If you are ever accosted by a balding man with an expensive tie, then he is probably a freemason, and will look more kindly upon you if you are able to shake his hand in the manner of his lodge.

Now let's get this straight: you will never, ever, be accepted into the freemasons if you do not look human. You also won't be accepted if you have a goatee, or if you don't like wearing summer suits, or if you have a non-upper-middle-class-English accent. Your chances of getting into the freemasons on your own merits are remote.

However.

Freemasons are usually quite unpleasant, oily people, but they often have important jobs and are worth keeping on the right side of. Their essentially weird nature means that they throw some pretty good parties, if you like that sort of thing. These are all members only, so you'll have to bluff your way to the hors d'oeuvres.

First, approach the freemason you wish to bluff your way past. Extend your right hand, and he will do likewise. Then, pretend that you are shuffling cards in a really elaborate way, and that his hand is the pack. Juggle it around a bit, flick it a little (not to much; if your target yelps in pain then you've probably overdone it), dance your hands around it, clasp it, grapple it, fidget with it, and generally move it around in a semi-obscene manner that would get you excommunicated in 14th century England, twisting you wrist in a way that even a pre-pubescent Russian gymnast would find challenging.

Eventually, your opponent will realise that his lodge is inferior to the massively complex behandshaked one that you obviously belong to, and let you in. It is important to maintain eye contact throughout this procedure. You must also be suitably attired.

Never, repeat, *never* tell a freemason that you have Irish, Welsh or French ancestry during the handshake, even in jest. You may regain consciousness outside the pearly gates with your head on a pike.