h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Twould be grateful if ye'd translate the address fer a yank who's lost all traces of a Scotch-Irish heritage (among others).

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face, : sonsie = cheerful
Great chieftain o the puddin'-race! :
Aboon them a' ye tak your place, : Aboon = Above, them all you take your place.
Painch, tripe, or thairm: :painch = paunch, thairm = guts.
Weel are ye wordy of a grace : you are well worthy of praise
As lang's my arm. :as long as my arm (a lot).

The groaning trencher there ye fill, : the tired workman, there you fill.
Your hurdies like a distant hill, : hurdies = buttocks.
Your pin wad help to mend a mill : pin = skewer, would help to mend a mill.
In time o need, : in time of need.
While thro your pores the dews distil : while through your pores the dews distill.
Like amber bead. :

His knife see rustic Labour dight, : dight = wipe
An cut you up wi ready slight, : slight = skill.
Trenching your gushing entrails bright, : trenching = digging.
Like onie ditch; : onie = any.
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reekin, rich! : warm-reekin = steaming spoon

Then, horn for horn, they stretch an strive:
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive, : deil tak = devil take.
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve : weel-swall'd kytes belyve = well-swollen bellies, soon
Are bent like drums; : = burst
The auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethankit' hums. : hums thankyou.

Is there that owre his French ragout, :
Or olio that wad staw a sow, : would staw = sicken, a sow.
Or fricassee wad mak her spew : wad mak her spew = would make her throw up.
Wi perfect sconner,
Looks down wi sneering, scornfu view
On sic a dinner?

Poor devil! see him owre his trash, : owre his trash = weaken
As feckless as a wither'd rash, : rash = rush.
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash, : a good whip lash.
His nieve a nit:
Thro bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit!

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whissle;
An legs an arms, an heads will sned, : sned = trim.
Like taps o thrissle. : = tops of thistle.

Ye Pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care, : = your power is what makes mankind your care.
And dish them out their bill o fare, :
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware : = old scotland wants no watery splashes.
That jaups in luggies: : = porringers.
But, if ye wish her gratefu prayer,
Gie her a Haggis! : give her a haggis.


and here's another from the same guy : Poem to a mouse.

Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, : glossy coated
O, what a panic's in thy breastie! : what a panic in thy breast.
Thou need na start awa sae hasty, : you need not run away so fast.
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, : I would be loath to run and chase you.
Wi murdering pattle! : with a murdering plough scraper.

I'm truly sorry man's dominion
Has broken Nature's social union,
An justifies that ill opinion,
Which makes thee startle
At me, thy poor, earth-born companion.
An fellow mortal!

I doubt na, whyles, but thou may thieve: :whyles = sometimes.
What then? poor beastie, thou maun live!
A daimen icker in a thrave : odd ear in 24 sheaves
'S a sma request;
I'll get a blessin wi the lave, : remainder
An never miss't!

Thy wee-bit housie, too, in ruin!
Its silly wa's the win's are strewin! : feeble built house
An naething, now, to big a new ane, : nothing to build a new one.
O foggage green! : coarse grass.
An bleak December's win's ensuin.
Baith snell an keen! : both bitter and strong.

Thou saw the fields laid bare an waste,
An weary winter comin fast.
An cozie here, beneath the blast,
Thou thought to dwell,
Till crash! the cruel coulter past : ploughshare
Out thro thy cell.

That wee bit heap o leaves an stibble, : stibble = stubble, a small heap of leaves and stubble.
Has cost thee monie a weary nibble! : many a tired nibble.
Now thou's turn'd out, for a' thy trouble. :
But house or hald, : without house or holding.
To thole the winter's sleety dribble, :thole = endure.
An cranreuch cauld! : hoar frost.

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane, : you are not alone.
In proving foresight may be vain: :
The best-laid schemes o mice an men : the best laid plans of mice and men.
Gang aft agley, : often go awry.
An lea'e us nought but grief an pain, : leave us nothing.
For promis'd joy!

Still thou art blest, compar'd wi me!
The present only toucheth thee:
But och! I backward cast my e'e, : I look to the past.
On prospects drear! : drear = bleak.
An forward, tho I canna see,
I guess an fear!

Tis a nice one.. Still .. I wish I'd been older whilst Willie was younger.


(Willie: Great Grampa -- The results of

That awful colour problem of
The Orange and the Green )

(Scotch Irish)

I cannot think of haggis without being reminded of the quote by Mike Myers (a Scotch-Canadian) in "So I Married an Axe Murderer": "I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

But, I suppose if I pour enough single-malt down my gullet, I'd be able to eat anything. Where did I leave that bottle?....