The world is filled with things that are incredibly, incredibly stupid, but look quite nice; Pikachu; the Spice Girls; nuclear explosions;

And teenyboppers.

If you've never met a teenybopper, then you've never been to a ten-year-old's birthday party. A teenybopper is a child (and don't be confused by them claiming to be 'young adults'¹) who is usually between seven and twelve years of age, who holds the unshakable belief that they are the most trendy and stylish person in the world because they have just bought a Rick Martin CD. Or 'All Saints' 1999 calendar. Or the Spice Girl's annual. A teenybopper is almost invariably female, but male specimens do occur, and these ones should be avoided at all costs; there is nothing scarier than a twelve year old dancing over-enthusiastically to the latest S club 7 track.

Things never to do/say in the presence of a teenybopper (male or female):

1. 'What are your political beliefs?' When asked to a female teenybopper, the answer will invariably be 'GIRL POWER!!!' and a kick in the shin, followed by a proclamation to the world of her undying support for Posh Spice's campaign to become Prime minister. Male teenyboppers will always give you some pretentious twaddle about how they support such and such a party because of such and such a policy, but don't believe them; their support derives from the style of the party leader's haircut. Actually, even this kind of answer is somewhat optimistic; a 'go away' or a monosyllabic grunt² are probably as far as you are likely to get.
2. 'What sort of music do you listen to?' Obviously, this is not a good question to ask. You will be bombarded by a tirade of manufactured band names. If you value your sense of style, and your hope that our next generation will bring new gifts of insight and intelligence into the information age, then do not ask this question.
3. Never, ever try to engage a teenybopper in a serious musical conversation. Most people have musical taste to some degree or other³, but teenyboppers are devoid of even this modicum of musical common sense until they have passed puberty. A discussion on the merits of heavy guitar usage, or a socio-political analysis of Offspring lyrics will induce screaming and shouts of 'The Spice Girls RULE!!!!!!!!'
4. Don't line dance. Teenyboppers will assume that you are attempting to imitate the latest 'Steps' dance, and attempt to teach you the how to perform the real one, accompanied by a tone-deaf rendition of their latest single.

Female teenyboppers are charcterised by their distinctive clothing: dayglo coloured hair bobbles and accessories, plus high-heeled jelly shoes which will inevitably increase the height of the child by at least 30% and revealing skirts and tops which only a paedophile would find alluring. Male teenyboppers, on the other hand, will wear nothing but labelled sports clothes, under the mistaken impression that it makes them look 'hard'. The fact that it really makes them look nothing more than bloody stupid escapes them entirely.

If a group of teenyboppers approach you in the street, particularly if their are more males amongst the herd, then pretend that you are being mugged. If there are many females in the herd, then run away. Not only are they pretty nifty with their nails, but they also have an incredible talent for falling on top of you and screaming 'Get off me, you pervert!' at an embarrassingly loud volume.

Teenybopperism is only one stage in the life-cycle; it leads on from 'screaming toddler' and leads on to 'drug-abusing scally'.