Space: it's big, it's ever-growing and it's empty. Just nothing. It's boring. It's 40,000,000 light years to the nearest star. There's not even air. Air doesn't do much for an immortal, but at least it's something. They should put a fast food place out here, or at least signs to tell me were the heck I am! I've been floating out here for at least four days. I don't even know if I'm moving. The way I, an immortal, got out here is a long, long story, but I have time. Eternity, to be precise. I think I should start in the middle. I will start in the middle because if I started at the beginning, then by the time I'm done, you would all have false teeth and hearing aids. So this is how it started.
One day I was minding my own business, just messing with some mortal's life, when I broke a big, big rule. Not a mortal rule, no; I could care less about them in general. I broke the worst, most heinous of all the immortal rules. I think you know what I'm talking about, but I didn't do it then. I had broken it in the past, yet it took them 4,000,000,000,000x1023 years to find out what I had done. I was just moving things around in some guy's room when he wasn't looking. It was hilarious. Him not knowing what the heck was going on and me knowing everything, everywhere, all the time. You should have been there. Well, there I was laughing my head off, when I heard a sound. I had never heard it before. It was this weird... well, not high pitched... but well, I don't know how to explain it. I looked around and couldn't find anything that could make that noise. I floated out of the room and into the sky and looked around. There it was, right in front of my eye. Well not right in front of my eye. I saw it out of the corner of my eye. It was an Ocer, an immortal's worst nightmare. They are sent if you commit a big crime. You can never quite see them and that is only one of the many things they do to piss people off. At first I wondered why he was there. What the heck had I done to bring him here? Was this planet a 'do not mess with' zone? Had I passed wind too close to the sun and caused a solar flare? Then another Ocer appeared. 'Bugger,' I thought. 'Two means I did something really bad.'
Then they warped me. Being warped feels like having an remote-controlled car being shoved down your throat and then running around smacking your organs around a bit, then driving through your very small, small intestine. I also think the RC's battery has a leak, because for the next couple days afterward you have indigestion.
After getting warped, they took me to Logic City. Logic City is on an average planet that no one can ever quite remember how to get to. I still don’t get how they do that. There is only one place that is not full of wonder and amazement there, and that’s the court/jail/reformatory. I was there for the jail part. I still didn't know what I had done. As I went in front of the judge to hear my sentence (Logic City trails are an average of 20 seconds), I hoped they hadn’t found out about me broadcasting that message about the end of the world on Alpha YY Plural. That totally freaked the people out. It was so funny, especially when they almost blew it up themselves trying to get off it.
'I find the defendant, Francis...' — that's when I started grinding my teeth. I hate it when people use my first name. Most people call me by my tenth name, Quartz — '...guilty of attacking the governor of the universe.'