h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I so wish you'd change the sub-title on this column to 3rd Hollow Politician on the left (drop in the loose change, make a wish and listen to the wind blowing your troubles away).

I'm getting really tired of hearing that hoary old cliche "sweating like a pig" (or any other one, for that matter). Firstly, humans are the most dangerous animal on the planet to humans, so why not use us as a term of debasement instead of some other innocent mammal?

Secondly, most people know that pigs don't sweat. That's why they roll around in mud: cooling off.

Fruitbat

Erm, yeah, right Fruitbat. What on earth are you talking about with the sub-title thing?

As for the pig thing, it's an idiom. I don't literally let cats out of bags, walk through storms of cats and dogs or get as drunk as a newt, but I'm happy that I can because it makes the English language that much more interesting. Sweating like a pig is an idiom, albeit incorrect.

Why so tetchy about the subject?

You should know that it is unwise to attempt to teach a pig to sing.

It is a waste of time and it annoys the pig.

Never mind, Mark, it was a bad joke anyway.

I know the pig thing is an idiom, same as "raining cats and dogs" or "working like a dog". Mostly, this is a rather poorly vocalised version of my desire to be unconventional in my own way:

I like to turn conventions on their head if they strike me as idiotic, nonsensical or unconscious. "Have a nice day somewhere else". Only trouble is, because this action requires thought on the receiver's end to process something that's not just trotted out to fill a silence, it doesn't go over very well.

I love playing with words, expressions and language too, although I don't practice nearly enough. What I'm after is probably best illustrated by an expression that a friend of mine modified:

"Kill two birds with one stone" was changed into "Feed two birds with one seed.": unconventional and gets the idea across. I simply don't have anything to replace these conventions with yet.

Fruitbat

i really like your friend's saying. if i could feed two birds with one seed i could really cut down on my bird seed bill. here, have a choccy.@