English Scriptures (CAC Edition)

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Hear the English scriptures, according to Pupil number 0925:

The pupils sat in their seats. Laura Ellis twisted around to speak to Helen Smith. Helen asked Laura if she could have Gemma's pens. Laura refused, and claimed that she only had one. Helen thought that Laura was lying.

Helen asked KP what she was writing. Mrs. Johnstone started talking. We still had one and a half poems left to make notes on.

Mrs. Johnstone asked Emma Waters who was emerging as a "leading light in literature". The rest of the class noted that this was alliteration and nothing else was said on the subject.

Mrs. Johnstone started talking about alliteration and colloquiallism in the poem. She started repeating the phrase 'greedy-guts,' in a strange voice. The left side of the room was discussing the poem when the door opened and Charlotte Burridge came in with a small mutter of apology.

Mrs. Johnstone started joking about alliteration, rhyming and colloquialism, and, attempting an Australian accent unsuccessfully, she talked about a cat who ate cheese.

Jessica Stewart started talking about Tom Cruise eating his baby's placenta.

Emma was told to stop talking as Louise Hunt began the next poem.

Catherine Stockwell put her head in her hands, and began to doodle.

Felicity Hewitt-Dutton and Laura began to make notes.

Rachel Hyman was playing with her hair, pencil in hand. She began to curl her hair around her pencil.

The notes began.

Everybody began to give their opinion. Rachel gave a silly opinion that made some people laugh. She herself turned bright red.

Catherine Stockwell stretched and rubbed her eyes.

Charlotte Burridge wondered aloud why the man in the poem didn't want to kill the snake, but she was hit with torrents of explanations. Through the torrents, it is my personal opinion that she must have heard something that explained it to her, because she claimed that she understood after that.

Mrs. Johnstone suggested we study 'Best Words' now. Some people started saying the word 'hyperbole,' the wrong way, and others began to sing.

Nobody noticed that KP had barely said a word...

Mrs. Johnstone put a book on her head. Sarah Hunt started pointing at a stuffed christmas bear on top of the TV.

Catherine Stockwell began reading the poem in an over-exaggeratedly bored tone of voice.

Kate Still was asked by Mrs. Johnstone where Claude Mckay was from. Kate replied 'Jamaica,' which Mrs. Johnstone promptly attempted to say this in some sort of accent.

Jessica said something about a word that meant 'prayer'. Kate asked her what the word meant. People laughed.

Louise was fiddling with her nails and not really listening, as people repeated the word 'smell,' very loudly.

Mrs. Johnstone remembered when Charlotte had made her "stroppy" when we went through this poem before.

Catherine Stockwell was asked what a 'Fife' was, whilst Emma and Kate started singing the song that they had been singing since R.S, but in funny voices.

Everyone started talking about bird flu.

We started to read 'Blackberrying,' AGAIN.

Helen was obviously tempted to doodle.

Rachel was playing with her hair again, as Sarah sucked her pen.

Mrs. Johnstone commented that blackberries were 'sinister', and Felicity began to make notes about 'assonance'.

Laura commented on how Sylvia Plath was 'desperate,' and Jessica made a rude joke about Emma.

Sarah couldn't say one of the words that she was asked to say, and neither could anybody else.

Catherine Stockwell, Felicity, Louise, Helen, Charlotte and myself looked bored until Mrs. Johnstone began to make a weird wailing noise - rather like fireworks.

Kate said her leg was bleeding, and nobody noticed.

Then, Mrs. Johnstone said the word 'ugly' over and over again in a strange voice. She then said 'The phantom laundry,' randomly. It took the class, on average, a minute and a half to realise that this was in the poem. Mrs. Johnstone clapped her hands and then said "personification", in a "Jamaican" accent. She then started speaking in RP.

Mrs. Johnstone waved her glasses around at Charlotte, whilst Catherine Stockwell sat back and scratched her nose. Felicity smiled widely at KP.

Jessica started reading the next poem aloud. From time to time, one could hear the sound of 'eurgh' coming from the left side of the room - probably from Kate.

Laura, and then Rachel, began to read. Some of the words in the poem made Rachel take a double look.

At 1249, whilst KP was reading, Mrs. Moorby rudely interupted the class without knocking. She seemed to be surprised that KP was READING in an ENGLISH lesson.

Mrs. Johnstone left the room. Some people on the right side of the room started laughing hysterically about having dropped a pen on the floor.

Some people on the left side of the room started singing three different songs at once.

It was humerous.

Here ends the scripture.

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