James Bond
Created | Updated Mar 12, 2002
An essential part of understanding the whole human race is the understanding of the phenomenon that is James Bond.
James Bond is tall, dark, witty, smooth, tough and very, very cool. He wears non crease dinner jackets (that can be worn under a diving suit), drives fast cars (preferably an Aston Martin DB5), drinks dry martinis (shaken not stirred), picks up the sexiest of women and is very, very cool.
Good looks: James Bond has a rather obsessive dislike of his own looks. In the late 1960s he had a complete face-lift. At the same time he lost his Scottish accent (replacing it with a slightly less cool Australian one). But this was a temporary measure because almost immediately he put on some weight and went back to the Scottish accent and the cool looks again. But this return was just as short lived and he went into the longest (but worst) look of all. This came at the same time as a rather strange character change, which made him rather wooden and also caused him to loose all his dress sense. This look lasted for more than a decade until he realised that he was beginning to look fashionable and sixty years old. He went under the knife again and re-emerged with a northern accent and looks that were beginning to return to the cool of the early years. Also he began smoking again, which was perhaps unwise considering his age. But even this look was not completely satisfactory and he underwent more surgery, finally emerging with his current looks, which are apparently what he had wanted in first place. He certainly has found a look that almost brings him back to the early cool, but he must now be getting pretty tired as he is probably heading toward his seventies.
Shaken, not stirred: James Bond's favourite drink is a traditional martini cocktail (vodka and vermouth). This cocktail is not usually made in a shaker because the high and pure alcohol content of the two ingredients do not need to be shaken together. However, Bond is of course very, very cool but also a bit of a trouble maker, so he likes to have his martini shaken, not stirred.
Gadgets: James Bond has a buffet of gadgetry to ward off his evil enemies. Whatever his mission, you can be sure that he will have exactly the right equipment for the job. Everything gets used. Nothing is ever sent back.
Women: One of Bond's little weaknesses is women. Whenever he checks into a hotel the receptionist (who always seems to be a woman) gives him the sort of up-and-down look of which all red-blooded males would be jealous. But when it comes to business or pleasure, Bond can love them and leave them. In fact he has been known to let a girl take a bullet instead of him. He could not exactly be described as a "new man".
Wit: Bond's trademark is the witty one liner. For example; Bond is faced with two Blofelds (his arch enemy) and is trying to think of a way to identify the real one. Suddenly he sees Blofeld's cat and decides that if he kicks the cat, it will jump to its rightful master. As he kicks, the cat jumps in to a Blofeld's arms and Bond kills him with a dart gun. Just as this happens another cat walks into the room, Blofeld says "Right idea, Mr. Bond" looking at the cat Bond says "But wrong pussy".
James Bond: It is very probable that every male in the world has at some time pretended to be, or wanted to be James Bond. The reason for this is the very high probability that every woman in the world has dreamed about sleeping with James Bond.
Thus to understand humans you must understand James Bond.
James Bond is tall, dark, witty, smooth, tough and very, very cool. He wears non crease dinner jackets (that can be worn under a diving suit), drives fast cars (preferably an Aston Martin DB5), drinks dry martinis (shaken not stirred), picks up the sexiest of women and is very, very cool.
Good looks: James Bond has a rather obsessive dislike of his own looks. In the late 1960s he had a complete face-lift. At the same time he lost his Scottish accent (replacing it with a slightly less cool Australian one). But this was a temporary measure because almost immediately he put on some weight and went back to the Scottish accent and the cool looks again. But this return was just as short lived and he went into the longest (but worst) look of all. This came at the same time as a rather strange character change, which made him rather wooden and also caused him to loose all his dress sense. This look lasted for more than a decade until he realised that he was beginning to look fashionable and sixty years old. He went under the knife again and re-emerged with a northern accent and looks that were beginning to return to the cool of the early years. Also he began smoking again, which was perhaps unwise considering his age. But even this look was not completely satisfactory and he underwent more surgery, finally emerging with his current looks, which are apparently what he had wanted in first place. He certainly has found a look that almost brings him back to the early cool, but he must now be getting pretty tired as he is probably heading toward his seventies.
Shaken, not stirred: James Bond's favourite drink is a traditional martini cocktail (vodka and vermouth). This cocktail is not usually made in a shaker because the high and pure alcohol content of the two ingredients do not need to be shaken together. However, Bond is of course very, very cool but also a bit of a trouble maker, so he likes to have his martini shaken, not stirred.
Gadgets: James Bond has a buffet of gadgetry to ward off his evil enemies. Whatever his mission, you can be sure that he will have exactly the right equipment for the job. Everything gets used. Nothing is ever sent back.
Women: One of Bond's little weaknesses is women. Whenever he checks into a hotel the receptionist (who always seems to be a woman) gives him the sort of up-and-down look of which all red-blooded males would be jealous. But when it comes to business or pleasure, Bond can love them and leave them. In fact he has been known to let a girl take a bullet instead of him. He could not exactly be described as a "new man".
Wit: Bond's trademark is the witty one liner. For example; Bond is faced with two Blofelds (his arch enemy) and is trying to think of a way to identify the real one. Suddenly he sees Blofeld's cat and decides that if he kicks the cat, it will jump to its rightful master. As he kicks, the cat jumps in to a Blofeld's arms and Bond kills him with a dart gun. Just as this happens another cat walks into the room, Blofeld says "Right idea, Mr. Bond" looking at the cat Bond says "But wrong pussy".
James Bond: It is very probable that every male in the world has at some time pretended to be, or wanted to be James Bond. The reason for this is the very high probability that every woman in the world has dreamed about sleeping with James Bond.
Thus to understand humans you must understand James Bond.
