|So Long And Thanks For Laughing|
Star Wars Jokes
Q. What do you call the person who brings a Rancor its dinner?
A. The appetizer
Q. Why do TIE Fighters scream in space?
A. They miss their mothership
Q. What goes ha-ha-ha-thump?
A. A droid laughing its head off.
Two droids were talking to each other. The first one asked, "Did
you beat the Wookiee at Sabacc?"
The second one answered,
"Yes, but it cost me an arm and a leg."
Q. How many stormtroopers does it take to change a glowpanel?
A. Two: one to change it, and the other to shoot him and take credit for
Q. How long does Luke Skywalker need to sleep?
A. One Jedi night
Q. What's the difference between an AT-AT and a stormtrooper on foot?
A. One's an Imperial walker; the other's a walking Imperial.
Q. Why is a droid mechanic never lonely?
A. Because he's always making new friends
Q. Which side of an Ewok has the most fur?
A. The outside
Q. How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker had for Christmas?
A. He had felt his presents.
Q. Where does Qui-Gon keep his jam?
A. In a Jar-Jar.
Luke and Obi-Wan are having a meal in a posh Chinese restaurant. The meal arrives, and Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins manoevering the food using great skill and dexterity, as you would expect of a Jedi master.
Luke, on the other hand, is all over the place. He picks up his chopsticks with both hands, and desperatly tries to get the food to his mouth, but to no avail. The meal ends up all over his clothes, all over the table, the other diners and the floor. He even manages to drop one of his chopsticks in his drink, such is his incompetence.
Eventually Obi-Wan, watching all this with a frown, lets out a deep sigh, puts down his chopsticks and says, in a weary voice, "Luke, use the forks."
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road
- YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
- VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
- LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is.... totally different.
- LEIA: I don't know... but I have a bad feeling about this.
- HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or you're gonna be a permanent resident!
- THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
- ARTOO: beep beep be bop.
- BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken - trust me.
- BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me!
- WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
- CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
- JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
- BIB: Die chicken wanga?
- BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
- TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line.
- UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to cross that road.
- AUNT BERU: He can't stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
- ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens - prepare to cross the road on my mark.
- LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
- EMPEROR: If you will not cross, then you will be destroyed!
- JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
- JA-JA: Oo! Icky-icky chicken!
- SIO BIBBLE: Crossing the road can mean only one thing; invasion.
- DARTH MAUL: At last we will cross the road. At last we will have revenge.
Star Wars Things To Say When Your Parents Make A Surprise Visit.
- "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
- "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
- Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get outta
here pretty quick."
- Say to them, as they come in the door, "You've got a lotta guts coming here after what you pulled."
- If they say "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you!" (distort
your face) Then throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
- Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay __________ (fill in the amount)... Have a friend yell
"Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover).
- If they ask why the place is in such a mess reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them ... I've let go my conscious self and acted on instinct."
- "I've got a bad feeling about this."
- "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
- If they ask how you are doing in school say, "When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."
Signs You've Been Waiting Too Long for "Star Wars" Tickets
- That chick dressed as Princess Leia in front of you now qualifies as your "longest relationship with a woman."
- Can't resist the urge to "unsheathe your lightsaber."
- The US are bombing who? What is a Kosovo?
- A fellow fan compliments you on your Chewbacca costume, but you aren't wearing one.
- When a reporter asks you why you're obsessing about a movie when there's a war in Europe, you express full
confidence in President Reagan's ability to handle the to situation.
- Your Boba Fett lunchbox is worth £0.45 more than it was when you got to the cinema.
- The guy next to you is in line for "Episode II."
- Obi-Wan's ghost shows up to spritz you with Lysol.
- The dude in the Wookie suit is starting to look pretty good to you.
- Even your most loyal supporters are starting to question your order to "Just keep bombing Serbia until I get back."
Why Star Wars is better than Titanic
- Titanic had DiCaprio in it.
- Titanic's big, but it doesn't have hyperdrive.
- Star Wars has WAY cooler action figure potential.
- Yoda could use the Force to lift Titanic out of the water.
- Leia is a princess, a senator, a freedom fighter, and Jedi material; Rose is just marriage bait.
- Ewoks throw better parties than either first class or steerage.
- When flying towards the Titanic, Wedge can't say "Look at the size of that thing!" and really mean it.
- It would be much scarier to get chased around the boat by a raving madman with a lightsaber as opposed to a handgun.
- Titanic is egalitarian by portraying poor people as sympathetic characters. Star Wars is egalitarian by promoting bug-eyed amphibians to Admiral.
- Said bug-eyed amphibious Admiral manages NOT to lose his ship.
- We know Cal is the bad guy because he sneers at the poor and treats his fiancee like property. We know Darth Vader is the bad guy because he strangles people and blows up planets for fun.
- Leo can't dance OR fly an X-wing.
- People have not lost their lives trying to re-create scenes from Star Wars on the bow of a cruise liner.
- Rose braves icy water to rescue her man. Leia braves Jabba the Hut.
- Two names: John Williams and George Lucas.
- There are always enough escape pods in Star Wars.
- Do you know what the Empire does to self-proclaimed "kings of the world"?
- If Luke were handcuffed to a pipe below decks in a sinking ship, he would use the Force to get the key.
- "I'd rather be his whore than your wife" just doesn't have the same sting as "I'd rather kiss a Wookie."
- Han is frozen in carbonite and turned into a wall ornament. Leo simply freezes.
- We knew the boat was gonna sink. But who could've anticipated "Luke... I am your father"?
- Han Solo would've missed the iceberg!
- Stormtroopers blast big holes in stupid minor characters; everyone in Titanic was a minor character.
- When Star Wars was proclaimed coolest movie of all time by half of planet earth, George Lucas did not make a fool of himself at the Oscars.
- Titanic morals:
- 1) gamble
- 2) cheat on your husband
- 3) pose nude for pictures
- 4) premarital sex is OK if you're infatuated
- 5) let undesirables drown.
- Star Wars morals:
- 1) fight evil
- 2) do good
- 3) respect all life even if it's ugly and slithers
- 4) rescue princess
- 5) save planet.
You might be a Redneck Jedi if....
- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill.
- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer coloured.
- You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
- You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
- Wookies are offended by your B.O.
- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
- Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the darkside...it'll be a hoot."
- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
- You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
- You ever fell in love with your sister.
- You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader's evil empire as "them damn Yankees."
- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
- In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow "just ain't right."
Lines from Star Wars have been "improved" by someone substituting the word "pants" for key words:
- The pants may not look like much, kid, but they've got it where it counts.
- I find your lack of pants disturbing.
- You are unwise to lower your pants.
- She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally
- We've got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down.
- That blast came from those pants. That thing's operational!
- These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it.
- A tremor in the pants. The last time I felt this was in the presence of my old master.
- Han will have those pants down. We've got to give him more time!
- General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault.
- I used to bulls-eye womp-rats in my pants back home.
- TK-421. . . Why aren't you in your pants?
- Lock the door. And hope they don't have pants.
- Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board.
- You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark.
- Luke. . . Help me remove these pants.
- Great, Chewie, great. Always thinking with your pants.
- Don't worry. Chewie and I have gotten into pants a lot more heavily guarded than this.
- Maybe you'd like it back in your pants, your highness.
- Your pants betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... Your sister!
- Jabba doesn't have time for smugglers who drop their pants at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser.
- Short pants is better than no pants at all.
Sexually Tilted Lines Star Wars
- A New Hope
- 'She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.'
- 'Curse my metal body, I wasn't fast enough!'
- 'Look at the size of that thing!'
- 'Sorry about the mess...'
- 'You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought.'
- 'Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?'
- 'You've got something jammed in here real good.'
- 'Put that thing away before you get us all killed!'
- 'Luke, at that speed do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?'
- 'Get in there you big furry oaf, I don't care what you smell!'
- The Empire Strikes Back
- "I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me."
- "Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?"
- "There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
- "But now we must eat. come, good food, come..."
- "That's okay, I'd like to keep it on manual control for a while."
- "Hurry up, golden-rod..."
- "I must've hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huh kid?"
- "Possible he came in through the south entrance."
- "And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"
- "Control, control! You must learn control!"
- Return of the Jedi
- "We have orders to give it only to Jabba."
- C3PO: "What could possibly have come over Master Luke? Is it something I did? He never expressed any unhappiness with my work."
- Han :"Hey, point that thing someplace else."
- Emperor: "I look forward to completing your training. I time you will call me master."
- Leia: "You're a jittery little thing, aren't you?"
- C3PO: "I never knew I had it in me."
- Lando: "Someone must've told them about my little maneuver at the battle of Taanab."
- Luke: "There is good in him, I've felt it."
- C3PO: "If I told you half the things I've heard about this Jabba the Hutt, you'd probably short circuit."
- Jerjerrod: "I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can.
Darth Vader "Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them."
- Han :"Grab me, Chewie. I'm slipping -- hold on. Grab it, almost...you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold me, Chewie. Chewie!"
Lando: "A little higher, just a little higher."
- Han: "Short help's better than no help at all."
- Han: "Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me -- now I owe you one."
- Han: "Back door, huh? Good idea!"
- The Phantom Menace
- Darth Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.
- Jarr-Jarr: Oo! Icky icky goo!
- Battle Droid: Roger Roger!
- Obi-wan: You were right about one thing, master, the negotiations were short.
- Yoda: How feel you?
- Qui-Gon: Get down!
- Jar Jar: Whoo, boy! This is tense!
- Obi-Wan: Anakin and I can handle this.
- Capt. Panaka: Once we're inside, we shouldn't have a problem.
- Shmi: It is time for you to let go.
- Pod Racer Announcer: Amazing... a controlled thrust and he's back on course!
- Capt. Panaka:You can't take Her Royal Highness there!
- Jar Jar: Oie boie...mesa comen. Mesa comen!
- Oom-9: If they're down here, sir, we'll find them
- Jar Jar: Mesa no watch. Dissen ganna be messy!
- Attack of the Clones
- Captain Typho: You did your duty - Cordé did hers. Now come.
- Jar Jar: ...and this, I take it, is your apprentice... Noooooooo! Annie? Noooooooo! Little bitty Annie? Noooooooo! Yousa so biggen! Yiyiyiyyi! Annie!!
- Padmé: Annie? My goodness, you've grown.
- Mace Windu: The prophecy is coming true, the Dark Side is growing.
- Anakin: I don't like just waiting here for something to happen to her.
- Obi-Wan: What took you so long?
- Yoda: Handle that, your Padawan will.
- Obi-Wan: Anakin! How many times have I told you to stay away from the power couplings! Slow down! Don't go through there!
- Obi-Wan: Here. Next time try not to lose it.
- Padmé: I'm sorry, Anakin. It's impossible to deny you've... ...that you've grown up.
- Padmé: Don't try to grow up too fast.
- Anakin: I am grown up. You said it yourself.
- Padmé: We went to lightspeed a while ago.
- Padmé: You were dreaming about your mother earlier, weren't you?
- Lama Su: Magnificent, aren't they?
- Anakin: Let me help you with that.
- Obi-Wan: Take the one the right. I'll take the one on the left.
- Obi-Wan: She seems to be on top of things.
- C-3PO: Artoo, what are you doing here? Wait! No! How dare you! You're pulling too hard.
- Obi-Wan: Anakin and I can handle this.
- Revenge of the Sith
- Obi-Wan: ...why am I always the bait?
- Anakin: Don't worry. I'm coming around behind you.
- Obi-Wan: Anakin, they're all over me!
- Obi-Wan: I'm going down on the deck.
- Obi-Wan: Hurry up! I don't like this!
- Anakin: Come on, Master.
- Obi-Wan: Stay with me... swing back and right... help me engage.
- Anakin: I'm coming around. I'm coming around on your tail.
- Obi-Wan: These droids are all over me like a rash.
- Obi-Wan: Just keep me steady... hold on... not yet... now break left.
- Obi-Wan: You'll never get through there, Anakin. It's too tight.
- Obi-Wan: Get the Chancellor! I'm running out of tricks here.
- Obi-Wan: Wait... wait... I can't see a thing! My cockpit's fogging. They're all over me, Anakin.
- Obi-Wan: Your idea of safe is not the same as mine.
- Obi-Wan: We'll never get through that. It's too small!
- Obi-Wan: (To Anakin) This time we will do it together.
- Count Dooku: Your moves are clumsy, Kenobi... too predictable. You'll have to do better.
- Anakin: General Grievous... You're shorter than I expected.
- Anakin: (to Obi-Wan) Are you coming, Master?
- Bail Organa: I'll do everything I can with the Senate.
- Mace: I don't think the boy can handle it.
- C-3PO: Oh, it's you, Master Kenobi. Come in, quickly.
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