Disclaimer: Mountaineering is a dangerous sport. No book or guide can alert you to every hazard involved with climbing or every limitation of the reader. When climbing you assume the responsibility of your own safety. Exercise common sense when climbing, and make sure that your will is signed, witnessed, and in a safe place (which means not with you when you are climbing).

Mountain climbing is a fun and enjoyable way to spend your time especially if you have no friends, family, loved ones, reasons to live, etc. etc. Due to the large amount of mountains on the planet and the sometimes inconvenient places in which they have formed, people have found themselves on the summits - most times intentionally, but there have been some who felt perplexed because inexplicably they are on top of a mountain. For those who wish to also find themselves on the summit of a mountain, read on for the more basic steps in which to do so.

First it must be explained what a mountain is, and to help clarify that, it must be explained what a mountain isn't. A mountain is not: a pile of bricks near an abandoned factory, a compost heap in your backyard, a mound of your friends playing rugby, hills that reside in neighborhoods, any kind of depression or pit, a photograph of a mountain, or a microwavable dinner. A mountain is a large peice of ground that rises no less than 2,000 feet or 650 meters from the surrounding countryside. Mountains are formed naturally and any man-made mountain can only qualify as a very large pile of stuff be it dirt, rocks, rubbish, junk, etc. etc.

Secondly, it must be explained what climbing is, and to help clarify that, it must be explained what climbing isn't. Climbing is not: walking on a sidewalk or any type of paved surface, flying (though that word can be used to describe how someone is climbing I.C. "Wow, that guy is really flying up that mountain!"), playing rugby, using any power or vehicle other their your own power and body to get to the top of a mountain, piling a lot of things in order to form a mountain underneath you, or eating a microwavable dinner. Climbing is either hiking, scrambling, or scaling using your own body and power to make an ascent of a vertical, near vertical, or slightly more vertical than horizontal hunk of ground.

The first step in climbing a mountain is the easiest step. After that the terrain usually gets steeper, the oxygen less abundant, the climate harsher, and the steps become harder and more difficult to take.

The second step in climbing a mountain is simply to lose any ability to reason logically. When you do that you will also happen to forget that climbing mountains is dangerous, and the instinct for self-preservation will also somehow be lost somewhere; maybe it slipped in between the couch cushions.

The next thing an aspiring mountain climber should do is choose which mountain to climb. Mountain climbers that are still alive (usually because of luck and not for long) will probably advise that you should start with a fairly easy mountain to ascend so that you aren't killed or maimed or disfigured. However, that is total nonsense since as a mountain climber it is inevitable that you will be killed, maimed, and disfigured, possibly in that order. So, if you want to climb Mt. Everest first, go for it and God have mercy on your soul.

Once you have chosen the mountain you wish to climb, you must decide which route is the one best suited for you to ascend to the summit of that particular mountain. For example, if you wish to use rock climbing techniques to climb the mountain then a low-rising footpath is probably not the best choice without really scraping up your knees, moving very slowly, and basically looking like a fool for all the other doomed maniacs on the mountain. And if you wish to hike to the summit, then a long and overhanging wall of ice might provide a good lesson in physics, but getting to the top will most likely not happen.

The next step in climbing a mountain is to get the appropriate gear, which can usually be found at any outdoor sports store, junkyard, your father's garage, or yardsale. The right gear for the climb should usually consist of the following items:

• A backpack
• A coat
• A pair of boots
• A canteen of water
• Enough food to last you the entire trip (No microwavable dinners)
• A flashlight
• A first aid kit
• Sunglasses
• Sunscreen (sunburns can really hurt when you fall and are dashed to pieces on the rocks thousands of feet below)
• A map (try to get one of the mounain you are climbing)
• A friend who is as suicidal as you

Other items you might wish to take are:

• A large calibre rifle
• Enough ammunition to take out a platoon of revolutionaries
• Crampons
• An ice axe (for ice climbing and to slice meat for food from your climbing partner's frozen body)
• Warm clothing
• A religious item to use for when you beg God for mercy
• A rope (this can be used to climb with, or to hang yourself when
  things get really bad)

Now comes the fun part, the actual climbing of the mountain. Unless the mountain is located outside of your front door, you will have to travel to get to it. After arriving at the foot of the mountain, maneuver through all of the bodies of other mountaineers, who were less successful than you'll be, to the bottom of the route of your choice. At this point it might be a good idea to reassure your friend that what you are doing is perfectly safe and you know what you are doing; here is where you will begin to use your technical climbing gear. Hold you ice axe is a menacing way and threaten your friend into climbing ahead of you, that way when avalanches and rock slides happen his body might deflect the first part of the onslaught which could allow you time to seek shelter.

Continue on in this fashion making a good effort at not falling to your death. Also try not to be hit by falling objects like rocks, snow, and other mountaineers. Another good idea is to try and not get hypothermia, this is better done in the safety of your home. Other tips are: don't get lost, don't panic, don't claw at your eyes and scream in terror, and also try not to die or be maimed or disfigured.

If, after all of that, you still make it to the summit, then shake your partner's hand (if he still lives) as is the tradition of mountain climbers; sign the summit log (a small tube contains a log book in which other successful climbers have also signed their names and sometimes their wills); and begin your descent back to the world of life.

To descend a mountain, simply reverse all of the aforementioned steps. Its just that easy.

Reread the disclaimer and before starting out on your adventure be sure to see your Priest/Pastor/Imam/Rabbi or holy man depending upon your religious faith.

And remember to Have Fun!