Kebabs are a unique food type - every culture in the world seems to have their own version of the Kebab, but all of them share the same bizarre properties...

1. Kebabs consist of burnt dead animal, served on raw green sliced vegetables in a sliced bread-product.
2. Kebabs are always served with a spicy sauce, and it is part of the Kebab eating machismo to choose the most dangerous, inflamable sauce available - preferably one that will burn its way out of your stomach and thru your internal organs in a matter of minutes.
3. You never eat Kebabs during the day, only at night, except when left-overs are eaten at breakfast.
4. The only time you ever REALLY want nothing else to satisfy your hunger but a tasty, spicy Kebab is when your brain is so pickled in alcohol (or equivalent social-drug) that any female regardless of age, condition and presentation is delightful, appealing and desirable. (See also Alchohol, Sex and The Morning After)
5. There is nothing more disheartening than waking up the morning after a heavy night's drinking with a hangover the size of the Starship Titanic and opening your eyes to find a cold, greasy, half-eaten Kebab perched on your chest, its juices soaking into your shirt/chest-hair/skin/sheets/etc.

The best (the term being used loosely, given the state I was in when eating the things) Kebabs I've tasted to date were sold in Stavros' Take-Away in Bath, England. Sadly, this superior establishment has now changed hands, changed names, and no longer provides its chilli sauce in reinforced containers labelled with the skull and cross-bones. *SIGH*