It's not easy being an Inquisitor. First of all, you have to affect the persona of a stone man who owns a sinister dentist's chair, which is no mean feat for the socially adjusted. Then, there's the questions. So many questions. Each column requires nine unique questions, at least. But the real challenge is the people dragged kicking and screaming into the chair. Some are lucid and coherent, some are mad and rambling. One however, just one, is Lil...

Well, Lil. The Inquisition normally visits a person's U-space in order to dig up any incriminating evidence to use in these interviews, but yours is a seething mass of pretty pictures and movement. Is this a deliberate act to confuse any would-be attackers, in the same way a squid uses ink?

*giggles*


It does give a clue at the beginning with:


'If you find anything about me in here, please let me know'


Further on it says:


'You have come all this way to find out about lil ol' me Guess what?.............you're still no nearer!!!'


Do you think that throws 'em off the track?


Thank you for the compliment on the pretty pictures.

Well, if U-spaces offer no clue to what a person is like, rest assured that the Inquisition will expose information. Do you agree that the humble mullet is the peak of human haircut evolution?

Aaaah! The humble mullet. Tidy, but plenty enough hair for a girl to stroke her fingers through....


*wanders down memory lane*


Ummm... better not go there either!! *blush*

Erm... Okay, then. Do you think it's safe to say that quite a lot of people in these parts get a little overexcited about the prospect of Doctor Who? It's not even like it's the best programme on the TV.

*splutters*


What?? *yikes*


"Not the best programme on TV"???


Poor Smij will be seething if he reads that!!!


Dr Who is the hero of the Universe! Who else do we have to save us mere earthlings from those wicked aliens?


Besides David Tennant is rather dishy *drool*

But surely, if alien life exists elsewhere in our galaxy it will have found weapons deadlier than a toilet plunger?

What a clever toilet plunger it is too!


It got rid of 99% of all known life in the Universe!¹


The Doctor saved us all!! *swoon*

*wonders when the Inquisition will start*

Hmm. It appears that you're mocking the Inquisition. This can only end badly for you... Where were you precisely sixteen days, three hours and four minutes ago?

Ow!!


Do you have to use the thumb screws?


I was in B'Elana's 'Yikes' jounal!


Did you know she'd been yikes'd? The first one in three years on Hootoo! I don't know how she got away with it for so long..


I'm beginning to like this!

Hmm. A likely story. Does this mean that you are in fact the mysterious Phantom Yikeser? If not, then you must know who they are! Speculate!

The Phantom Yikeser is merely a figment of your imagination.


Do you often have these delusions?

*sits on her new Matt, picking out loose threads*

You deny the existence of the Phantom Yikeser? Blasphemy. Is there anything else you deny the existence of? For example, do you find the presence of an all-knowing all-powerful god more or less plausible than the existence of a Flying Spaghetti Monster or an Invisible Pink Unicorn?

Hah! The Flying Spaghetti Monster and that Invisible Pink Unicorn! They are mere children's stories!


The Phantom Yikeser is nought but the Filther looking for further profanities.


Now, for Gods, kneel and give thanks to the Great NIGHTHOOVER!!

Erm... Quite. Amidst all this general insanity I'd like to try and wedge in my Fight Question™. If, hypothetically speaking, a handsome young inquisitor were to enter into a battle of wills with a raving loony over getting her to answer a serious penultimate question, would he have a chance of emerging victorious?

Darling, you say the most lovely things!


Now where can I find this handsome, young inquisitor?


As for the Fight Question, I haven't watched boxing for a long time. So I might be a bit rusty.

In fairness, that was the fight question... And we're rapidly running out of time, so here's the penultimate question for you. Since my last run of Mr Inquisitor, the powers that be have put in place a profanity filter. How do you think this has affected life on h2g2 for the foul-mouthed masses?

*puts on serious ACE hat*


The 'Filther' was put in place because users from other BBC mesageboards were finding their way into Hootoo. The other BBC sites are on pre-moderation. Unfortunately, the younger members were finding our site a useful tool to swear at their friends. This was causing an overuse of the moderators and costing money that could be better spent elsewhere in Hootoo.


Now, the 'Filther' in fully integrated into our system and most don't realise it is there.

*takes off serious ACE hat*



Oookay.. we can still have fun and call all the farking pests in Hootooland all the dog-on names we like. As long as we use alternative methods and, of course, don't cause offence...


Now, can you lead me to this young, handsome inquisitor?

Unfortunately Lil, there hasn't been a young and handsome Inquisitor since Awix left for pastures new. So in his honour, here's Awix's traditional final question, as used by Inquisitors through the ages: what's the most important thing you've learned through being a member of h2g2?

Awww Shucks!! It was Awix who interrogated my daughter Vicki Virago!


Thankfully, I have behaved myself!!


What have I learned through being a member of h2g2?


I have learned there are lots of friends here. People who will give you time and friendship.


Also there is Great Fun to be found here too!


Please excuse me.. I have to go and sort out my Hootoo Sisters! That ing is causing mischief again!!

Thanks to Lil. Currently undergoing the Inquisition, we have SWL, Broelan, Roymondo, Danny B, Axmili and Brown Eyed Girl, so expect them in a Post near you soon. If you'd like to put yourself on that list, nominate someone to be visited by the inquisition, or just have some sort of random question that I wouldn't think of², don't hesitate to drop me an email at mrinquisitorredux(AT)hotmail(DOT)co(DOT)uk. Until next time, I've been Mr Inquisitor. Tsedesutyun³!

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