The Secret Life Of Matresses
Created | Updated Jan 28, 2002
Mattresses, I hear you cry, get all the fun.
- They lie in bed all day,
- They never do any work and
- Everyone wants to sleep with them.
But there are disadvantages to being a mattress. Despite many mattresses
living in relative luxury, there are many terrors a mattress must face
if
it is to survive. The things listed below are the bane of a mattress'
life. If you are of a nervous disposition then it is recommended that
you do not read on. These are the things that a mattress fears most:
- Kids jumping on you. Small humans using you as a trampoline can
seriously damage your springs, not to say your pride. Many mattresses
have met their end from over-enthusiastic children bouncing upon
them. - Animal hairs (especially Canis Domesticus and Felis Domesticus).
Pets
that sleep on you will invariably shed more hair than they seem to have
on their bodies into your fibres. This is very itchy and no-one will
want to sleep on you. - Food. Biscuit crumbs and tea are only the start of your worries as a
mattress. Humans all seem to spend a disproportionate amount of time
eating and drinking in bed, although the traditional "Breakfast in bed"
is still socially thought of as a luxury. However, for a mattress, the
term "Breakfast in bed" is one that fills your spring-pockets with
dread, as the phrase can usually be taken quite literally. People will
be loath to sleep on you if you are full of itchy crumbs and covered in
suspect stains. - Sweat. Humans produce a hell of a lot of this and much of it in bed.
If the bed is too warm they will generate more, and if it is stiflingly
hot they will more than triple their 'sweat yield'. Human sweat smells
like a cross between sulphur and a cesspit. - Bedbugs. These little Zarks burrow deep into your stuffing. They
feed
on human skin, and multiply like mathematicians. They are the most
uncomfortable creatures to have living inside you, with the possible
exceptions of cockroaches and rats. - Water-beds and inflatable cushions should be wary of the following :
pins, knitting needles, knives, forks, false teeth, broken glass and
chainsaws... actually, all mattresses should be wary of chainsaws.
- Other mattresses. Humans replace their mattresses rarely, but it
does
occur. If your human has acquired a new mattress, it may be time for you
to go. If you have managed to steer clear of kids, furry animals, food,
sweat, bedbugs and chainsaws then your life expectancy will be
considerably longer.
As you can see, being an inanimate object on the planet Earth can be
highly dangerous. So remember, even mattresses have feelings...
