the body. A downside to this is that other humans will tend to stay away due to your appearance and smell4.

  • Step 6: Avoid Contact with Other Humans/Animals smiley - hug

    Other humans and creatures are infested with disease. Both harmful and disgusting. The best form of defence is to STAY AWAY. This means strictly:

    1. No Touching
    2. No Kissing
    3. No Sporting Activities, especially Netball.

  • Step 7: Avoid Sex smiley - smooch

    If you have failed to carry out Step 6, then you may find yourself on the brink of sexual intercourse. Humans and Dolphins perform this act both as a leisure activity and for procreation.

    Not following the proper rules and regulations can lead to sicknesses of varying degree5.

  • Step 8: Avoid Bathrooms/Toilets smiley - cheerup

    Effluence can contain many harmful forms of bacteria. It is best to prevent exposure by avoiding all bathrooms and toilets, especially those within public establishments. However, when it is necessary to 'go', it is simpler to carry your own 'potty'. At least you know where YOU'VE been.

  • Step 9: Avoid Hospital smiley - injuredsmiley - nurse

    Full of sick people. Enough said.

  • Step 10: Don't Travel smiley - bus

    Travelling can be split into two subcategories:

    1. Transport; Generally full of other humans, who in turn are full of germs. Be it Bus/Train/Taxi/Boat/Aircraft or Bicycle, you are sure to arrive at your destination carrying something else other than your suitcase.
    2. Other Countries; Different people, different germs. A recipe for disaster. STAY AT HOME

If you follow the above simple steps you should lead a full and healthy existence free of all sickness. However, bear in mind that you will never:

Go on holiday, wash up to go out for a meal followed by a few alcoholic drinks at a public establishment, where you will be intimate with an attractive man/woman/animal in said establishment's bathroom, then fall down, break a limb and have to stay in Hospital for a couple of weeks.

Your Body. Your Risks. Stay Healthy.


11.03.04 Front Page

Back Issue Page

1See Step 4.2Sometimes known as Bali Belly or Montezuma's Revenge see Step 10. subcategory 2.3
See Steps 6, 7, 8 and 9.
4Hermits are known to be unusually healthy.5NB: In all seriousness Practice Safe Sex.

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