h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There are two versions of the song "Vienna", neither of which appear to relate to Austria at all. Firstly, the Ultravox song, the title track from their 1981 album and biggest UK hit single:

We walked in the cold air
Freezing breath on a window pane
Lying and waiting
A man in the dark in a picture frame
So mystic and soulful
A voice reaching out in a piercing cry
It stays with you until

The feeling has gone, only you and I
It means nothing to me
This means nothing to me
Oh, Vienna

The music is weaving
Haunting notes, pizzicato strings
The rhythm is calling
Alone in the night as the daylight brings
A cool empty silence
The warmth of your hand and a cold grey sky
It fades to the distance

The image has gone only you and I
It means nothing to me
This means nothing to me
Oh, Vienna

This means nothing to me
This means nothing to me
Oh, Vienna


...And now the version by Vic Reeves, his contribution to the NME's 40th anniversary album, "Ruby Trax":

I know a place
I know a place in a foreign land
Name of Belgium
The water stinks but the people think
They think that it doesn't
They think that it doesn't but it does
I'm telling you it stinks

The feelings are gone, it means nothing to you
It means nothing to me
This means nothing to me
Oh, Vienna

Hitler dwelt in this land
And Van Morrison was born here
The Belgian police are very very kind
And invented the waltzers
And the Belgian people spend all day
Drinking port

So, the peelings are gone, it means nothing to me
It means nothing to I
This means nothing to I
Oh, Vienna

(NB: Any resemblance to the original is now completely trampled on as the song goes into a bizarre "oompah" mode)

Hello, hello, my Belgian friends
Let us now make amends
We English do not blame you
For the destruction of the rest of Europe
A difference, yes, in tongue and dress
But a smile on the face of the Belgian police
As they intern me and my family
Intern me and my family
My cup overflows with Viennese gin
And I signal for more and a waiter arrives
With a fox, with a fox in a cardboard box
"What is this?" I cry
Well, they weep, they weep, but they never sleep
The Belgian police, the Belgian police
They weep, they weep, but they never sleep
'Cause of the noise of the trains
And hello Sue, have you tortellini?

Ah, Doctor, good. now then as a mad u-vox fan my mind boggles at the thought of vic doing his thang to Vienna... I gotta hear it....

*raises hat* Well, good luck to you... it could be a bit tricky to track down these days, as it was released in 1992 and is probably long deleted...

DOH!