'You can't put it off any longer you have to go and sort out
the lock up today.'

Baleesha doesn't just have a touch of sadism about her - her veins positively course with it. She knows I hate the lock up. Why can't she go and sort it out? Why can't Patrick sort it out? Why can't Clarissa sort it out? She's got nothing to do. Clarissa loves tidying, she's always out the back tidying the cupboards. Well, I assume she's tidying them - she's out there long enough! Mind you, nothing ever seems very
different. Must have a word with her about that. If she isn't actually tidying, what is it that takes all day?

'Are you listening to me?'

I am trying so hard not to. Oh to be flying to somewhere warm, crickets welcoming you and soft sultry fragrant breezes enveloping your senses, the gentle drift of the sea curling across pure white sand...

'I said are you listening to me?'

'Yes I'm listening to you. It's cold and I hate the lock up! Why do I have to go and sort it?'

'In case it has escaped your notice it is your business, just! In ten days time it won't be and between now and then it is in your interest to sell as much of the c**p you've squirrelled away in the lock up as possible.'

'But it's awful, there's nothing but rubbish in there, and
spiders'

Well that's ruled Clarissa out of the lock up volunteer detail. She's gone a deeper shade of green, why couldn't she like spiders?

'I seem to remember when you bought the 'rubbish' you thought
it was divine, cool, cutting edge – shall I go on?'

'Well it might have been - then.'

Is there no end to her nagging? She's such a bully. Why can't
I keep my head under the duvet forever?

'It wasn't - then or now. Only you could have decided that 'Bollywood' was suitable for a Christmas theme.'

'That's not fair! The corporate customers loved it!'

'Yes, because you told them it was the 'in' thing for the season. How you managed to convince the top interior magazines that it was as well is beyond me.'

'Well it was the film, Monsoon Wedding. The colours were just divine and you have to admit the window looked good; all those beautiful silks and sparkly twigs. Besides, it made a change from b****y boring red baubles.'

'Cerise glitter twigs is hardly Christianity.com though is it? You're avoiding the issue, the lock up remember?'

'Wouldn't you like to go?'

I take it by the heaving shoulders that that'll be a 'no'. When does Angela get back? She'd have helped me. We could have had a picnic while we did it. We could have had her amazing Greek lamb dish with lashings of Retsina to wash it down. I wonder what the temperature is in Corfu today? Stop looking at me like that you Harridan!

'I'm going.'

'About time! Take Patrick with you - He's got nothing to do and if he empties your make up bag out on the counter once more, I shall strangle him. Will you please buy him a bag of his own for Christmas then at least he can play with it at home and not clutter up the shop.'

'Did you hear her? You're coming with me... no that colour
won't suit you, put it back.'

'Old witch! Oh I suppose I could help. I think pale blue would look very good with my eyes actually! Come on then let's go. Oh we're so busy! We could take two vans and go in convoy. Yes, let's take two vans then we can pretend we're American truckers roaring down the freeway... I get my kicks on route fifty six!'

It's not worth the effort, Baleesha, don't even go there. Three hundred yards to the lock up and he can't even remember the name of the b****y route. Two vans will be a blessing.

'Don't be too long, we have got work to do.'

'And what exactly were you planning for your afternoon's entertainment?'

'It had crossed my mind that a Halloween window might be a good idea. Two weeks late but still possibly worth the effort, there are a couple of hundred pumpkins on sticks to get rid of.'

'I've been busy.'

'You've been playing on the computer.'

'That's what busy people do! They surf the web.'

'How can you surf a web? I've never seen a spider surfing his

web.'

'Shut up Patrick! You don't even know how to use a mobile phone so don't start coming the computer geek with me.'

'Just go and clear the lock up the pair of you! And bring all the Christmas back OK?'

We haven't even built the Guy Fawkes pyre and Baleesha wants to hang the stockings out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Brrrrrrrr Brrrrrrrr!*

'Angela! How are you? How's Greece?'

'I'm back, I'm in the shop, I've bought you a food parcel. I
bet you haven't eaten in a week. What are you doing?'

'Didn't Baleesha tell you? No she wouldn't, you're cluttering up the shop. I'm clearing the lock up with Patrick.'

'Say hello from me. Oh, and has she brought me back some fags?'

'Did you hear that?'

'Yes. Hello Patrick Darling! Yes of course I've got your ciggies and the honey.'

'Stop shouting Angela. Oh for G*d's sake why don't you just talk to each other. ... Oh sh*t!'

'Haaaaa! Haaaaa! You'll never guess what she's done Angela - she's just trodden in some fox's pooh! Oh no, it stinks! Haaaaa!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'You've been long enough you two. G*d what is that smell? Clarissa go and empty the vans. Angela put the kettle on, Patrick why are you wetting your knickers?'

Hello? Whatever happened to 'Nice to have you back' or 'hope you haven't been working too hard?' No, I suppose that isn't Baleesha's style.

'Haaaaa! Haaaaa! She stepped in fox's pooh! It's all over her trainers. She tried to wipe it off on the grass but it just went deeper into the grooves! Haaaaa! Haaaaa! She stinks!'

'I need a cigarette.'

'You'd better have one of mine they're stronger. It'll help with the smell! Haaaaa! Haaaaa!

'Shut up!'

'Here I've bought you some ciggies back from Greece. Have one of these - there's a cup of tea and you have to try one of these sandwiches, really strong cheese. I'm not sure it will cover the smell though. Good heavens you're covered in something what is it?'

'As Patrick so eloquently puts it 'fox's pooh.'

'No, not your shoes... all over.'

Misery? Gloom? Slit your throat moments?... Take your pick.

'Oh you are too! Haaaaa! Haaaaa! It's spider's web. You're covered in spiders web! You must have been surfing too much! Haaaaa! Haaaaa!'

'Oh you are such a wag Patrick, tee b****y hee. It must be from the lock up, there were spiders everywhere. Don't cringe like that Clarissa I haven't imported any. The window's nice by the way Baleesha.'

I only said 'nice' she don't have to preen quite so voraciously.

'I thought it needed something in the middle. I put the broomstick in, but I'm not sure it's enough.'

She knows it's enough - I am not going to rise to the bait.

'Oi know. Haaaaa! Haaaaa!'

Oh joy! Another of Patrick's finest coming up.

'She can sit on the broomstick! The old wicked witch! She's covered in spider's web and she smells like something dead! She's perfect! Our very own Halloween witch! She can scare all the customers away! Haaaaa! Haaaaa!'

Dear God, Roll on Christmas.

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