h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Anonymouse, this is one of the funniest pages I've come across so far in my month or two here at H2G2, and I have a little contribution for you which is the other side of the coin entitled Wife 1.0

To whom it may concern:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In
addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as
Mealsout 7.5, Cinemas 2.3, and Concerts 6.1 and installs new,
undesirable programs such as BoysPubNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run
NappyChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!!!
signed Jane
****
Dear Jane:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly
due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0,
because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Partnership Faults {GPFs}. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause.

To activate this great feature enter the command "C:\ I THOUGHT YOU
LOVED ME". Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and
more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a "C:\ I APOLOGIZE" command before the system will return to normal operations.

Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or
worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.

Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip! Just remember!
The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you
will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Hobbies 9.4 and Pubvisits 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install
Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Sincerely,
Tech Support

LOL.. I was looking for one of those. However, it's not actually correct, as I could write a book on uninstalling H1.0 ... Oh wait.. there's already a song..

0/~ There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.

At any rate, I've added it to my directory of "things to add to pages" stuff. Though please, do not hold your breath, as when I'll have time to add I have no idea.

Thanks for stopping by, though.. and I'm glad I could provide you with a laugh.

'Nonnie

Don't you mean the signalman's song - '50 ways to love your lever'? Hmmm, I feel a thread coming on - songs for professions, like f'rinstance, the photographer's song - 'Some Day My Prints Will Come'. Oh, stop me now before I do any damage

Not so sure I want to think about a '50 ways to love your lever' song.

'Nonnie

I know I don't
If you know any more jokes like that one, (The Husband one) you could always bung 'em in an article and submit 'em to the H2G2 Jokes Directory Thingy at:
http://www.h2g2.com/A227440
(May as well get the plug in )

<BB<

Plug away.. Meanwhile I've got to try to remember to get this up from the forums and into the page (or whichever page is next).. I've got probably two more pages worth (at least) of stuff to add to the rounds collection, too. Every time I find it it seems I'm too exhausted to edit.

'Nonnie

Let me know when you've added the next few pages, and if you'd like I can add them to the directory.

Another thing, you may have noticed that I've started putting a link to a Joke article each week in the H2G2 Post. If you'd like to let me link to your articles too, let me know. I'd especially like to link to your Winter jokes in a couple of weeks as they're appropriate.

<BB<

You may absotively point to any of my pages you wish (in the Post or otherwise) any time you like.

'Nonnie

right under wife 1.0 tech support, for continuity.

'Nonnie

Nice of you to post that one Nonnie, but I'm not sure I agree with you about it being chauvenistic... well, in a few places maybe. As I scrolled down the page, I reread all the other good stuff on there that I'd forgotten about . Here's another something I got sent last week - rather pertinent right now....

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect anybody as President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves and, by extension, the free world, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories
including New Jersey.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, please comply with the following acts:

1. Look up "revocation" in the now official Oxford Dictionary ($75). Start spelling English words correctly.

2. Learn at least the first 4 lines of "God Save The Queen"

3. Start referring to "soccer" as football

4. Declare war on Quebec and France

5. Arrest Mel Gibson for treason

6. Close down the NFL. Learn to play rugby

7. Enjoy warm flat beer and steak and kidney pudding. Train waitresses to be more aggressive with customers and not to tell you their names before you eat.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday, this has been replaced with
November 5th (aka Guy Fawkes Day - when he tried to blow up the House of Parliament).

9. All members of this British Crown Dependency will be required to take 6 weeks annual holiday (not vacation) and observe statutory tea breaks.

10. Driving on the left is now compulsory - recall all cars to effect the change immediately.

11. Report to our Consulate General in NY - M Wragg - for your new passport and job allocation.

12. Have Meg Ryan report to Prince Andrew's Bedchamber.

13. Add the Royal insignia to the top of the Washington Monument - and the Queen's Christmas speeches to the Lincoln Memorial.

14. Stop referring to the World Series of Baseball and instead call it the National Series of USA, Cuba and Japan.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation and have a nice day!

Someone from the UK actually sent that to a mostly-US-based list I'm on.. because there were several arguments going on about politics. I think I may have 'collected' it for inclusion in another page.

'Nonnie

Ah, that's the thing about the internet - as soon as something's out there, it's everywhere very quickly

That's why, when used properly, it's a very GoodThing(tm).
It's also why things can become old so quickly.

'Nonnie