Catchphrase: Abuse!
Created | Updated Oct 1, 2004
The digital age is here! New, brighter, better, everything is going to be digital! Interactive! Much sharper and with loads and loads of channels.
Well, that's what they'd have you believe. But it's simply not true. Four channels is enough. If you can get channel five then great, you'll have plenty of quiz shows to entertain you. Too many channels leads to a dispersion of quality, and when the number starts reaching into the hundreds, the quality is spread pretty thin.
As for interactive television, well, it's been around for years. Years and years.
I'm talking about terrestrial interactivity. I'm talking about a game you can play in your home, with the same T.V. you've always had. No new equipment, no new costs, just a programming schedule and some time off on a Sunday afternoon.
This is the game of Catchphrase: Abuse!
Catchphrase was a long running game show hosted by Roy Walker that was centred around contestants guessing a particular phrase which was cryptically represented by a computer animation on a large videoscreen. (A 2-D animation, where the main cgi character was a robot names Mr. Chips who looked like a yellow dustbin. This was the <good> old days.)
Roy Walker would host the show with infinite patience, and just before the commercial break he would get his one chance to tell his joke. This would go something like this:
"We're just stopping for a commercial break, now" (Irish accent) "and we'll be back in a minute. But first;
There was this man, hiking across a clifftop. He walked too close to the edge, and slipped off, but just as he fell, he managed to grab hold of a branch. He was hanging there, and he shouted out;
'Is there anybody out there?'
'Is there anybody out there?'
And then the reply came back,
'Yes. This is the voice of God.'" Dramatic pause.
"'Can you save me?'
'Yes' God replied. 'If you let go of the branch, I shall send my angels to you. If you let go of the branch, I shall use the wind to cushion your fall, and you shall not be harmed. Just let your hand go, and you shall drop to the bottom without being hurt. I shall protect you.'"
Dramatic pause.
"'Is there anybody else up there?'"
Okay, so the man wasn't the most hilarious of comedians. But I have no end of respect for Roy Walker. Roy Walker has been present (to my knowledge) for every single Catchphrase game, hosting it calmly and cheerfully, no matter what happens. He has shown infinite patience and calm. Because he has never given in to the temptation to play Catchphrase: Abuse!.
The best thing about Catchphrase, is that most of the problems are fairly easy. But most of the contestents are fairly stupid. And unnattractive and with hideous dress sense. (I'm aware it's morally reprehensible to judge people by their appearance, but from the comfort of your own home where no-one can hear you, what the hell, it's fun.)
So the main aim of Catchphrase: Abuse! is to guess the catchphrase before the contestants do, and then ply them with abuse when they say something stupid. As they inevitably do.
A typical round would go something like this:
(The video screen shows a picture of four kettles, each containing fish, three of them are white and tall, one is square and round and has an arrow pointing to it. The fish flap in a two frame animation sequence.)
Roy Walker - "Just say what you see."
Home contestant - "A different kettle of fish"
Ugly contestant No1 - "Er, erm, boiling fish?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ugly contestant No2, you're back in play."
Hc - "What?!!??!"
Ucn2 - "Er, um, pot calling the kettle black?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn1, you're back in play."
Hc - "D'uh, it's a different kettle of fish. Obviously."
Ucn1 - "Having all your fish in one kettle?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn2, you're back in play."
Ucn1 - "It's one small step for a man one giant leap for mankind."
Hc - "DIFFERENT KETTLE OF FISH YOU !£$"£$^%"$^ ITS NOT THAT HARD."
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn2, you're back in play. Just say what you see."
Ucn2 - "Spooning the monkeys?"
Hc - "£%^$%#@£"~#"***** $$^$%&$%& moron."
RW - "Good try. I'll have to rush you now. Just say what you see."
Ucn1 - "Kilroy?"
(The bell goes in the background, obscuring home contestant's expletives.)
RW - "Oh, I'm sorry, that's the bell to say time is up. The answer was, 'A different kettle of fish', there you see, there's all those kettles of fish, and the arrow points to the different one."
(The muffled groan of realisation sweeps across the audience, who are mostly visiting from their retirement home, and so are not always as sharp as they used to be when they were younger. But they do like that nice young man Roy Walker. God bless 'em.)
So you get the idea. Playing the game has no actual physical reward, but it relieves stress and induces self confidence. (You realise that comparitavely you are actually a pretty sharp individual. With great dress sense.)
Virginia Woolf suggested that men needed to make women feel inferior to make themselves feel superior, that a woman was a mirror that a man would look in to find himself reflected back twice the size. Obviously such behaviour is frowned upon in modern society, but I think Catchphrase contestents can provide a worthy replacement, without all that fuss of actual repression.
If you enjoy the whole 'making people cry' aspect of shouting, you may find this game too tame. However you can always invite round a dopey mate to play the game with you. And then hurl as much hideous personal abuse as you've been storing up inside you over the years whenever you get the answer before them. Obviously a good idea would be to pick someone with a sense of humour/ competitive nature, who won't just walk out and not talk to you again.
I would advise against using this game as a method of dumping girlfriends/boyfriends.
(I mean, what if they get the catchphrase before you?)
For high adrenaline playing, you only have to wait for the end of the show, the final round where one contestant pits their (rather inadequate) wits against the clock trying to solve five puzzles from a selection of twenty five. It's a tense, stressful thing to watch, because you often end up shouting something at the screen that would have won them a holiday in Egypt, as you watch the last five seconds tick away. (And then you laugh.) (If you're mean spirited.) (Like me.)
Sadly every once in a while, someone appears on Catchphrase (besides Roy Walker) who has a few ounces of sense, wit and style. Usually they turn out to be far better at the game than you, and leave you crushed in defeat, cursing your own mental inadequacy. But then it would hardly be sporting if that didn't happen every now and then, would it?
Obviously, you can adapt this game for other television shows, but I doubt it would be the same. Unless you're extremely intelligent, I think Countdown: Abuse! would be limited to comments made on Richard Whitely's unorthodox ties.
But then again, that's: K><>E><>T><>T><>L><>E
(A whole new kettle of fish.)
Well, that's what they'd have you believe. But it's simply not true. Four channels is enough. If you can get channel five then great, you'll have plenty of quiz shows to entertain you. Too many channels leads to a dispersion of quality, and when the number starts reaching into the hundreds, the quality is spread pretty thin.
As for interactive television, well, it's been around for years. Years and years.
I'm talking about terrestrial interactivity. I'm talking about a game you can play in your home, with the same T.V. you've always had. No new equipment, no new costs, just a programming schedule and some time off on a Sunday afternoon.
This is the game of Catchphrase: Abuse!
Catchphrase was a long running game show hosted by Roy Walker that was centred around contestants guessing a particular phrase which was cryptically represented by a computer animation on a large videoscreen. (A 2-D animation, where the main cgi character was a robot names Mr. Chips who looked like a yellow dustbin. This was the <good> old days.)
Roy Walker would host the show with infinite patience, and just before the commercial break he would get his one chance to tell his joke. This would go something like this:
"We're just stopping for a commercial break, now" (Irish accent) "and we'll be back in a minute. But first;
There was this man, hiking across a clifftop. He walked too close to the edge, and slipped off, but just as he fell, he managed to grab hold of a branch. He was hanging there, and he shouted out;
'Is there anybody out there?'
'Is there anybody out there?'
And then the reply came back,
'Yes. This is the voice of God.'" Dramatic pause.
"'Can you save me?'
'Yes' God replied. 'If you let go of the branch, I shall send my angels to you. If you let go of the branch, I shall use the wind to cushion your fall, and you shall not be harmed. Just let your hand go, and you shall drop to the bottom without being hurt. I shall protect you.'"
Dramatic pause.
"'Is there anybody else up there?'"
Okay, so the man wasn't the most hilarious of comedians. But I have no end of respect for Roy Walker. Roy Walker has been present (to my knowledge) for every single Catchphrase game, hosting it calmly and cheerfully, no matter what happens. He has shown infinite patience and calm. Because he has never given in to the temptation to play Catchphrase: Abuse!.
The best thing about Catchphrase, is that most of the problems are fairly easy. But most of the contestents are fairly stupid. And unnattractive and with hideous dress sense. (I'm aware it's morally reprehensible to judge people by their appearance, but from the comfort of your own home where no-one can hear you, what the hell, it's fun.)
So the main aim of Catchphrase: Abuse! is to guess the catchphrase before the contestants do, and then ply them with abuse when they say something stupid. As they inevitably do.
A typical round would go something like this:
(The video screen shows a picture of four kettles, each containing fish, three of them are white and tall, one is square and round and has an arrow pointing to it. The fish flap in a two frame animation sequence.)
Roy Walker - "Just say what you see."
Home contestant - "A different kettle of fish"
Ugly contestant No1 - "Er, erm, boiling fish?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ugly contestant No2, you're back in play."
Hc - "What?!!??!"
Ucn2 - "Er, um, pot calling the kettle black?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn1, you're back in play."
Hc - "D'uh, it's a different kettle of fish. Obviously."
Ucn1 - "Having all your fish in one kettle?"
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn2, you're back in play."
Ucn1 - "It's one small step for a man one giant leap for mankind."
Hc - "DIFFERENT KETTLE OF FISH YOU !£$"£$^%"$^ ITS NOT THAT HARD."
RW - "It's a good guess but it's not the one. Ucn2, you're back in play. Just say what you see."
Ucn2 - "Spooning the monkeys?"
Hc - "£%^$%#@£"~#"***** $$^$%&$%& moron."
RW - "Good try. I'll have to rush you now. Just say what you see."
Ucn1 - "Kilroy?"
(The bell goes in the background, obscuring home contestant's expletives.)
RW - "Oh, I'm sorry, that's the bell to say time is up. The answer was, 'A different kettle of fish', there you see, there's all those kettles of fish, and the arrow points to the different one."
(The muffled groan of realisation sweeps across the audience, who are mostly visiting from their retirement home, and so are not always as sharp as they used to be when they were younger. But they do like that nice young man Roy Walker. God bless 'em.)
So you get the idea. Playing the game has no actual physical reward, but it relieves stress and induces self confidence. (You realise that comparitavely you are actually a pretty sharp individual. With great dress sense.)
Virginia Woolf suggested that men needed to make women feel inferior to make themselves feel superior, that a woman was a mirror that a man would look in to find himself reflected back twice the size. Obviously such behaviour is frowned upon in modern society, but I think Catchphrase contestents can provide a worthy replacement, without all that fuss of actual repression.
If you enjoy the whole 'making people cry' aspect of shouting, you may find this game too tame. However you can always invite round a dopey mate to play the game with you. And then hurl as much hideous personal abuse as you've been storing up inside you over the years whenever you get the answer before them. Obviously a good idea would be to pick someone with a sense of humour/ competitive nature, who won't just walk out and not talk to you again.
I would advise against using this game as a method of dumping girlfriends/boyfriends.
(I mean, what if they get the catchphrase before you?)
For high adrenaline playing, you only have to wait for the end of the show, the final round where one contestant pits their (rather inadequate) wits against the clock trying to solve five puzzles from a selection of twenty five. It's a tense, stressful thing to watch, because you often end up shouting something at the screen that would have won them a holiday in Egypt, as you watch the last five seconds tick away. (And then you laugh.) (If you're mean spirited.) (Like me.)
Sadly every once in a while, someone appears on Catchphrase (besides Roy Walker) who has a few ounces of sense, wit and style. Usually they turn out to be far better at the game than you, and leave you crushed in defeat, cursing your own mental inadequacy. But then it would hardly be sporting if that didn't happen every now and then, would it?
Obviously, you can adapt this game for other television shows, but I doubt it would be the same. Unless you're extremely intelligent, I think Countdown: Abuse! would be limited to comments made on Richard Whitely's unorthodox ties.
But then again, that's: K><>E><>T><>T><>L><>E
(A whole new kettle of fish.)
