Basic Reading

The first thing you must know in order to read is the ALPHABET, which is pronounced AHL-FA-BETT, and spelled A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T. The alphabet is a pretty recent invention, and it has quite alot of uses. No, it cannot do your homework for you, but it could help you do it. Honestly, I don't think there is a way to do homework without the aid of the Handy-Dandy Alphabet.

The Alphabet

Anyway, the alphabet comes in many different versions, and I don't feel like naming them all because it is impossible, and doing impossible things tends to tire one, if not kill them. The one which I will teach you is called the English alphabet. English is pronounced ING-LISH, and spelled E-N-G-L-I-S-H. This may seem confusing at first and maybe at last, but trust me, chances are it'll make some sort of sense some day. The English Alphabet consists of twenty-six symbols, called LETTERS. These letters are not to be confused with the other kind of letters, spelled L-E-T-T-E-R-S, which are the things that are constantly moving about from mailbox to mailbox and sometimes contain the first kind of letters. Letters are what the alphabet consists of, and you can spell LETTERS in about 52 different ways. WORDS, which are composed of letters, also consist of letters but are very different from the alphabet, though, at times, it may even consist of parts of the alphabet; and SENTENCES, which is a very slightly large word, are groups of words that at most times contain letters, or maybe even some of the alphabet. You will learn more about that later. Now, there are about twenty-six twenty-sixths of the alphabet, which letters are. Each letter is different from the last, the first and the ones in-between excluding itself³. Confused yet? I am. Well, the twenty six different letters are as follows:

Here Be Letters

A, pronounced AY, and spelled A, sometimes spelled a.

B, pr. BEE, sp. B or b.

C, SEA, C or c.⁴

D, DEE, D / d.

E, EE, E / e.

F, EFF, F / f.

G, JEE, G / g.

H, AICH, H / h.

I, EYE, I / i.

J, JAY, J / j.

K, KAY, K / k.

L, ELL, L / l.

M, EMM, M / m.

N, ENN, N / n.

O, OH, O / o.

P, ...PEE, P / p.

Q, KYOO, Q / q.

R, ARE, R / r.

S, ESS, S / s.

T, TEA, T / t.

U, YOU, U / u.

V, VEE, V / v.

W, DOUBLE-YOU, W / w.

X, ECKS, X / x.

Y, WHY, Y / y.

and finally,

Z, ZED, Z / z.

There. Isn't it simple? I know, not really. But the amazing thing is, is that all the words which are spoken or spelled⁵ in the English language and many others, are made up of these twenty-six letters!

Now, you may ask how so many people manage to talk using so many words, which are made up of so many letters, if there are only TWENTY-SIX of them! You see, one of the most peculiar things about letters are that they don't really exist, but they are used to indicate things that, at most times, do. It is just one of those funny inventions that everyone needs, but doesnt know what to do with. Actually, letters are not like things that exist in two very important ways: A⁶) they do not; and B)There are many of them, even though there are only twenty-six of them. You see, every time you use a letter, it almost does something like create an imaginary copy of the letter, which you could use in a word or maybe a sentence and exchange with other people for future use.

Words

Now, I will tell you the next step to reading, which is step two, WORDS. The word WORDS is pronounced WERDZ, and is spelled in an almost and most probably infinite amount of ways. Words, as said before, consists of letters, which are parts of the alphabet. Words are what most people use to speak, and words are generally what people spell, for the most part. The term SPELL that I use, is what one does to words and letters, and sometimes sentences, on pieces of paper, or other surfaces, such as bathroom stall doors and computer screens. It is not to be confused with the word SPELL, which is spelled S-P-E-L-L, and is what witches do, and sometimes people who play RPG's and card games. RPG is not an actual WORD, it is an ACRONYM⁷, which is a group of letters which are used to indicate a group of words, by taking the first letter of each word and putting it in respective order in the acronym. RPG is an ACRONYM for Role-Playing-Game, which is a type of game many people usually play. Card Games are like RPGs in the fact that they are a game that many people usually play, though Card Games is not an acronym, but a group of words.

SPEAK is what happens when sounds decide to come out of one's mouth, usually in the form of words and sentences. There are other types of sounds that can come out of one's mouth, such as screams, which usually occur in times of great pain or pleasure. Those are unintelligible, which is a very big word that means unable to be interpreted into anything worth interpreting. SPEAKing usually occurs when one wants to communicate to others in a means other than instant messaging or emails.⁸ In some cases, people speak to themselves, which usually is a sign of mental problems, confusedness, old age, or just plain boredom⁹. Many people consider it rude to speak to yourself in public, but if you are old, you tend not to care. Many people, mostly in social settings, consider it rude not to talk to other people, which confuses me because if you do not talk to someone, it is usually because you do not like them.¹⁰

Sentences

The last step to reading, excluding the next step, is SENTENCE. SENTENCE is a large word that means a group of words. Mind not to get SENTENCE confused with PHRASE, which is also a group of words. PHRASES are groups of words that are usually not whole sentences. Card Games is a group of words that is a phrase, but is not a sentence because if you went up to somebody and said "Card Games"¹¹ they are likely to look at you funnily and walk away, which is considered rude. It is also considered rude to go up to someone who is rude and tell them that they are, so beware not to do that. Also beware not to get SENTENCE confused with SENTENCE¹² which is something that a judge or other high authority generously gives out to people deserving sentences. Sentences sometimes include large amounts of time to be wasted in a large cage with other people deserving them. Sentences can sometimes also include PENALTIES, which are things usually included in sentences, that can consist of you having to pay a large fine and sometimes you may even have to die. FINEs are amounts of money one has to pay as a PENALTY¹³. FINE is not to be confused with FINE, which is something one usually calls things that look good compared to other, unfine things, or FINE, which is when something is very much of something else, such as a FINE point, or a FINEly detailed painting.

Paragraphs

The last step to reading is PARAGRAPHs, which is an excessively large word that means "a group of sentences".

Punctuation

Now, you may also wonder what is the deal with all the different marks in this essay, such as , . ? and !. Those are called punctuation, which is a large word that means "things to make your sentences even fancier-looking". When you see a , or a COMMA, it usually means to pause a bit before continuing to read. If you stumble upon a . that usually means the sentence has ended and wants you to go on to the next sentence. A . is called a PERIOD, and you usually pause a bit longer than a comma when reading a period. ! is an EXCLAMATION, which is what one uses to indicate surprise or excitement. You usually raise your pitch and tone of your voice to express it, but if it the subject genuinely exciting or surprising, it happens automatically. A ? is a QUESTION MARK, which indicates that the sentence you are reading is a question and is meant to be read in that manner, where you curiously lift your tone and pitch of your voice when ending the sentence. Questions are used to get answers to things you want answers for, so if you ask a question, you should usually expect an answer, unless you are speaking to something that is either very rude or unable to speak. ASK is what one does with questions, the same way one SPEAKs sentences. If someone asks you a question, you should answer in the best manner possible¹⁴, or you would be considered rude.

Etiquette

Now, you may be wondering what RUDE means. RUDE is what one is when they are not nice. Normal people do not like rude people, and tend not to speak to them, which, in a certain point of view, may be considered rude. A conundrum indeed.

Irrelevant Header

Now, you know the basics of reading. I hope you have enjoyed this lecture, and I hope you have learned something from it. Now, go and read! Oh, by the way, if you do not understand reading yet, I recommend you read over this again.