The True Legend Of Little Red Riding Hood (UG)

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Official UnderGuide Entry

Once apon a time there was a little girl called Little Red Riding Hood. She lived in the forest with her parents.

She often asked her father why he had called her Little Red Riding Hood, because it was a stupid name. He was strangely quiet on the issue.

One day her mother said to her, "Your grandmother is very sick. We need you to take her these drugs and antibiotics. We can't be bothered to visit her ourselves, even though she lives within walking distance."

So Little Red Riding Hood set off. She skipped through the forest, swinging her basket, picking flowers, and generally doing girly stuff.

Suddenly, a large wolf jumped out in front of her. This was no normal wolf; it inexplicably had the gift of human speech.

It asked Little Red Riding Hood "Where are you going?"

She answered, "I'm going to see my grandmother. She's in urgent need of an injection of morphine, so my parents sent me."

The wolf wanted to eat her, but was a bit thick and didn't think of attacking her there and then. Instead it ran on to the grandmother's house.

Once there, it brutally attacked the grandmother, and killed her with a savage bite to the neck. After eating her, it dressed up in the grandmother's nightie and got into her bed.

Finally, Little Red Riding Hood arrived at the grandmother's house. She knocked on the door and entered.

"Hello Grandma!" she said.

"Hello Little Red Riding What-ever-it-was" the wolf grinned.

"Hood. By the way, what big eyes you've got, Grandma!"

"Oh yes, I've been taking vitamin A supplements."

"What big ears you've got!"

"That's just my cute little bunny wooly hat." answered the wolf.

"What big teeth you've got!"

"Thanks. I try to keep them in shape."

"Your breath smells a bit though. Now hold still, I've got to give you some injections."

The wolf jumped up and attacked Little Red Riding Hood. He went for her throat, but she feigned with her left and struck him across the jaw with her right. While he was still reeling, she gave him a good kick and scratched his arms with her fingernails.

The wolf wasn't going to be outdone though - he pulled out his claws and gouged a chunk out of her shoulder. She screamed as loud as she could, attracting the attention of a nearby woodcutter.

The wolf ate her.

The woodcutter ran into the house, saw the wolf and all the blood, and revved up his chainsaw. Too late though - The wolf bit him on the ankle, and he fell over, accidentaly chopping his own head off with the chainsaw.

The moral of this story is:

Never operate a chainsaw without adequate protective clothing, and a friend nearby.

This is one of a series of fables re-written by Peregrin. You can find more by checking the following links:
Previous fable - The Stone Pie
Next fable - The Dog and the Bone

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