This Is Not A Salad.
Created | Updated Feb 14, 2004
I've recently taken up a penchant for vegetable poetry1. This came about due to the wonderful "Your Poems" thread on GorillaSan.tk. I wanted to do something silly, and a half-memory of a poem about a radish from some cartoon I watched as a kid surfaced. One thing led to another, and I now am considered by many to be a nearly reputable veggie poet.
Without further ado, I present the complete collection of known vegetable poetry written by Fadookie the Froody to date:
Ode to a Radish
I heareth a soundand turn'st around
to find a red radish
at rest on the ground.
Who hath placed you here
O riveted radish
Drank he too much beer
and a salad established?
"Nay," quoth the radish
though veggies can't talk
"I was ripp'd from my crevice
Pulled right by the stalk
and the man who had yanked me
took a bite with a sting
with a holler he spat me
and my bodice was fling'd
so here'st I rest
torn up on the ground
tastless at best
and imperfectly round."
My Rotten Tomato
Stinky and boughtenat the bargain fruit stand
wrinkly and rotten
it squelches in hand
My rotten tomato
so ripe and so red
I squeeze and the juices
pour down on my head
It dribbles and drabbles
down the back of my shirt
not ribald, but rabble
so rancid it hurts
For tomato juices
it'd spoil my press
it's practically useless
'cept for making a mess
My rotten tomato
so flat and so red
my rotten tomato
all over my head.
Warm as a Cucumber
One might sayhe was as
cool as a cucumber
The problem is
that my cucumber
is quite warm.
You see, if you
leave a cucumber
out on the
sidewalk
it begins to
heat up and
burn.
Now, if I
were to slice
up my heated
cucumber
I would most
likely find
it sour
so the moral
of the story
is to
keep your cucumber
inside until
you plan
to eat it.
the end
Motivations
This was written in response to a haiku accusing me of wasting my skill on vegetables.ah but roninyou don't understand
the veggie which rests
in the palm of your hand
is (under inspection)
so wonderfl'y formed
so near to perfection
and from itself born
if nature would let you all
sit and observe
a cycle perpetual
and graph'd on a curve
with time speeding up
and your mind slowing down
it would go without stop
around and around
for a veggie not found
is the start of a tree
it will grow in the ground
without bird, without bee
and that sir, is why (cause a veggie doth grow'th)
it's fodder for me, who is such a punk poet!
Carnegie Melon
A student attending at Carnegie MellonHad during his finals a craving for melon.
He went to the market and looked through the store.
He purchased their stock and then asked for some more.
He sliced up the gourds with great care and great speed
and washed them all down with a pint of cold meade.
His belly was full and he almost did spew
out some ripe canteloupe and some fresh honeydew.
The student, now full, returned to his dorm
and through his studies came back to the norm.
However, young children will ask for a tellin'
of the student who ate up at Carnegie Mellon.
1All content ©2004 Eliot Lash
