A Tiffany is a person complete devoid of personality but is popular solely on the basis of either their wealth, good looks or ability to spread their legs. Tiffanies are possibly the most unpleasant people there are: we've all met them. Stuck-up bimbos, arrogant sports players, spoilt kids that thing the world bows down to them.

Schools are the best breeding grounds for these creatures. Remember the really popular kids at school, the trendy ones, the sports players? The ones who always came bottom of the class in everything? The ones with minds the size of shrivelled sultanas? The ones with all the personality of the occupant of a freshly filled coffin? The indecently attractive ones? The ones with absurdly wealthy parents? Well, they are prime examples of the species.

'Clueless' has an all-star cast of them.

Tiffany Identification Kit

This is a kit purely for identifying school-based Tiffanies. Other Tiffanies are too subtle.... later in the lifecycle they turn either into yuppies or builders.

Things to look out for:

1. Constantly changing hairstyles. Colour change is also frequent, but colours are always natural ones¹
2. Mobile phones.
3. Slightly glassy look in eyes, especially when asked a simple question.
4. Exactly the same clothes as any other Tiffany in the same clan group.
5. Piercings, but not nose, tongue or eyebrows.
6. Anti-social behaviour.
7. Arrogance.
8. Imbecility.
9. Snobbery.
10. Loud flatulence.

Tiffany Professions

These are professions in which Tiffanies excel, as they require no work, and you have to simply be there and brain-dead.

• Model. Brain-dead and beautiful.
• Wheeler-dealer. Mobile phone surgically attached to side of head.
• Drug Dealer. Kappa jackets, need I say more?
• Pimp.
• Door-to-door salesman. (they don't have to actually say anything, they get ignored straight away, so anything that they may actually say is irrelevant)
• Beauty Therapist. The most listed 'Want to be' profession on Careers department lists throughout the country.
• Those girls who work behind the perfume counters in department stores, who impossibly manage to look down on you despite the fact that you are at least twice as intelligent as they are. The ones with an extra layer of skin composed entirely of make-up.
• Personal Shoppers. This profession is America's least desired export.

In Conclusion²

Tiffanies should be avoided. They are an evolutionary dead-end, an unfortunate by-product⁴ of a society that relies on looks slightly too heavily. Ugly people should scorn anyone whom they believe to be a Tiffany, for it is the only small way in which they can get their own back.

There is only one solution to the massive social problem that Tiffanies present us with: A Mass Nuclear Holocaust.

You think I'm kidding. Unfortunately I'm not. Tiffanies have entwined themselves so deeply into the collective consciousness of the human species that a Golgafrincham Space Ark solution would be impossible: everyone would object far too loudly⁵. With a Nuclear apocalypse, a meritocracy would form, whereby only the most intelligent and the strongest would survive.

Ok, so it's a bad idea. The entirety of civilisation destroyed just to deprive future generations of their own 'Steps' equivalent, copies of the Daily Star, shallow bimbos and judgement based on appearance⁶.

But then it isn't much of a civilisation anyway, is it? I mean, 6000 years and we've barely moved, socially, allowing Tiffanies to flourish, and choosing the 'Looks good, tastes bad' option every single time. The person who wins the elections always has the best hair. John Major had nicer hair than Maggie Thatcher, and Tony Blair had nicer hair than Johnny boy. You just wait: Tony Blair's bald spot size and his popularity ratings are negatively related. As one gets bigger, the other will shrink.

So, in conclusion to the conclusion, the extinction of the proto-human Tiffany species can only be achieved with the destruction of society.

I think you'll agree that it's a small price to pay.